The other day I paused, while deep-conditioning my hair in the shower, and began to think long and hard about what I did to screw up my last date with this guy I was starting to like. Like, really like.
We went out twice and after our second date, I dialed three people on my favorites list to tell them all about it. That is not like me.
See, I go on dates every so often, and after most of them I want to toss my phone across my living room and enter a time machine to go back three hours and pretend none of it ever happened. Or I’m left feeling discouraged. Or I’m left digging a spoon deep into some Cherry Garcia.
But not this one. No. I had such a great time. But then I didn’t hear from him. So my persistent personality kicked in and I texted him a few days later. He responded with one word. In which I responded with another question and then he didn’t respond at all. Ever again.
I got the hint. I totally and fully understood that he was not that into me. But what happened?
Date two had gone like this: I had him laughing, and then halfway through lunch, we were making plans to explore The Museum of Natural History next weekend.
If I brought this problem to the brunch table for my girlfriends to dissect, they’d assure me nothing was wrong with me. That I’m a perfect princess and clearly he wasn’t ready to handle someone so awesome. That maybe he’s not over his ex. Or he's just really busy with work. Or maybe he’s an alien and secretly lives on Mars and is not ready for a long-distance relationship.
Now that one sounds crazy. But that’s what our friends are for, right? They are the padding on the walls for us to slam into and then bounce off of and be just fine. I’m thankful for that. Sometimes.
After this second date, I wanted to know what I did wrong. I thought about maybe emailing him and saying something like, “Listen, I saw that you logged back onto Tinder 3 hours after our last date (okay, I’m done with the crazy); clearly I blew this and I’d appreciate it if you could tell me what I did wrong. So that in the future I don’t do it again, or I’m aware when I’m doing it, or I work on censoring it. Throw me a constructive criticism bone here, will you?
I guess I’m not ready to do that yet. So instead, while I was in the shower deep conditioning my hair and contemplating all this, I came up with a dating exit interview. I hope to have the courage to send this to the next guy who gets my heart pumping before giving me sad radio silence.
Jen Glantz’s Dating Exit Interview
Name (*required): _________________________
Length of time “dating” Jen Glantz: _________________________
Reason for leaving:
• Lack of interest: She didn’t see.
• Better opportunities: I’m not ready to kick my Tinder addiction. I even tried to swipe right at a girl I met, in person, last night at a bar.
• Relocation: She says she’s from Florida like it’s someplace special. Would I ever consider moving there? I don’t know. Maybe when I’m 65 and my only handicap isn’t on the golf course.
• Better compensation (salary/benefits): She’s a writer. I’m looking for a sugar momma or a stay at home momma. Not someone who has a work to-do list that resembles some people’s Costco grocery list.
• Lack of advancement: She didn’t have any “game” or exhibit any flirtatious gestures. When I went in for a kiss, she turned her head and for two seconds, my tongue got real intimate with her cochlea.
• Lack of training and development: If dating was a course in school, and it was pass-fail, Jen would fail.
• Management related: She has no work / life balance. She was answering direct messages on Twitter on her phone under the table.
• Working conditions: There might have been a stain on her silk gray blouse. There certainly was lipstick on her teeth for a good 45 minutes.
• Job-related stress: Our debate over ObamaCare got so heated, the people at the table next to us asked to move to a quieter, less hostile location.
• All of the above.
Jen Glantz is sorry for any emotional or personal property damage she caused you. She knows a really good dry cleaner on the Upper East Side who gets stains out really quickly. Say you went on a date with Jen and they’ll give you 10 percent off and a hug.
What would your exit interview look like if you had one?