I'm A Dude And I Don't "Get" Dick Pics

Have any of you ever been inspired to sleep with someone solely on the way their dick looks? Serious question.
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Publish date:
December 19, 2014
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Tags:
sexting, dick pics

About a week or so ago, the xo editors were talking about the awesome blog “Critique My Dick Pic,” which is exactly what it sounds like, and is also very obviously NSFW so if you just clicked that link in your cubicle, don’t come at me.

Critique My Dick Pic takes submissions of dick pics and, well, critiques them! The girl behind the blog only posts photos that have been sent to her from the person who owns the dick, for the purpose of use on the blog. She critiques composition, light, and photo quality, but never size.

The blog itself is entertaining because 1) Who doesn’t like looking at pictures of other people’s dicks? 2) The critiques do not play. If you don’t know how to frame a photo, either do a quick Google search or don’t bother. Anyway, go pop a bottle and lurk that blog, it’s awesome.

After perusing the site, as well as seeing more than my fair share of photographed dicks, let me just say this: As a dude with a functioning smart phone and a functioning penis, I do not understand the dick pic.

I mean, why? Just, why? Have any of you ever been inspired to sleep with someone solely on the way their dick looks? (Serious question, tell me in the comments.) Has it ever been that make-or-break? Have you ever caught yourself saying “Yeah he was cute and all, though I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to seal the deal. But girl, you should see what he’s packing!” I don’t think a dick pic has ever really tipped the scales that drastically.

What am I missing here? I love dicks. I love dicks so much that I couldn’t handle being in a relationship where mine is the only dick present, so here I am, gay as the day is long. But yo, penises are not cute, and I say that as an avid penis enthusiast. It’s sort of like, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, right? And don’t come at me with any of that “You just haven’t seen the right dicks” because trust me, I have. I’ve done the legwork.

Dicks are not photogenic. When was the last time you saw a truly aesthetically pleasing photo of a dong? Actually never (although a friend of mine did recently show me a dick pic shot by candlelight, LOL. Just like our forefathers.) Chances are, a close-up photo of a veiny, shiny, multicolored wang shot execution style is going to more of a turn-off than anything. And don’t even get me started on the guys that shoot them flaccid. Utterly pointless, and yet brave.

But truly, what is the point of all these dudes sending their penises around? What’s the end game here? As a newly single guy (hey boys) I’ve gotten a few numbers and these dudes have tried to spit some game via text, but chances are, if I’m not making it a point to meet you in person, I sure as hell don’t want you filling up my inbox, because I’m probably doing something more productive. I can’t stand flirting via text, or flirting in general, so don’t waste my time, and certainly don’t send me a photo of your dick because, really, how do you expect me to respond? “Oh no way! I have one of those, too!”

If I wanted to see your dick, I’d be looking at the real thing right now.

Is it supposed to be proof? Like, evidence that you do, in fact, have a penis? Chances are, if we’ve been talking and the prospect of me bringing you home is in the cards, I’m already trusting that you have a dick. I’m going on faith here.

And the way these guys actually shoot the dick pics…mercy. There are some cardinal rules that everyone knows when shooting a photo, whether it be of a person, an object, or a penis. First and foremost: Don’t shoot from below.

You know when you open the camera on your phone and it’s still in selfie mode, facing you from below at close range? UGH. That jarring moment when you’re like, “Is that really how I look?” But then you extend your arm and find your light, revealing the true beauty you really are. Angles, people, angles. My dad was taking a photo of my mom and I a few weeks ago and for some god awful reason he knelt down, and my mom stopped him and goes “Are you really going to shoot that from below?” Yes girl! Take him to SCHOOL.

Apparently none of these guys are aware of that rule because some of this Cirque du Soleil shit I’ve seen to get what they think is an optimal dick pic is unreal. How about this, guys. If you’re contorting your spine to photograph your penis more than you would to tie your shoes, just don’t. And you know what are even less photogenic than a penis? Balls.

My other favorite is the objects they’ll hold next to their dicks to show, like, proportion, I guess? Let’s see, what have I seen nestled next to a dick? What haven’t I? Remote controls. Cans of shave gel (why is it always shave gel?) Hairspray. Frozen burritos. I guess I commend them for wanting to accurately depict what they’re packing, but honestly, how many of them think that we’re sweating them that hard?

If anything, dick pics have become a sort of currency. How many salacious photos need to be exchanged before sealing the deal with someone? Does the quality of the photos, or the size of the penis in question, expedite this process? Sometimes it seems that the exchange and ownership of these photos has become more exciting than the sex itself, if sex is even where it was heading in the first place. Some people have a got a serious library of cock on their phones, which is always fun to go through, but what’s the point of just being another entry in their collections?

I’m not being a hater, I promise. If you like sending or receiving dick pics, then HAVE AT IT. I am not here to stop you. I’m not trying to go all Sam Smith on you and say that dick pics are somehow ruining romance in 2014 or whatever. Fuck romance. I’m just saying that a dick pic isn’t really what gets me going. The only things I’m concerned with looking at are my hair and my bank account, both things I take very good care of. You can keep your dick pics.

So, what are your thoughts on dick pics? Do you need to see them before going in for the kill? If you're feeling a guy, could a dick pic make or break it either way? How many dick pics do you have on your phone right now? POST THEM IN THE COMMENTS! I actually don't have any, and now I'm kind of feeling left out. Anyway, let's talk.

Tweet Tynan all of your dick pics on Twitter @TynanBuck.