As I sit here writing this, there's a condom full of semen below my desk, plopped not-so-discreetly next to my running shoes. All I can think to myself is... how the hell did this happen?
On Sunday afternoon I re-downloaded Tinder, and by Sunday evening I had secured a date for Tuesday night. Sam agreed to meet me in downtown Los Angeles to watch me perform stand-up comedy. He was exactly how he portrayed himself to be: tall, nerdy, an engineer, and just my type. We made our way back to the westside of LA, stopping at bars and speakeasies along the way in Venice and Santa Monica, and ended the evening at his place in South Bay. To my surprise, we had crazy chemistry which led to the best sex I've had in years. The thing is, between the fucking, sucking, and last minute position changes, we realized the condom seemed to have disappeared.
“The condom is stuck inside of me. I'll be fine, this has happened before and is totally normal. Let's just go to bed and talk about it in the morning,” I calmly reassured my date after failing to fish the latex party prize from inside of me. The next morning, I briefly explained — as my date dressed for work — that this had happened twice in the past. I knew why it happened and how we could prevent it from occurring in the future.
The first two times I found myself in this situation, my partner and I were fucking aggressively when my vagina started to get dry. I’m talking Sahara Desert dry. We didn't slow down — and afterwards, the condom was nowhere to be found. (We found it eventually.)
This time was different. Sam had a rather fat penis. Not necessarily super long, but certainly thick. I noticed that night that the condom looked rather tight that night. I asked him the next day if he had ever tried using Magnum condoms. He laughed about it and told me that in the past he had previously thought about it but felt a little ridiculous buying them.
A few days later, condom still floating around inside me, we fucked again with Magnums. Sam was shocked by how much more comfortable they felt for him. Although Magnums are only slightly longer than regular condoms, they're about a half an inch wider.
Prevention is pretty simple. First, know if you're allergic to latex or any of the ingredients in lube. Second, always use proper fitting condoms, as condoms that are too big can fall off inside of you. As I learned last week, condoms that are too tight can cut off your partner's circulation, resulting in neither of you noticing the missing condom. And lastly, always make sure the vagina is lubed, be it from natural lubricants or store bought. It was the dry friction that caused this mishap the first two times for me.
Four days later, the condom has been freed. So how'd I get it out?
I was a three-time veteran this time around. So naturally I consulted to Reddit, Cosmo, and a future doctor I befriended at the local coffee shop for advice.
What's pretty fucking awesome about Sam is, although we just met, he was super supportive, offered to come help with the retrieval and grab celebratory drinks with me. I'm no professional, and I don't support foreign objects floating around my insides for days at a time. But with the rising cost of health insurance in America I was committed to taking the DIY route, since it's pretty easy to fish it out yourself or with a partner. I spent a few days trying to get it out on my own, since I’d done it twice before. I tried and tried with no luck.
But then I had an aha moment. I realized that I seemed to be standing or sitting up straight whenever I tried to find it — that ain't no way to birth a baby or a condom, ladies. I washed my hands, laid down, and started to explore my insides until I felt the base of the condom. Then I slowly pulled it out and welcomed it back into this world. If you can afford it, I'd always advise you consult your gynecologist if you find yourself in this pickle. But if you can't, I hope this helps.
I'm wondering if I should photograph the condom for my diary, attach it to this article, send it to the dude, or broadcast it on Snapchat. Pics or it didn’t happen, right?
Disclaimer: Visit the ER immediately if you feel nauseous, feverish or experience any symptoms that resemble toxic shock syndrome. Toxic shock syndrome is a rare but life-threatening infection.