IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Had The Chance To Become A Porn Star But I Blew It and Now I Kind Of Regret It

The FOMO is overwhelming.

Jan 24, 2014 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

I was 13 and I had a best friend with a really hot older brother who had an impressive collection of porn stashed in a box under his bed. We knew this because he also kept a bunch of old SNL DVDs there too, which we secretly and regularly raided, and one day, we found a porn treasury nestled discreetly between season 22 and 23.
 
This was our secret ritual. When he wasn’t home, we’d sneak into his room with a bag of spicy Cheetos, flop onto his bed that smelled of AXE Body Spray and weed, and watch the porn DVD’s back to back for hours, alternating between maniacal giggling and screaming “EEEEWWWW!!” at the screen.
 
It was gross and magical, like a stuffed-crust pizza or a baby birth, burning my young eyeballs but I couldn’t look away. 
 
Though the combination of AXE, weed, and Cheeto smell lingers in my memory as the scent of my tween-hood, porn disappears from my life until I’m the age I am now and I wake up to an email from the casting director of Playboy TV. They’ve seen my profile on the online casting network I belong to and they want to know if I’d be interested in auditioning for a spot on one of their original shows. 
 
I’ve never actually seen this show before, or watched Playboy TV at all before this, but I imagine it to be something like an edgier and more mature version of MTV’s The Real World. Lots of hot tubs, hidden cameras. Sexy, but not porny. Maybe some mild to moderate toplessness, the thought of which makes me poop myself in fear, but I figure the money I’d get paid if I were cast would make it worthwhile.
 
However, a quick Google search reveals that this is not your everyday run-of-the-mill Jersey Shore-esque bikini hot tub make out joint. Apparently, toplessness is the minor leagues. This is a show about like, full-blown sex. Like boobs and butts and thrusting action and sex swings and OH GOD WHAT WHAT WHAT. 
 
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To porn or not to porn, that is the question.

 
I really, really like the idea of being the kind of person who does fun, spontaneous things like audition for Playboy TV, some crazy-cool adventurous hot girl who takes her shirt off in front of people and doesn’t GAF about what anyone thinks. The only problem is I do GAF. I give many, many F’s.
 
But, but…look how much fun they’re having licking whipped cream off some girl’s boob and spreading grape jelly between each other’s butt cheeks all over the TV! I mean it’s not everyday you get an email from Playboy TV. I confirm the audition date before I can talk myself out of it. They send me the audition sides and tell me to bring a bikini top. Oh hell. Whatever, I’M GONNA BE RICH, BITCH!  
 
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Practicing my Playboy face. 

 
The morning of the audition I walk into the lobby and immediately start sweating. I feel dizzy. I should be fine with this. Why am I not fine with this? My eye is twitching and my lip is doing this weird wobbly thing it does when I’m anxious. 
 
You are the only person freaking out right now. Everyone else here is acting normal. Be normal! 
 
My lungs feel like they might explode and I’m starting to see little dots in front of my eyes. I grabbed my bag and left before they even called my name.
 
That night, safe in a nest of blankets browsing through Netflix and eating peanut butter out of the jar, I’m trying really hard to forget that this dumb day even happened. I’m totally glad I didn’t go through with it, I think. I mean, it was probably awful. Or not. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. I wish I had at least gone inside the audition room so I could definitively say at the end of it all, “That was terrible! I hated it!” or “YAAAAHS I LOVE IT MORE MORE MORE.”
 
What if it was actually super liberating and I really liked it? What if I kicked that audition’s ass, got my naked self on TV, made a bunch of money, and proceeded to have the time of my life?? The FOMO is overwhelming. EVERYONE ELSE IS OUT THERE DOING FUN STUFF AND WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?? 
 
But once you have a panic attack at an audition for Playboy TV and run out the door hyperventilating like a rabid animal, you never go back. As much as it kills me that I missed my possibly one and only chance at Playboy stardom, I will forever remain the triple-nasty XXX porn superstar I am in my own mind. And in my mind, you can totally keep your clothes on if you want.