StraightUpTellSomeoneTheyreHot: I'll Play, But You Have to Play, Too

The world is so filled with hotness sometimes I can hardly stand it.

Jul 9, 2013 at 12:30pm | Leave a comment

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"Jon Hamm, I don't think about you at all. Except when I'm a fawning fan asking to take a picture together."

The best part about being single is feeling like all of that hotness out there in the world is yours for the sampling, guilt-free, man!

The worst part about being single is being fucking single.

But let's be positive! HOTNESS!

Right now #StraightUpTellSomeoneTheyreHot is trending on Twitter, and my mind immediately gravitated to my Standard For Hotness (SFH): the iconic role of Johnny Depp playing a nerdy high school student (undercover!) on "21 Jump Street."

Dear Johnny Depp in 1987, I am straight up telling you I think you are hot.

But I have more. So many more. (As I don't think I'm going to find that delicate balance of circumstances that is going to lead me to find both: 1. the right time machine and 2. should time travel come to pass, unfettered access on to the "Jump Street" soundstage.)

So I'd like to take this opportunity to tell ALL these super-hot people who are not still in 1987 just how straight up hot they are.

Join me, won't you? Also: for the record, I think it's fine to straight up tell someone they're hot even if they have a significant other. Despite my wishes for the Depp DeLorean to take me back to 1987, I mostly want to appreciate these very 2013 explosions of hotness like works of art -- but I don't necessarily need to experience the hotness in question. I'm zen like that. Now here we go.

1. Jon Hamm.

It's not even the looks. (It's the looks.) It's the fact that this one exchange from "Mad Men" has become my defining life philosophy of late: "I don't think about you at all."

And he's hilarious. (And comes in at about :2:30.)

2. Dan Abrams

He's a news something.

And he runs a bunch of blogs.

And he's hot. Dan Abrams, I am straight up telling you you are hot.

BOOM. You've been served.

3. Billie Joe Armstrong.

Oh my God. To me there is no one hotter than Billie Joe. I adore this man. I interviewed him for 2 minutes at the VMA's a few years back and it was the only time I've felt truly awestruck by someone who is a celebrity. I just love his music so much, and yeah, I'm all about the eyes. The intelligence in his are blinding. Also, I'm just a sucker for catchy intelligent life-force pop rock.

4. Ryan Lochte.

I'm sorry. I really am. But, dude is hot. And I'm never into guys like this. Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the Bambi-like simplicity. Whatever it is, his body is a wonderland, dude.

5. Reggie Watts.

I'm also in love with the host of "Comedy Bang Bang," but Reggie is sex. Or maybe it's just his musical skills. Whatever, we're getting married.

5. Ronnie Cho.

He was there with President Obama in the beginning, and he's working with Obama closely once again. The dude is smart and hot as hell. He's the liaison to young Americans, and if you've never watched the documentary "For the People" you must just for Ronnie's appearance alone. (Full disclosure: I know Ronnie, and I don't want to date him or anything, I just want to straight up tell him he is hot. The end.)

6. Chris Rock.

I think it's his classic 2-minute bit on bullet control. That did it for me. I know. I have weird hot standards. Also he popped in unannounced at the Comedy Cellar a few nights ago. I just recorded the Comedy Cellar podcast there last night. COINCIDENCE?!?

7. Cristiano Ronaldo

This Portuguese soccer player may be retiring soon. KNOW WHAT HE'S NOT RETIRING? His hotness.

8. Drake.

Mostly because of "DeGrassi." Friends tell me he's still active in the industry.

9. Ed Westwick.

I guess there are other actors on "Gossip Girl." I've never noticed.

10. Ryan Gosling

Because, obviously. Science.

Who do you think is hot? No, no, let me rephrase that.

Who do you want to #straightuptellsomeonetheyrehot? It's very liberating. Trust me on this one.

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Christiano Ronaldo
Christiano Ronaldo