Ja Rule Holds His Ankles, Fred Durst Wastes Food and Everything Else We Learned From "Confessions Of A Video Vixen"

Welcome to the second installment of the xoJane.com Trashy Book Club.

Jul 19, 2011 at 9:02am | Leave a comment

image

For those of you following at home, you know "Confessions of a Video Vixen" by Karrine Steffans was our Second Official xoJane.com Trashy Book Club pick. The 2005 book has attained classic status in the Trashy Book genre. Case in point: Cat, Jane and Emily had already read it. Meanwhile, intern Samantha dutifully finished it a week in advance, while Anya had just finished it that morning while hiding in a conference room.

We had the privilege of being joined by reader (and famous sex writer!) Rachel Kramer Bussel, who won the honor by proving in comments that she read along with the last book, "American Outlaw" by Jesse James.

In this memoir, Steffans, a star of many '90s and '00s rap videos, talks about her relationships, struggles, drugs, earning the nickname Superhead, single motherhood and career. But of course we cut to the chase: whom she's slept with.

The Pictures, Of Course

CAT: [To Rachel] We're taking the book club photo now. Emily's wearing the pasties from our favorite photo. (Sadly she was not.)

We were all obsessed with this photo from Mystikal's "Danger" video, for obvious reasons.

EMILY: I'm guessing Rachel Kramer Bussel has pasties.

VIN DIESEL

RACHEL: I liked the way she described Vin Diesel, but I also felt like she kind of overused her descriptions of these encounters and it almost repetitive. Like "I saw him and then there was immediately this instant attraction..." and then the same thing with a different guy… and then another guy. I still found it hot, the way she describes the Vin Diesel encounter.

ANYA: Then you remember, it's Vin Diesel.

EMILY: I think he's kinda hot.

JANE: People go one way or the other on Vin Diesel.

ANYA: Let's Google image him.

EMILY: A lot of women find The Rock very attractive.

JANE: Yeah. The Rock is mainstream. But Vin Diesel, a lot of gay men I know are attracted to him.

ANYA: I get it, but overall I was just disappointed in her choice of sex partners. You read about these hot trysts and then you remember, "Oh, right, she's talking about Fred Durst."

JANE: Well, when Vin Diesel and I had sex...

EMILY: You could write a book.  You'd be the white  indie version.

CAT: "Confessions of a Magazine Vixen's Corner."

JANE: I didn't actually sleep with Vin Diesel. For the record.

JA RULE

RACHEL: What did you guys think about when she took his sock?

SAMANTHA: She said she wanted to keep a piece of him after their five-day fling, after they had sex for the first time. When she said that he grabbed his own ankles...

[Hysterical laughter]

SAMANTHA: When she said he grabbed his own ankles as he came and
started screaming...

[More hysterical laughter and discussion of the technicalities of this]

EMILY: Do you think it was actually a cum sock that she took?

MADELINE: Don't totally know what that is, but I can try to imagine.

EMILY: You don't know what a cum sock is?

MADELINE: No. … Oh, is it cumming into a sock?

JANE: [Laughing.] No, I don't think it's a real thing.

MULTIPLE PEOPLE: Yeah! Yeah it's a real thing! Yeah it is!

JANE: Really?

MADELINE: In the comment section, our readers can tell us whether or
not come socks are real.

 

JAY-Z

EMILY: What about Jay-Z putting on the condom for the blowjob. Do we believe that?

SAMANTHA: Yeah, I believe that. He probably heard a lot about her and was like, I don't wanna catch her.

EMILY: I would not blow Jay-Z if he was wearing a condom because it tastes disgusting.

JANE: Blowing with a condom versus blowing someone who you think might have something? I'd do the condom.

EMILY: Do you actually use condoms though for oral? I'm not saying we all shouldn't be, but I don't think people actually do.

CAT: Syphillis of the throat -- it's real.

FRED DURST

SAMANTHA: With Fred Durst she thought that was, like, some type of relationship. But he took her to P.F. Chang's on the first date! And he ordered five dishes for himself and one for her!

ANYA: She said it was something she'd never forgotten, and I thought it was because she saw him for the selfish asshole he was, but not! What she thought at the time was "That is the life. Fred Durst has the life."

EMILY: I have to say though, my boyfriend orders multiple entrees when we go out and it is the life. We are balling.

CAT: She was like, he's so rich he can waste food! My sister was boning a chef at P.F. Chang's. This guy, Michael. It was like, eight years ago and like, let me tell you, it was not good. He always had these weird Band-Aids on his fingers.

CAT: Jane is eating some sort of Asian food right now.

RACHEL: If you were out with someone and they ordered five entrees, like nevermind if they can afford it, I don't know, I would be a little, like, put off by that.

JANE: I'm with you, Rachel.

EMILY: Why become a rockstar if you can't order five entrees?

JANE: I'm with Rachel. I think it's disgusting to waste all that food.

EMILY: Oh man, I wanna waste the shit out of some food.

SHAQ

JANE: So Shaq...he had a really small penis?

RACHEL: Didn't he give her $10,000 the day he met her or something?

JANE: He was constantly giving her money.

SAM: He set up her apartment, but she was making her own money and she didn't have furniture in her son's room? Her priorities were not straight! She had her son being watched by the nanny and she was finally making legitimate money [with the movie "A Man Apart"]. And then Shaq shows up and was like, "Oh, you don't have furniture in your apartment? You have a bed in your room, not in your kids' room?" And then he was sweaty and she had to flip her mattress. That was gross.

CAT: That was so gross. Sometimes I spill juice on my bed.

RACHEL: I've never been with someone who's really sweaty. I mean, I haven't been with someone who's so sweaty that I have to flip the mattress.

EMILY: Wait, can we just back up. Cat just said "Sometimes I spill juice on my bed."

CAT: It was just yesterday I poured a whole cup in my bed! I feel like an idiot.

RACHEL: But I think it's interesting that she did go out of her way to say that he was small. That was a little gratuitous.

ICE-T

JANE: What did you learn, Anya?

ANYA: I learned that Ice-T is kind of a feminist. He sounds like a really nice guy even though he only let her hold his pinky.

SAM: I like how he was like, "A man should only give a little bit of himself."

RACHEL: I thought that was weird. If I was trying to hold someone's hand and they said "No, don't hold my hand, hold my pinky..."

A Brief Interlude About Motherhood

SAMANTHA: To keep saying, "I just did it for my son, I just want to keep going -- I just wanted to get education and I wanted to get a job and I wanted to go back to school and I wanted to do this, but then she decided to just hang out with Ice Tea and learn Hollywood. She should own up to the fact that she left her son behind. Don't pretend that he was a driving force in your decisions--she left him. She was doing the movie, she had her own income and when she could have finally provided for her son, she didn't do that. She was going back and fourth to these men.

Ghost Writer?

Gilda Squire was actually the publicist. But if you're Karrine Steffans' ghost writer, please email anya@janepratt.com.

SUPERHEAD

CAT: Let's speculate on what makes her so super. I'm thinking -- I know there's the one scene where Diddy or Puffy, whatever he is then, gets all scared and is bugging out when she comes into the house. He told [her boyfriend at the time] Ray J "She'll stick her fingers in your booty." I think she's clearly stimulating these men in a way that a lot of women aren't necessarily willing to.

EMILY: So that's what makes her super.

CAT: You know, when she would like "lunge" to the dick and write "I slurped it!" Those were the scenes that's when the prose really came alive.

The End.

Have you read this book? Are you the ghost writer? Do you think Vin Diesel is hot? Discuss!