How Not To Be A Dick While Online Dating

The reasons why we choose to dive into online dating aren’t any different than the reasons why we want love in the first place. Call me crazy, but we shouldn’t be ashamed of that.

Jun 25, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

I’m a Rageaholic. I love the Rageahol.
 
This is probably why I’ve never made use of things like Facebook lists. That little unsubscribe button. Or classic “Unfriend.” Why would I do that when I can throw on a pair of sweatpants, slap on a face masque, and hate-read status updates to my husband. 
 
I don’t know if it was because spring was in the air or that the Facebook algorithm had figured out my awful habit, but not long ago my newsfeed became inundated with complaints about online dating. 
 
My rage-boner was out of control. So much whining and delusion and amiriteladies?! Worse, every post seemed to get absurd numbers of likes. 40 likes here. 18 comments there. Add those two up, and that’s about the number of times I made a jerking off motion while reading this crap. 
 
It was clear to me that this enabling wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. And it would be socially inappropriate to drop truth bombs directly onto the pity party. So I’m writing this instead. Totally not a dick move.
 
How not to be a dick while online dating:
 
1. Don’t shit on the process while engaging in the process.
 
I’m using dating reality show language here. But you’re not going to “make a connection” and go on one of those breathtaking helicopter dates if you’re showing every sign that you’re not ready for love. 
 
Signs include referring to the website and/or dates with absurd names that only reveal your utter lack of creativity and possible racism -- i.e.,“Can’t believe I said yes to another OKStupid date with Captain Curry.” 
 
Or stating in your About Me that you have NO CLUE why you’re even ON THIS SITE. To quote every chick that’s ever been slighted by another woman on The Bachelor, “Then why are you here?!” 
 
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Zero ‘likes.’

 
2. Stop venting about selfies. 
 
Just as Kreashawn lamented our culture of Basic Bitches in “Gucci Gucci,” I would like to call out Basic Bitching when it comes to online dating. I’m referring to complaints that are standard. Boring. Not funny.  
 
Yes, you will see hundreds of shirtless selfies inviting you to the gun show. Yes, you will get messages that do not make the most of the English language. And yes, you will meet people who are very different than how they seemed in their profile. Sharing these stories is half the fun of online dating. I get that. Talk about it over bottom-less mimosas. But keep it offline. You’re just going to look like a bitch.
 
Unless it’s really good. Like if your date shows up looking like WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler and gets into a tables-ladders-chairs match at The Cheesecake Factory to win back your heart and the World Heavyweight Championship. Hashtag the shit out of that. 
 
4. Don’t treat it like a free pass to say sexist crap.
 
I went to a women’s college. Needless to say, many of my Facebook friends are vocal feminists. They are smart, compassionate, and read a lot of lady-websites such as this. Yet, time and time again I find these passionate young women throwing thoughtfulness out the window and posting shit like, "Men are such assholes.” “All of the guys online are dicks.” “Fuck boys.” 
 
Women are bitches. Every chick online is crazy. Fuck girls.
 
Do not perpetrate a double standard. And yes, you can probably make a case for me being a latent misogynist. I’m sure there are plenty of inconsistencies here. I’ll give you that. I’m working on it. But this is not what love looks like. Plus it’s entirely too heteronormative.
 
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Modern love?

 
 
5. Don’t make a generic-ass profile and then complain about the messages you get.
 
So you like to have fun. You love to laugh. You enjoy travel. Trying new foods. You’re always up for adventure.  
 
Well, guess what?
 
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He's a freegan too!

 
This is Bowser. He doesn’t send very thoughtful messages. They are riddled with typos and often devolve into manifestos about the neighborhood’s feral cat problem. 
 
You are a human. You aren’t some start-up company that needs SEO magic and appealing keywords. Pro tip: If your profile is nearly void of any proper nouns, you’ve made yourself a generic-ass profile and nobody knows who the hell you are. Including you. That’s a problem. 
 
6. Don’t lie about it. Especially when it works.
 
“On Facebook.” That was the bullshit answer my now-husband gave his mother when she asked how we met. Apparently Facebook is less "Internet" and thus less "shameful" than a dating website. Either way, even my sweet, technologically challenged Cindy could smell a rat. 
 
When I first joined OKCupid in 2006, I lucked out in the excuses department. I went to a women’s college. The bars were full of townies that had been with every chick in my house.  I was constantly traveling. I was busy.
 
We’re busy.  We are busy people.
 
Some of us are. 
 
But a lot of us are just watching Netflix marathons.
 
Real talk. I started online dating because I wanted to feel less alone. That’s all. Because I missed having a best friend I could also make out with.  
 
The reasons why we choose to dive into online dating aren’t any different than the reasons why we want love in the first place. Call me crazy, but we shouldn’t be ashamed of that. So stop letting your friends tell you that you’re “too good” for it. Or that people like you “don’t need it.” You want it. And that should be enough. 
 
So how did my husband and I actually meet? Online. OKCupid.com. He sent me a short message. I replied with a slightly longer one. He asked me out for a drink. I enjoyed our date. He wanted to be my boyfriend. I had to move to Los Angeles. He followed me 3,000 miles. And we decided to spend the rest of our lives together.  
 
It’s your classic DaveFons meets TheJohnKimble story.