I've Slept With Nearly 20 Guys And Never Had An Orgasm

Although my sexual history has been fairly varied, there is one common factor across all my sexual experiences. I have never, ever, ever had an orgasm with a partner.
Author:
Publish date:
September 28, 2015
Tags:
Tags:
Dating, orgasms, no orgasms, sex

Let's start: I've slept with nearly 20 guys.

I'll just drop that there. Not as a brag (Is it brag-worthy? Is it a low number? A high number? Who the hell knows?) but just as a fact.

One time was in a ski bubble lift. (OK, maybe that's a slight brag... but I do feel like something was achieved there.) A few of those partners were boyfriends. Some were "friends with benefits" and some were very brief affairs. Some guys were very sweet and some were complete douches – you live and learn.

Although my sexual history has been fairly varied, there is one common factor across all my sexual experiences. Something big and important has been missing. I have never, ever, ever had an orgasm with a partner.

The part where I confidently straddle the man and whip my perfectly tousled hair back while screaming in ecstasy – as promised by TV – has never come close to existing for me. Not that I can't orgasm. I do, and do very well, on my own and with a number of sex toys.

By the time I was 19, I had had two boyfriends with which I was sexually active. I had been with my then-boyfriend for 2 years. Like any teen, I got horny and I loved making out with my boyfriend. But no matter what I tried, there came a point when in the bedroom where my body would go, “Nope. That's enough for you.”

I got aroused, but no more than that. After months of experimentation, physical intimacy stopped interesting me. It was fine, I guess. But just "fine."

I cant fault my then-boyfriend for not trying, he was very patient and understanding. He was caring and generous and he deeply wanted me to enjoy our physical relationship as much as he did. We (and future boyfriends) tried oral sex and manual clitoral stimulation; I wasn't just laying back and waiting for intercourse to get me off. But for whatever reason, it just didn't work.

It was during this relationship that I discovered my experience wasn't "normal." It was a boozy evening with the girls from college, so naturally sex talk was on the agenda. My friends eagerly swapped stories on what got them off and who they'd had their best experiences with. They all enthusiastically agreed they loved sex.

My mind was blown. I tried to keep my face neutral as I had a wine-fueled epiphany. All my friends loved sex and seemed to orgasm during it more often than not. It was expected. It was normal.

And I was not.

Until then I had believed the myth that women didn't really want or enjoy sex, and that the female orgasm was an elusive thing. I assumed most girls had similar experiences to my own. I believed the old TV trope about a wife faking a headache to get out of sex with her husband. It backed up my assumptions that dissatisfaction in bed was common for women.

Eventually things ended with my boyfriend of two years. After getting over the break-up, I must admit I was looking forward to the future. This was IT. I was going to discover all the hot, young, wild sex I had been hearing about.

I was excited to discover what I had been missing out on. I dated a few other guys and, although I had fun, I still never got slightly close to enjoying sex. It was Just Fine.

There was another boyfriend, and I was honest with him about my past, and we tried the old things, plus lots of new things, but still nothing happened. Looking back, I now see that I was putting too much pressure on myself.

After that relationship ended, I decided to take a long break from the dating game. I make an effort to accept myself the way I was, and to try and remove the pressure I had put on myself.

In a society where sex – especially "great" sex – is so important and always shoved in your face, it can be hard not to feel a little bit broken. Like everyone else is in on something that you can't be a part of.

I tried to get to know my body and work toward improving my relationship with sex. I now know there are others who find it harder to reach orgasm. I've read various articles by sex therapists, and even found myself on the Cosmo sex advice page (Cosmo, you crazy).

I know all the maxims: Enjoy the sexual journey; don't put pressure on yourself on finish; be with someone you trust; take it slow; don't start with penetrative sex straight away. (I will never get over the icky weird feeling that reading “penetrative” gives me). I understand the advice, but when it comes to the actual event, my body still reacts the same way.

I know I should “just relax” and “be in the moment” and “go with whatever feels good.” Which is all very well, but there is a considerable difference between telling yourself its mother-effing time to relax... and actually relaxing. All it does its make me aware IM NOT AT ALL RELAXED.

Its now become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worry each sexual encounter will be yet another "fine" experience, so I stress out, thus probably ruining any chance of actually enjoying it.

I love dating and meeting people. I love the thrill of flirting and getting to know someone. I don't want to give up on my love life because of a bedroom issue. But still, whenever it starts to get physical with a guy – whether its someone I've been with for a while or someone I'm just looking for some fun with – I find myself over-thinking and stressing myself out.

Will this just be like all the other times?”

I mean, I want to do it.. but is it just going to be another disappointment?

Shit, you're over-thinking.

Just enjoy it.

Am I enjoying this?

...Maybe if I wasn't analyzing it so much...

Or, on the rare occasions that I'm feeling particularly pessimistic, What's even the point?

While I've come closer to accepting myself the way I am, I do worry about how it will impact future serious relationships. Currently there is someone in my life I deeply care about, but my worries about the physical side of intimacy have made me reluctant to let anything develop with this person.

Sexual compatibility is often touted as one of key components of a healthy long term relationship – what does that mean for my future?

I know I am likely to stop becoming aroused, as I have in other relationships when the initial lust fades and I realize the sex act is doing nothing for me. I don't want a partner to be disappointed in our private life and I do deeply wish I knew what it was like to connect to someone on that level.

But I also don't want to be with someone and feel like I “should” be having sex just to please my partner. For now, I'm still working on improving my relationship with sex and allowing myself to take time with the process.

Ultimately I want what everyone wants: to feel normal, and have great sex.