The Lesbian Guide To Lesbian Etiquette

Women love to hate women as much as they love to love them, whether they're gay or not. When it comes to emotions we lose all sense of reasonable manners. That's why we steal and fight and fake stuff. It isn't just me, is it?
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Publish date:
February 1, 2013
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lesbians, sex toys, Same sex relationships, lisa luxx, lesbian etiquette

So, we were outside a Warehouse in Shoreditch for a minimal techno event. I'd got stinking drunk and we weren't allowed in, so she got stinking mad.

We ended up brawling right there on the side of the road. I kicked pretty hard but man, she totally threw a punch or two back.

Bruised and exhausted we got the bus back to my place in awkward, awkward silence. By the time she left the next evening we were pretty happy again but a few days later I started to feel this rollicking emptiness.

That's when I realised what had happened - that steaming bitch had stolen my vibrator.

I feel like when it comes to lesbian relationships all is fair in war. So, where do we draw the line?

Lesbo-etiquette is baffling at the best of times. You can hardly tell where one relationship ends and the other begins, and in my experience, most of them end because some rule or other wasn't made clear.

Whether it's no boys allowed in beds (girls in beds obviously goes without saying but honestly, it's like some girls think a romp with a bloke doesn't count) or no punching each other in public or no bringing up the relationship at right inappropriate times.

Let's start with the whole theft of favourite toys. As you can imagine one's mind was ablaze with what's and why's. Maybe it was some weird sex game, if so, I don't get it.

An act of desperation? I can just lend you cash for your own sozzler, sugar.

An extension of that gopping shrine you've been secretly building of me (er..)?

Or, and this is the one your mind really runs away with - what kind of sick fucked-up attack was that?

That's the question you can ask in all relationships, or at least all of mine. I'm sure I'll rile the pro-action feminists when I say - a girl on girl relationship is a totally level playing field.

If a bloke steals from you and whacks you one in the street for being blindo, your mates are likely to form an army and dispose of that brother in the lion's den.

Yet when you're heading out to meet your woman with war paint on and machine guns attached to your rudies, your mates just roll their eyes and giggle. No one's backing you up or holding you back.

This is my interpretation of Cynthia Wagner's research (and many others) that show lesbians have a higher break up rate than hetros and gay men.

What happened to the gentlewoman? I wonder if Virginia Woolf treated Vita like this when they were off for a jaunt around Charleston? Surely not.

Then again Vita probably didn't Whatsapp Virginia at at 3.42am saying "our relationship is so weird, are we still seeing other people btw?" after eleven months of dating.

Eleven months is a long time. A long time to wait before asking that question. Or am I just mental?

I do think it's partly to do with the high levels of female emotion just cascading through our very hearts and tits. We're too busy saying "I'm really enjoying being around you" to actually go all pragmatic and say "I'm not really into hearing about that threesome you had over New Year".

So if we ain't talking then we're gauging our boundaries on reactions. It's all like "shit, she hasn't spoken to me for a week, I probably shouldn't have told everyone we weren't really together. I guess I won't do that again..."

It's obvious that women in relationships have way more emotional energy (scientifically speaking n'all) so that's bound to get a bit much at times. Sometimes it's just bananas.

My first serious lesbian relationship ended with one mental breakdown a-piece. She was carted off to the countryside to recover and put on tranquilisers, I was passed between family members who put me in bed and fed me at regular intervals. The next time we saw each other was a month later... in the doctor's waiting room, I kid you not.

With less lusty words and saucy hands and declarations of wayward love we might have actually made that relationship work. Treating each other like high school frenimies - binging on love and hate at equal measures - does not a strong foundation make.

But women love to hate women as much as they love to love them, whether they're gay or not. When it comes to emotions we lose all sense of reasonable manners. That's why we steal and fight and fake stuff just to feel like we have some kind of control of our whopping big barrels of feelings. It isn't just me, is it?

Maybe we should draw up a series of do's and don'ts that look a bit like this:

DO establish what exactly you want from here on in, not just how much you've wanted what you already have.

DON'T whack each other in the chops, unless you're really willing to go to war.

DO say something if you don't want an open relationship, otherwise it's just the default.

DON'T pretend you don't care just so that she will say the nice things first. It's boring and you look mad when you finally admit you're stark raving looney about her and have been the whole time.

DON'T take for granted there are no other lesbians in the area so she's going to be faithful. Everyone is a potentially successful sex pest so just nip that right in the bud.

DO reign in your poems and love letters, you'll feel like a tosser when you present a scrap book of feelings to her and she replies with "I shagged your ex".

DON'T assume by this article that all lesbians have screws loose. There are some sane ones, I just haven't met them yet.

Or just use your head. If you think you shouldn't be allowed to get away with it, then you probably shouldn't do it. And just be nice, man. We are a sisterhood, after all.

Lisa's tweeting Vita Sackville-West from here @lisaluxx_.