Early last year I ended a monogamous relationship with someone I had been with for more than a decade. In the aftermath of the breakup I decided that what I most wanted at this stage in my life was sex, and lots of it. I dubbed 2013 my "year of fucking recreationally" and set out to find some hot, sweaty, messy, dirty, uncomplicated fun with like-minded friends. And find it I did! Here are some things that I learned about what it's really like to seek casual sex as a forty year old fat chick.
Now, I should note that when I tell you I'm fat, I really mean it. I'm not just slightly chubby and complaining about those last 15 pounds. I'm rather short and weigh almost precisely 300 lbs. I wear size 28 clothing. Unless you think such things are mutually exclusive, I would describe myself as reasonably pretty, in a natural, low-maintenance, naughty librarian kind of way. I am fiercely intelligent, deeply hilarious, casually stylish, utterly unselfconscious and really, genuinely nice. I am also an absolute riot in the sack. And I've been getting laid like crazy.
I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm not at all offended by that fact. I respect that attraction is a personal thing and that lots of guys just aren't into what I have to offer. That's ok with me, as long as they're not dicks about it. I have my own tastes and preferences as well, so I'm certainly not going to begrudge anyone else theirs.
If you have a mullet or a moustache or you don't know how to use there, their and they're correctly, I'm probably not going to be attracted to you. And I'm allowed to feel that way, just as you are allowed to feel any way you wish about me. But don't do as one man did and send me a message out of the blue on Plenty of Fish to tell me that my mere presence there is disgusting and that I shouldn't subject "normal" people to the affront of having to see my picture on that site. You go have your fun and let me have mine.
During the course of this year, I have had a lot of sex with a lot of different partners. And I'm not the least bit apologetic about that fact. Everyone involved has been a consenting adult, communication about expectations and boundaries was clear, and safeguarding my sexual health is always at the forefront of my mind. So why not? Some have developed into lovely ongoing sexual friendships, and some were deliciously filthy little adventures where we never laid eyes on one another again after we parted ways. All were honest expressions of my current sexuality.
I've discovered that there are a few different categories that the men who are interested in me tend to fall into, based both on those who I have hooked up with and the many others I have chatted with on the couple of different dating websites I belong to.
One type that I have learned to pretty quickly recognize is the bucket-list guy. He has never been with a big woman, but wants to give it a go just to see what it's like and get a checkmark on his sexual bucket list. Innocent enough, I suppose, but not sufficiently fulfilling from my perspective for me to be bothered. These guys are often in their twenties and really like the fact that I am an older woman. Perhaps that would allow them to check off two boxes at once.
Much more toxic are the "attracted but ashamed" guys who chat me up on occasion. They are secretly really turned on by fat women, but are so uncomfortable with that fact that they would never dream of being seen in public with one. They are the living embodiment of the old joke, "What do a fat chick and a moped have in common? They're both fun to ride but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one."
On the other end of the spectrum are the men who fetishize large bodies to an extent that is creepy and objectifying. To them, I am not a person as much as an assembly of measurements and body parts. I don't encounter too many of those guys, but when I do I always feel like I need to take a shower after talking to them.
That is not to say that I think there is anything creepy about being attracted to my body type. Far from it. Probably my favourite guys are those who find me really, really physically attractive and have no problem owning that desire. Guys who love my softness. Guys who massage my belly, who grab handfuls of my ass, who bury themselves between my breasts. Guys who can't get enough of every last inch of me. To them, I am a revelation - an ample woman with no body shame who says sure, let's have sex with the lights on.
One such friend tells me that he long ago stopped approaching women he was attracted to in bars. He is a quite a conventionally attractive man, with an extremely muscular build, and his preference is for women of my size or even larger. The most common reaction he would receive was one of anger from women who were so conditioned to believe in their own unattractiveness that they automatically assumed he was making fun of them.
When I began this journey of discovery earlier this year I might have been one of them. It had been many years since I had dated, and although I have been fat my whole adult life, my body now is larger than the one I had when I was last single. I had no idea what to expect on the dating scene.
One of the first men I met after the separation was someone I initially assumed was completely out of my league. He is the absolute whole package -- smart, successful, a hell of a nice guy, not to mention extremely handsome with the gym-perfected body of a Greek god. The kind of guy who can pretty much have his pick of women. To my surprise, he was incredibly into me, and continues to be to this day.
We were lying in bed one night after some of the best sex of either of our lives and I asked him what it was that had attracted him to me in the first place. I knew I wasn't the type he always went for, so I was curious. He just looked at me and shrugged and smiled and said "confidence is sexy." Those words were a touchstone for me.
That friend belongs to the last group of guys, and I would say it is the largest one I encounter. Guys who are openminded to all kinds of sexiness. They don't have a physical "type" and have enjoyed women of a variety of shapes and sizes. To them, my sex appeal has more to do with my spirit of adventure and capacity for joyous abandon than the composition of my body.
I realize that my lifestyle is not for everyone, and I would never try to assert that it should be. I'm sure it won't even be the life for me forever. But at this moment, I am having a great time having exactly the kind of sex I want. And I'm doing it with the body I have right now. Because whatever I look like, I have a right to pursue pleasure without shame. And no matter what anyone else has been telling you, so do you.