I am trying not to die.
These six words have become my mind’s rallying cry. They come screeching into my brain almost every single moment of every single day. Yet, I’ve only allowed them to escape my lips while sitting on my therapist's serenity blue couch.
Cause the rule is when the teenybopper grocery clerk or the yoga pants and Starbucks-sipping moms at playgroup ask, “How are you doing?” they do not want you to say anything but “Fine” “Great” or “I’m good.”
And I know that rule. I’ve lived that rule. But suddenly, when every moment has become an epic campaign for survival, I feel absolutely consumed with shouting my battle cry like some kind of Braveheart. This pain leaves me wrecked, desperate, and screaming on the floor of my own brain because I am hoping and praying that someone will finally hear me scream. Hoping that somehow, somebody will see me fighting so mightily for this thing that I call life and that they will do something, anything to help.
I am trying not to die.
Most of this is because there are five other words that are crashing into my life and ripping it to unrecognizable shreds. These five words are my true obsession. These five words are the reason for this pain. But I can not say them, I can not feel them, I can not DO them because this will make them real.
This will make all this horrible, miserable, no good shit that is happening to me the truth. And this can not be my truth. This can not be my life. This can not be my story. This can not be me.
But it is. These five words are my real. These five word are happening. These five words are my life. And if I don’t tell the truth about them right now, these five words will be my death.
The only way to really live is in the FULL truth of it all. In the ugly. In the beauty. But always in the all caps, TRUTH. And at this moment in the life of one very terrified, Senam SistaTV Amegashie, my truth lies in these five words I’ve allowed to leech my joy like the soul-sucking “hurt people hurt people”person they are so confusingly attached to.
I am getting a divorce.
Fear is telling me that these five words will be the end of me. Fear is telling me that the children and I will be destitute. Fear is telling me that I will be FOREVER ALONE. Fear is telling me that I will not be able to do it and that I’m not good at life. Fear is telling me that if I let these five words be the truth, I will never get the chance to be all I that I’m destined to be. Fear is telling me I have no money, no job, no home, three children, and NO WAY OUT.
But Fear is a lie. My life is a light. A big, bright, beautiful light for the world. My light is good and someone needs my light. Someone needs to see my light to help them decide not to kill off their own. Someone needs me to shine like the summer Solstice.
So I have to live. I have to make it through this to show them that they can do it too. To show them that THEY CAN MAKE IT.
I get to decide what these five words will mean for my life. I get to decide the weight they will hold in the life of Senam. And I’ve decided that these five words are the beginning of my life. The first steps to the Greatness of MY LIFE.
These five words are the end of gaslighting.
These five words are the end of forced insecurities.
These five words are the end of so, so many lies.
These five words are the end of unhealthy dependence.
These five words are the end of fear mongering, denial, and crazy making.
These five words are the end playing myself small so that others could feel big.
These five words are the end.
Here is the TRUTH. My name is motherfucking, Senam “SistaTV”Amegashie. I am half female, half FAHMAZING, and ALL THE WAY FABULOUS. I am brave. I am smart. I am worthy. I am made of every good thing in this world. And I deserve and will very soon receive blessings of love, abundance, stability, peace, prosperity, and pleasure beyond measure in my life.
Five words do not define me. Five words will not END ME.