When it comes to love, we all have a "type." If you’re me, your type is emotionally stunted and unapologetically selfish, but lucky for you, you’re not me, so your type is probably just something similar, but different, but not different enough so that your parents approve. Am I right or am I right?
Don’t worry. I’m not here to tell you not to date the bad boy (or girl); I firmly believe everyone should experience the whirlwind craziness of hot sex and hair pulling that accompanies a person who will inevitably blow you off and break your heart.
What I am here, however, to tell you is that after you’ve healed from that disaster and you’re ready to date a nice guy, or at least a guy who won’t throw all of the mix tapes he made you out the window of your 6-story East Village walk-up (I cannot make these things up), you might consider dating someone who’s into sports.
Maybe (probably) it’s just me, but I think a person who roots for and follows a team embodies a lot of the traits you may (read: should) want in a healthy relationship. Things like: loyalty, commitment, passion and an uncanny ability to remember bizarre facts and stats, which, for the purposes of this list, we’ll call: intellect.
All that being said, before you start hanging out in your local sports bar hoping to meet your soul mate, there are a few types of fans you should know about. And by “know about,” clearly I mean “STAY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM.”
1. The total fanatic. Unless you have 17 TVs, you’ll never see another episode of “The Real Housewives” again. Because you know what’s ALWAYS on? That’s right: sports.
And that trip to Mexico you want to take over Thanksgiving? Sure, sounds amazing. Except the 49ers are playing on Thanksgiving, so you can’t go to that place only accessible by boat because what if the resort doesn’t have satellite TVs? Actually, come to think of it, “we should probably just stay home and skip Thanksgiving altogether.” (Okay, fine, that might be something that actually came out of my mouth last week. Whatever.)
2. Fans from Philly. They pelt Santa Claus with snowballs. They vomit (intentionally) on the 11-year-old daughters of off-duty cops. I'm pretty sure if a magical unicorn performed at halftime, they'd saw off his spiraling horn and stab him with it in the heart. And then they'd high-five.
3. The gambler. Do you like things like money and presents and, oh, I dunno, being able to pay the rent without pawning the aforementioned presents? That’s what I thought.
4. Golf fans. Unless you’re looking for a guy who wears a visor and flip flops and nestles his Natty Light in a beer koozie with his fraternity letters on it. In which case, please proceed. But don’t call me when you suddenly have a brood of children named Tucker and Buckley and Sutton and morning sex is replaced by tee time.
5. Anyone who refers to the team as “we.” If he refers to the team as though he’s on it, get out before it’s too late. You know who doesn’t win every game? ANY SPORTS TEAM EVER. Which means, eventually, “we” are going be really upset that “we” just blew it. And “we” are going to probably pout and get too drunk and stop speaking for hours on end. “We” might be speaking from personal experience. Trust “we” on this one.
6. The bandwagon fan. If he only likes a team when they’re super hot, what’s going to happen when you gain that relationship weight and accidentally fart in front of him? I’m just sayin’…
7. Buffalo Bills fans. Unless you like dating complete losers who drink too much, call you a whore, make you pay for every dinner, guilt trip you for not loving them enough, and break into your apartment through an unlocked window on a fire escape. Although, come to think of it, that one *might* just be me.
What about you? Have you had any bad dating experiences with a passionate fan? Share them in the comments, so we can all learn from each other's mistakes.