I'll Try Anything Once: Masque Sexual Flavor Strips

These dissolvable oral gel strips are supposed to mask oral sex flavors. Is this a real problem???

Jun 20, 2011 at 11:02am | Leave a comment

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Oh boy. Can I just say, to begin with, that I've got really no problem with the taste of a clean penis? I mean, my desire or reticence to give oral sex has very little to do with flavor concerns. So perhaps I'm not the target audience for Masque's Sexual Flavor strips, which purport to "neutralize unappealing taste profiles associated with oral sex."

But, as they (we) say, I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE. (Yes, even murder.) And while I've got no major objections to any fellatio "taste profiles," I certainly wouldn't frown if going down on a guy suddenly reminded me of having a delicious milkshake. (OK, not murder.)

They're basically just like Listerine strips that you let dissolve completely on your tongue before putting your tongue on someone's junk. They come in mango, watermelon and chocolate, but Masque sent me strawberry, which Jane was disappointed about I think because she thought "mango" sounded gross and she loves making people do bad things. Or maybe she hates me, I don't know -- JANE WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO TASTE MANGO PENIS?

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The flavor itself isn't that bad; it's the "mint base" that mingles with the strawberry flavor to create a taste that is best described as, I don't know, "burny"? Like how you'd imagine burning plastic would taste? If you sort of dripped it down your throat?While you were s-ing a d?

The worst part is that despite pretty much knowing how I feel about this product 3 seconds in, I still have to finish giving my boyfriend a whole b-job. I thought about stopping and explaining to him that this wasn't a real blowjob, but a scientific blowjob, and that my research had now been concluded. But you know, he's a really good guy, he makes me dinner a lot and tells me I look "fancy" when I'm wearing a nice dress, so I decided to stick it out. 

Once I started to get some momentum, my spit actually sort of foamed up  into a strawberry juice lather, so I feel like a rabid dog gnawing at my boyfriend's crotch. At one point, during a period of particularly enthusiastic thrusting, I thought I might be about to enjoy the  "taste profile" of strawberry-flavored vomit. I will say, however, that the final swallow, once the strip's flavor had been somehwhat neutralized by my saliva, was actually quite pleasant. A nice way to finish a job well done.

But maybe the other flavors are better? Probably not mango. But if you really hate the taste of oral sex, this will definitely be different than that. Like how my father used to ask me if I wanted him to punch me in the arm to "take my mind off it" when I complained about having a headache. You can get a 3-pack for $18 here.

 And in the name of solidarity Jane even tasted the damn things! See her reaction below.

Is there some kind of funky penis trend happening that I'm not aware of, creating a need for this product? And what other terrible things can I do to myself and others for this column?