YOU ARE THE ADVICE COLUMNIST: My Partner's Porn Does Not Look Like Me, And I'm Not Okay With It

Am I being unfair and irrational? How can I get past my interracial relationship insecurities?

Nov 12, 2013 at 6:30pm | Leave a comment

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My partner of 11 months and I met during his last semester of law school and my first semester of graduate school.  He is honest, warm, and even identifies as a womanist (keeper!).  In many ways, I am the happiest I have ever been thanks to his companionship. 
Nevertheless, the white elephant of our relationship has been my discomfort with his pornographic viewing habits and his past dating "type".  I once accidentally stumbled upon his collection (seriously, it was an accident. I was changing a song on his computer and that tab happened to be open).  It didn't bother me so much that my wonderfully supportive boyfriend secretly hoarded pornographic material.  Rather, it was that none of the women "looked like me".  Since then, I've been a passive aggressive, insecure mess, going as far as to hate-view pictures of him and exes on facebook.
You see, we're in an interracial/interfaith relationship (his first, my Nth). Something about that mental imagine of my guy currently and intimately satisfying himself thanks to the visual aid of women that bear no resemblance to me and his dating past echoing that hurts.  There is definitely a racial component here.  He's White.  I'm Not. I am constantly bombarded by images of what respectably, f-able women are supposed to look like.  I now often feel unattractive and unwanted, despite him never really doing anything to warrant those feelings.  
This is all so embarrassing.  Usually, I'm very strong and outwardly confident.  I don't know what to do.  It'd suck to lose him but I also want to honor my feelings.  Am I being unfair and irrational?  How can I get past my interracial relationship insecurities?  

Can you help her get past this? Do you think she should? What would you do? Let her know in the comments!

 

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