Dear Women Who Are Using a Couple Shot as Your Facebook Profile Photo, I Get It: You Win

The closest I have come to having a couple photo as my profile picture is a big cartoon duck I met at a street fair once. I will admit, it felt kind of nice.

Jul 2, 2014 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

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This dude in a duck costume was with me in my profile pic once -- does that count?

After being asked for the gazillionth time to play Farmville or Criminal Case or Candy Farm in the Middle of a Criminal Case or whatever the hell people are playing on Facebook these days, I took an angry look at who kept inviting me.

It was a person who had a lovey-dovey kissey-poo profile picture with their perfect spouse. Awww, I thought. How special.

And then, a day later, when I got the same invite from the same couple profile photo person -- something in me snapped. Instead of being angry at the incessant game invites, I found myself muttering this:

WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO ONLY USE COUPLE PICTURES IN THEIR PROFILE SHOTS ON FACEBOOK?

Really, I wondered. And when did I become such a bitter angry spinster anyway?

So I decided to do a poll. I put it on Facebook. So it's practically NIH-funded, you guys.

Here's what I asked:

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Let me lay these various options out for you below (I'm going to change my clever A-Z options into the much more practical 1-26). Here were my guesses for why one would go for a couple in their profile pic instead of a solo shot:

  1. Gratitude for your partner.
  2. Revenge towards an ex.
  3. It's the best picture you could find.
  4. You almost split up, and this is insurance.
  5. You two just had a baby.
  6. You see no difference between the two of you, and now function as one unit, whole and indistinguishable.
  7. To get a stalker/pest to leave you alone.
  8. Ironic profile pic.
  9. Your partner asked you to.
  10. This is your anniversary week/month/day/year/century.
  11. Your mom won't stop asking how your relationship is doing.
  12. To indicate to his boiling bunny ex to back the hell off.
  13. Your partner is ill/dead and this is a tribute.
  14. Upon the suggestion of your marriage counselor.
  15. High school reunion is coming up and you want to get a jump start on the competition.
  16. Your partner agreed to do some unsavory household chore in exchange for you putting your love on blast.
  17. You were single for so freaking long, enough with the bitter surveys.
  18. You're afraid he/she will break up with you but this will guilt him into not doing so.
  19. You're planning to break up with him and hope to take him by surprise.
  20. You're pregnant.
  21. It's your only picture.
  22. Your friends have really been stepping it up lately with baby/wedding/new TV pics and this is the best you've got.
  23. You just got engaged.
  24. To mix it up.
  25. You just got married.
  26. All of the above.

The feedback I got back was pretty illuminating I must say:

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I tallied the responses and overwhelmingly people told me -- more than anything else -- they used a coupled picture because of gratitude for their partner.

Which is totally sweet. TOTALLY.

But it also leads me to believe that no one is ever going to be fully honest about my survey.

I mean, come on. The same way if I post some humblebraggy crap about my career (who is my husband), it is the exact same thing as your smug profile pic in your $50,000 wedding gown making out with your husband for all of perpetuity.

Which is cool. You win the married sweepstakes. I get it.

I honestly am very happy for these Super Couple People, but I also hope I will never become one of them -- the SAME way I'm sure they hope they never become one of ME.

(Oh and let me say it before you do: "Who are these people who use a glamour shot in their profile picture anyways...MANDY?" Yeah, that would be jackasses like me. You got me.)

Anyway, these Super Couple People remind me too much of the type who will say:

  • "Why, I don't think we cared very much for the movie, did we?"
  • "Yes, we love that restaurant!"
  • "No, we don't like him. Or her either. In fact, we LOATHE them."
  • "For sure, we adore her!"
  • "Oh my, you are just OUR favorite."

I know you have met the Super Couple People.

Of course, sometimes I realize it happens when two people ARE just so connected, and they know each other so well that, of course, they will live and breathe each other's tastes and preferences and desires. It's natural -- and kind of sweet. But there is a type of Identity Creep that can happen where the idea of even imagining putting up a picture of yourself solo on Facebook seems akin to the vulnerability of showing yourself naked online, without your perfect couple armor.

Which is cool.

We love you just the way you are.

(Together. Squeezed in a little Facebook box. Perpetually.)