Great Fall-Inspired Ways to PUMPKIN Spice Up Your Dating Life

-The Lycanthrope: Don't shave your legs for like three weeks. If Your Man complains, bite him. (Also good for non-Halloween.)

Oct 10, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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My pumpkin girlfriend. Isn't she gourdgeous?

Ah, fall. The leaves are changing, there's a chill in the air, and everyone's in a mad scramble to lock down a sweetheart in order to trade sexual favors in exchange for braving a blizzard to go grab pizza. As ballad-master John Mayer once pointed out, the winter months are pretty saturated with "couples' holidays." Thus, fall is an ideal transitional period for those of us still half-dating our summer flings to start spicing up our relationship for the long haul.

Pumpkin spicing up, if you will.

Some sites have generously provided ideas already, but I often find that, though playing "Sexy Bob for Apples" certainly sounds entertaining, there's a whole cemetery of autumn-inspired dating ideas that have gone unearthed. Here are a few of my favorites to try out:

-Feed The Gremlin: Spend all evening cuddling with Your Man to the sweet sound of The 1975. Just after midnight, eat a single slice of pizza. Destroy his living room.

-Rescue Tam Lin*: Stand at a crossroads, body bared to the light of the full moon, until Your Man rides by in a faerie procession. Pull him off his horse and grasp him to your heaving bosom as he shifts from asp to bear to wolf to back again. Finally, reclaim him as your own.

*May require pregnancy.

-The Stephen King: When Your Man complains of a stomachache, break out the baby names book and brainstorm the appropriate christening for the alien weasel in his intestines.

-The Stephen King II: Dissolve into startled weeping every time you see the white mouse who lives under your stove.

-The Stephen King III: Dress up like a clown and wait for Your Man in a sewer.

-The Folded Sweater: Stand on a corner in the drizzling rain. When Your Man picks you up, shiver pointedly until he offers you his letterman jacket. (If your man does not have a letterman jacket, berate him for not fulfilling masculine high school ideals. Halloween is supposed to be chilling.) ANYWAY, get him to drop you off in front of your local graveyard and then drape the jacket over a gravestone for him to find the next day. GET IT? Because you were DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.

-The Grinning Man: Smile at Your Man all day. Keep smiling. Smile when you think he's not watching. Smile when he thinks you think he's not watching. Men love a lady with a smile.

-Behead Jenny: Tie a ribbon around your neck and refuse to take it off, even when the rest of you is naked. Proceed about your normal business.

-Salem Witch: Follow Your Man around the house. Every time he uses the microwave, turns on his laptop, or messes with his phone, scream "ART THOU A WITCH?" Eventually, dunk him in a pond. Surprise wet T-shirt contest!

-The Seance: Sit, cross-legged and facing your man, with a Ouija Board in between you. Let the spirits in the room guide your fingers to sexy suggestions for each other. B-L-O-W-J-O-9? COME ON!

-Bloody Mary: Maybe I'll let you fill in the blanks on this one. Just be sure Your Man says your name three times, ya dig?

-The Sixth Sense (Haley Joel Osment): Wear red. Talk to walls.

-The Sixth Sense (Bruce Willis): Wear red. When people other than Your Man address you, say, "You -- you can see me?" and let your eyes fill with tears until they edge away.

-The Sweater Girl: Also known as "the reverse striptease" in northern California and parts of upstate New York. Put on your comfiest Lululemon pants and thrift store sweater. Now another. Another! More sweaters! Put on all the sweaters in your house. Now lie down and try to touch each other. The anticipation / vague feeling that you are back in the womb just makes it hotter.

-The LycanthropeDon't shave your legs for like three weeks. If Your Man complains, bite him. (Also good for non-Halloween.)

-Hocus Pocus: Hang Your Man in a cage in your basement (with consent!!). Poke him with a broom once in a while. Maybe sing "I Put A Spell On You," or if you're feeling really ambitious, this creepy-ass Sarah Jessica Parker song.

-Amaze the Maze: Take Your Man to your friendly neighborhood corn maze. Immediately disappear into the stalks. Listen as he calls your name, laughing at first, then a little more panicked. When he turns the corner, follow him, never letting him find you. Wait until the light starts to dwindle. Giggle to yourself, as softly as you can. Wait. Keep waiting. He'll give up eventually.

-Amaze the Maze II, Labyrinth Edition: Same as above, only stick a sock down your tights.

-The Starbucks: Order a pumpkin spice latte with extra pumpkin spice. Light a pumpkin spice candle. Drink a pumpkin beer. Mix it with pumpkin cider. Take a sharpened knife and slice into the hardened skin of a pumpkin. Dig your hands in there. Smear the innards on yourself and Your Man. Order another pumpkin spice latte. Tip the barista in gooey hundred dollar bills. Whisper, "I am your Pumpkin God now" down at your pulpy kitchen floor. You are the alpha and omega. You are the first and the last, the beginning and the end. You, my dark pumpkin lord, are the pumpkin singularity. Go ahead and carve a happy face on that thing.

-The Compost Tango: Just straight-up fuck on a pile of dead leaves. Come on, you know you want to.

Kate is really enjoying Halloween already: @katchatters