How Not To Be A Dick To A Virgin

I should just “get it over with?” Sorry, but I’m not going to find some random guy to have sex with so you can feel more comfortable about my (non)sex life.

Oct 7, 2013 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

I think of myself as a pretty normal 27 year old woman. I have a job, I have friends, have a great relationship with my folks, I am trying to write the next great American novel (with very little success, I might add), and I’m more obsessed with my dog than I thought I would be when I got her.
 
Okay, maybe that part is not so normal. But probably the most abnormal thing about me is *cue drumroll*: I am a virgin. That’s right folks! No dick has ever passed any of my lips and no guy has seen me naked, although I have seen quite a few guys naked in those awkward instances, which were mostly awkward for the guy who thought he was getting some.
 
I am a virgin in every physical sense of the word. And in my 27 years, I notice that MOST of the western culture is just downright dumbfounded when they come across a specimen in their 20s or above who has never had sex. Hell, a movie was made about it. So, I’ve compiled a list on what not to do if you should ever find yourself interacting with a perfectly normal person who happens to be a virgin.
 
1. Don’t praise me for being a virgin.
 
I see myself as a staunch feminist, so praising me for being a virgin does not sit well with me. It suggests that women who are not virgins and didn’t wait for marriage are somehow wrong or weak. No. I believe that all women - all people should be able to decide when they are ready to have sex.
 
Besides, I have no “profound reason” for waiting, like religion or love. While there are people who wait for marriage or for religious reasons, there are other reasons too.  I’m an atheist and while I would, ideally, like my first time to be with someone I love, the MAIN reason why I’m still a virgin is because I have not found the person I would like to fuck yet. I’m an extremely picky person - sue me. Being a virgin is nothing I am not ashamed of, but it is not something I’m proud of either. It is just a part of who I am at the moment.
 
If you’re going to praise me for something, I would rather you praise me for my outfit or my wit, not that I’ve been successful at keeping dicks out of my vagina for so long. 
 
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Not a purity ring, but a cute ring that I bought for five bucks.

 
2. Don’t tell me sex is not a big deal and to just “get it over with.”
 
All I have to say is, OF COURSE sex is a big deal. Even if you’re the person who engages in sex with little or no emotion involved, it still is a big deal because of the power of choice. You choose the people you want to have sex with, you choose how you want to have sex, and you choose whether or not you want to wear a monkey mask while you’re screwing.
 
If the choice was taken from you, or even forced on you, I doubt you would be saying, “Oh well, it’s not a big deal. It’s just sex.”  I’m a virgin, but I’ve heard and seen enough to know that sex is never “just sex.” Ownership of your body is a very big deal, especially to us women. And waiting until I’m ready and who I want my first time to be with is a VERY big deal to me.
 
As far as “get it over with?” Sorry, but I’m not going to find some random guy to have sex with so you can feel more comfortable about my (non)sex life.
 
3. Don’t assume that something is wrong with me because I haven’t fucked anyone.
 
I can’t tell you how many times people have scrunched their noses in disgust when they realize I never screwed anyone. In our society, we place value on people depending on weight, salary, race, and, now, on whether or not a person has had sex.
 
Unless you want to fuck me, my advice is not to worry why I haven’t jumped into bed with someone yet. I have no psychological issues, no weird growth on my back that has prevented me from having sex. In fact, the stereotype that men do not want to have sex with virgins? NOT. TRUE. AT. ALL. This brings me to the next rule: 
 
4. Don’t pressure me into having sex, try to find me a fuck buddy, or tell complete strangers that I am a virgin.
 
Dealing with men whose sole mission is to “boldly go where no man has gone before”, makes dating even MORE stressful.
 
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My vagina is the Star Trek of sex!

I have only told two men who I actually considered fucking, but I don’t go around and tell random people (other than y’all dear readers) that I am a virgin. However, if you’re a dear friend of mine, that does NOT give you the license to tell men, who you’re trying to set me up with, that I’m a virgin before he even knows my name; I don’t need a fuck buddy. Being a virgin in a sex-crazed world is stressful enough; you don’t need to add on to that stress by doing everything you can to get me laid, even if you’re thinking that you’re trying to help me.
 
If I don’t fuck someone right this minute, will some evil dude push the big red button and blow up the entire universe, while stroking his cat, cackling evilly as he’s twirling his long, black moustache? No? Then get the fuck off my back about it!  As for the men, I don’t care if you moan and groan about me being a virgin and how you would NEVER screw a virgin. One: it’s a lie because why are you still calling me and trying to invite me to your apartment to help me “relax”? Two: It’s creepy and pressuring me is a sure-fire way for me not to have sex with you. EVER. 
 
5. I’m not a prude and you can talk to me about sex.
 
My friends, at times, have a hard time discussing their sex lives with me becaus,e as a virgin, they think I am ignorant of such things and that I am a prude; I’m not. Just because I have a virgin body does not mean that I have a virgin mind. I‘m aware of blowjobs, cunnilingus, the Dirty Sanchez, Dog In A Bathtub, The Corkscrew, The Menthol, and so many more!  
 
And while I have not screwed anyone yet, I do see myself as a sexual person. I watch porn every now and then, I have shopped at a sex store, I read erotica occasionally, and I know what turns me on and what doesn’t. I even practice self-love, the best kind of love of all. I am a virgin, but I like sex and I like talking about it just as much as anyone else.  
 
So, please, if you have a dirty story you want to tell or some funny sex disaster you had with a guy, you can tell me. I’ll know what you’re talking about and I won’t judge you for it.
 
6. Don’t assume that I’m missing out on life.
 
Look, I get it: sex is great. But sex is not the only thing. Yes, I know it sounds cliché, but it’s really not. For one, I do know that sex is not always great. It does not always feel good, it is not always enjoyable, and especially when it is your first time (ever or with someone else) it can be downright awkward. Plus, I haven’t found the person I want my first time to be with yet, so I don’t think I’m missing out on anything.
 
Also, while you’re worrying whether or not I will ever find someone to fuck, you want to know what I’m doing? I’m working at my job and trying to get a promotion so I can get my credit in order and save up on a trip to Hawaii. I’m paying rent, walking my dog, going out for drinks with friends, talking on the phone with my mother, writing, reading a good book, cooking a meal, cussing out Republicans on internet forums and in person, and, dating … if I’m up for it.
 
I’m living my life. I don’t think about virgin stuff 24/7 and neither should you. Even if I never do find the person I want to have sex with, I like my life and it’s going in the direction I want it to go. And I feel that is more than what most people have, “experienced” or not.