I am the worst about carpe-ing the diem on weekends. It could be the most beautiful day of the year -- 70 degrees and sunny-ish, if it's up to me -- but if I'm tired from an exhausting work week, going out the night before, or just fatigue from my autoimmune crap, I'll stay in the schlubby clothes I slept it and melt into the couch with my dogs.
Sometimes, within an hour or two of taking in weekend news programs and catching up on Facebook nonsense, my eyelids start to droop and I'm immobilized with a new surge of sleepiness. It doesn't matter if I slept eight hours; I'm often overwhelmed with the need to get back into bed as if I've been exerting myself like one of those perplexing weekend-warrior types.
So back to bed I go.
Unless I have specific plans for later in the day, I won't set an alarm; I'm more than happy to stay asleep for another four hours. But at least once a month, I'll wake up within an hour. It's not due to my dogs barking to have their water bowl refilled, or the elderly, tone-deaf man next door who loudly whistles "Shave and a Haircut" over and over.
It's because I'll have an orgasm.
It started happening a few years ago, specifically during weekend naps. I'd wake up in a combination of a euphoric jolt and a gentle segue, and it didn't take long for me to recognize what was happening.
That doesn't mean I understood it, though. I'm not touching myself -- these are never manually prompted orgasms. Instead, they're the very real physiological result of really intense and, frankly, kinky dreams.
Everyone has weird dreams, of course -- what dreams aren't weird? -- and I'm the first to admit that I'm very breast-centric when it comes to my sexuality and enjoyment, but these orgasmic dreams take it to another level. It's never just mainstream boob stuff. This is some deepest-folds-of-the-brain/internet stuff.
One of the most common orgasm triggers in my nap dreams: erotic lactation. I'll be breastfeeding a guy I'm attracted to (no one in particular -- it changes up) for no apparent reason other than because we both want to.
I suppose it's not impossible for that situation to happen in real life (I'm not pregnant, nor have I ever been, so it's improbable), but that's nowhere near as science-fiction-y as my other orgasm trigger.
If I'm not breastfeeding a hot male acquaintance (there's a phrase I've never typed before), my orgasm-activating nap dreams usually involve my breasts growing, either like they're inflating or -- throwback to the last paragraph! -- like they're filling with milk. (Fetishists call this B.E. or breast expansion. I've done my research.)
These dream scenarios, for reasons beyond my comprehension, are enough to make the blood rush and the muscles contract, and always so powerfully that my brain cannot stay asleep.
Hey, I'm not complaining! It's the most pleasurable sleep disturbance anyone could ask for. I'm not even as embarrassed as I thought I'd be to admit what I'm dreaming about; it's actually really fun to, for a few moments, be convinced I'm having a sexual experience I could never have in real life. It may even help me get more out of my wakeful sexual experiences.
What I'd love to figure out is why this happens to me almost exclusively during weekend naps. Kinsey's 1953 sex survey found that 37% of women have had sleep orgasms; Glamour's far less scientific 2009 online survey puts it at 80%; but I can't find any research on when women are most likely to have them.
Let's do an even less scientific survey! How often do you have orgasms in your sleep? Do they happen during a typical overnight sleep session? What are you dreaming about when they happen? Should I set up my Twitter account to auto-tweet when I have a sleepgasm?