I'm Sexually Harassing NBA Superstar Jeremy Lin

I'm not a crazy, deluded stalker. I'm helping re-emasculate Asian men!

Feb 22, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

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There is a time in a woman’s life when she sows her wild oats so much and so loudly that the neighbors start complaining. And then there are the long stretches of time when she doesn’t -- when she sifts fruitlessly to the bottom of OKCupid while spiders weave webs around her crotch. I’m currently in the latter category.

So to get me through this never-ending stretch of celibacy, I’ve decided to direct my focus on winning (linning?) the affections of a man I only learned about two weeks ago -- basketball phenom Jeremy Lin.

Sure, I never followed basketball before and certainly never had reason to watch the New York Knicks but “LINsanity” has provided me with the community, camaraderie and most importantly, the distraction necessary to share my sexual frustrations publicly under the guise of fandom.

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Jeremy Lin and I are both Asian Americans born in the Bay Area. As the first American-born basketball player of Asian descent to break record after record in his NBA start, Lin has broken many stereotypes of what Asian Americans can be. Particularly, he’s shown that Asian Americans can have athletic prowess in a sport that’s never been close to being dominated by Asian American men.

With his worldwide celebrated athleticism, comes the cultural connotations of virility and pop culture swagger rarely portrayed by what few Asian American men are visible in mainstream American culture. Jeremy Lin may usher in a whole lot of Asian Americans into the future of the NBA. In other words, we’ve come a long way from Long Duc Dong baby...

Conclusion? Mine is more than just a heteronormative public celebrity crush! This is more than me publicly sexually harassing an NBA player! This is a political movement! Lonely nights used to be spent looking up the Facebook pages of my exes online, waiting for some new morsel of information that fulfills the ex-girlfriend mantra of: “His life sure sucks without me.” No longer!

While all my girlfriends post updates about wedding planning, pregnancies and marriages, I can also post about the marriage and family that me and Jeremy will have while friends encourage my borderline psychotic hallucinations with "likes" and retweets. Socially sanctioned delusional thinking!

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Instead of waking up frantically each morning and mining the existential panic that is my life, my social life has been retrofitted to the Knicks game schedule. My life's purpose can now be arced along a three-hour basketball game. No wonder the rest of the world gets so into sports! It adds a plotline to life with plenty of commercial breaks!

I used to spend nights alone with my cat and now I go to places called “sports bars” with friends. Suddenly! A robust social schedule!

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Lin’s Facebook page has become my personal Wailing Wall that I can post all my secret sexual desires to without repercussion. I can now express all the desires and feelings that I couldn’t express before to, you know… real people in the real world?

All the thoughts I’ve kept to myself while sitting in a heap of my own self-pity, can now be directed out into the public sphere to this landmark Asian American athlete!

Like the actual prayers left at the Western Wall, my messages on Jeremy Lin’s Fan page are swallowed up (as soon I“refresh” the page)… but some spirit somewhere tells me he knows I’m here.

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I am not a stalker, psycho or deluded woman! NO! I am a modern day civil rights revolutionary! I am making the public sexual harassment of the NBA’s first American born player of Asian descent a culturally acceptable way to let out pent up sexual frustration, while indirectly helping re-emasculate Asian men.

Do not call me a “sad,” “wretched,” “crazed woman” -- my LINsanity is part of a revolution that has only just begun. Stick it LIN me anybody?