HEY GUYS! Remember when a publicist sent me a couples' sex kit? Haha, I know I sure do.
Well, somebody sent me another! I know. Why would they do that? I just don't know. Once people start sending you sex stuff, it sort of opens up the floodgates (sorry -- very gross, in this context). Before you know it, you're getting crazy things in the mail with your Lillian Vernon catalog, freaking out your mailman, all the time, 24/7.
It sounds like fun. And sometimes it is, until you are literally buried in weird little dildos and things that are supposed to make you and your husband rediscover your passion for touching one another in the junk. I once worked with Emily at a job where her cube was like a Collyer Brothers maze of vibrators and naughty books like "The Big Book of Big Dicks," which was apparently the final straw that caused her cube neighbor to complain. Listen, I'm against sexual harassment as much as the next guy but hating on someone's carefully constructed erotic Jenga cabin is just scroogey.
So, you all remember the Dejamor box, yes? I was basically promised a bunch of hot sex stuff and instead got some bubble bath and a piece of lace with which to garrote myself. I wasn't terribly optimistic or enthused to try another sex kit, and I was even a little surprised that this is a "thing" now.
This one was shipped by a newer company, albeit one with a similar concept and the exact same, vaguely pubic confetti that came in the last one.
According to the press materials enclosed within, Couples Chemistry is different from other bone kits because there's a 100-point quiz that uses science to customize them. That's good, I guess, although anything with a "100-point quiz" sounds suspiciously redolent of eHarmony. One time my friend went on an eHarmony date with a guy who said he was super Christian and then tried a bunch of butt stuff right away. I guess I just have bad associations.
Based on the online questionnaire that the couple answers together, they get one of 22 different kits. I STILL don't have a boyfriend because I'm very busy and important, so I'll be answering these questions for myself.
I said "BUSY AND IMPORTANT," box!
Then there's a bunch of stuff about how and where you like to be touched. Wouldn't it be funny if you answered totally honestly and they sent you a box and it was just some oatmeal bath and a cyanide pill?
There's also a bunch of pamphlets with fun information about what it's like to bone.
Finally, some answers. But wait, anything in here about fucking a goat's eyelid?
Phew! For a minute I was afraid the vagaries of MY sexuality were going to go unaddressed.
OKAY. ENOUGH! Reading is for LOSERS! Let's get to the STUFF.
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
I am actually having trouble opening this (vaguely threatening?) sack! Please ignore the wounds on my hand, I "Fight Club"-ed myself while making soup.
Free lube!?!?!! Okay, okay, I take back whatever I said! There's also one of those little miniature vibrators that purports to be quiet and sounds like Leatherface's death throes. Still, this is way better than bubble bath and instructions for breakfast.
I like a lube that comes with a brochure. Shhh! It's okay, lube. You don't have to sell me on you. Here's my favorite part, though.
I always do!
And some FRENCH LETTERS! I think that's what they called them, in the Thornbirds. I don't know, I don't use them. (Kidding! Kidding. Have safe sex, kids.)
Guys, I've been around the block and I love spooky ghost stuff. But has anybody in the history of the world ever used glow in the dark condoms? What on earth is sexy in fretting about uterine chemical absorption?
Or for that matter:
ONE OF THESE!?
Seriously, I thought these were a myth. But I'm glad I don't have to Christmas shop for my sisters. This year, they're getting the gift of safety.
Should we see what's in the BIG BAG?
Some kitty toys.
Some erotic tape? I know what I'll be using THIS for. (Wrapping those dental dams I got my sisters.)
Sex dice! My friend Tom gave me a pair once that, if rolled in a certain combination, commanded you to "nibble" your partner's "eyelids." Sexy! Sexy zombie stuff. What else? Do you think there's a cock ring shaped like an engagement band?
You bet! I was super tempted to put this on Facebook with a "I said yes!" but my ex-boyfriend's dad just friended me and I don't want him to get the "wrong idea" about me. Also, is that weird? I think it's kind of weird. I don't know, I have no rubric anymore, because:
OH NO. I heard if you swallow pop rocks and cum, you explode. Or is that Pepsi? I don't remember.
And here's where I started cry-laughing. Beginner's? Oh, Couples Chemistry! You assume too much.
Okay, okay, okay. That's pretty good stuff and it didn't come with a guide telling me that women want to be talked to and breakfasted instead of straight drilled like those goofballs at Dejamor. But it DID come with a series of intimacy cards.
So, I thought I'd ask a few questions to the man in my life: My dad :(
Let's not give him any context, either.
My dad is a good sport.
OW. Dad burned. Let's get a little more intimate, shall we?
Hahaha, the holidays are going to be weird. But there's STILL MORE STUFF IN THE BOX.
I thought this was going to be my favorite item, although my stupid Mac book air doesn't have a disc drive. How am I supposed to get my fill of amatory fiction!??
That's vintage porno, my friends. Guess who has two thumbs and is about to see Tony Curtis's daughter naked?!
I hate to say it, but, well-played, box! I got a butt plug, some candy, old porno and to harass my dad. Also, there's a profile of Steven Hawking in this Playboy. I'm going to go read it, as I have already lost the miniature vibrator somewhere in my couch.
Thanks, Couples Chemistry! And as always, sex toy people, please send me more weird stuff.