I'm Thinking About Getting Pregnant, But The Whole Idea Kind Of Freaks Me Out

It's not that I actually think fetuses are the same as parasites. But I kind of do.

Mar 26, 2014 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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I like playing hostess but pregnancy seems like kind of an extreme case of that.

So, xoJaners, let me tell you a secret: Ed and I are having some casual conversations about kids. And it's totally freaking me out.

The actual parenting part isn't what's doing it. I mean, that's a HUGE commitment, of course, and there are so many ways to screw up the little people under your care. But I know some really amazing parents and Ed and I have a potential plan -- and I think my support network is pretty great.

What's actually giving me hives (no, literally, I have this stress rash on my chest right now) is the idea of pregnancy. Being knocked up. Falling pregnant. With child. Holding a bun in the oven.

I've always been horrified by the idea of a creature living within a host and controlling its behavior. It's probably my dad's fault for letting me watch "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" at far too young an age. Spoiler alert: Those Ceti eels will haunt me for the entire rest of my life.

If you're not familiar, that's probably for the best. But if you have a morbid curiosity and don't want to be seen reading Memory Alpha (it's pretty awesome), here's the gist: The Ceti eel larvae crawls into a person's ear and wraps around their cerebral cortex. Because reasons, this renders the host creature highly suggestible, until the eel grows larger and the host creature goes mad and dies in horrible agony.

As a child, I totally bought into the urban myth that earwigs crawled into people's ears and ate their brains.

I've creeped myself out more than the I did reading the comments on the last Creepy Corner, oh, my god.

Right, back on track. The point is that parasite/host relationships fascinate and repel me and now that I am thinking about attempting to possibly maybe get pregnant at some point in the near or less near future, every tiny little bit of body horror I have ever felt is crawling up my throat and squeezing until I want to puke.

This is not a very sexy feeling, as you might guess, which is surprisingly effective birth control.

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Freya is my current baby.

As an adopted kid, I've never really felt like biological children are imperative. I believe family is built on love and time and commitment. But adoption is expensive and difficult. And I am very fat. Many countries have BMI restrictions on who is allowed to adopt. There aren't any official restrictions placed on private agencies in the US, but, well. I worry.

Ed is interested in biological children and "I'm worried I'm too fat too adopt" is just enough reason to make me consider the biological process. (I've never been pregnant and it's anyone's guess if we're fertile together.) But as long as the idea of incubating a fetus makes me nauseous, that plan is on hold.

Y'all, every story of pregnancy I have heard has been awful. Every birth story I've ever read as involved a whole lot of terribleness. I've talked to a few women and they say it's worth it -- but people say a lot of things. People say rompers are cute and fashionable. Obviously, people cannot be trusted.

Give me the scoop, folks. Talk to me about pregnancy. Convince me -- or convince me otherwise -- that pregnancy is a thing people survive all the time without hating every second of the experience.

And while we're at it, let's talk about natural childbirth and why on earth anyone would want to do that versus drugged up delivery and why anyone wouldn't opt for that. Because, man, people seem to have some strong feelings on this topic.