I forget how it came up at the meetup (likely guess: because I brought it up or because we were, I don't know, AT BABELAND) but I was telling one of our lovely readers about my special secret recipe for Coming Every Time (CET). I've decided to make these never-repeated-again acronyms a thing. Pretty great, right?
But that was before I got sent a couple vibrators in the mail the other day from a publicist. One is for couples and the guy I'm currently dating I'm playing super hard to get with and have not nor do I plan on having sex with him anytime soon. (Hot tip: Write an article in a popular blog about playing hard to get because it really helps achieve desired objective.)
So I don't know when I'll use the WeVibe, but should it go down (as in, if I ever have sex again), I will be the first journalist on the scene to report, like one of those paparazzi all over the impending arrival of the Royal Baby. This is my Pentagon Papers, people.
But -- here's where the story takes a turn for the orgasmic -- last night as I was tossing and turning, I remembered that I had brought home the vibe for the single lady that same publicist sent, and seeing as how I couldn't fall asleep, I thought, hey! Why not fuck myself to sleep? Like God intended, you know?
So blearily I turned on the lights and found the Thrill I put in my backpack and then laughed out loud at the USB port ("oh hey guys, can you stop exporting photos for work, I really need that port to charge my vibe mkay thanks"). Then I pressed the smiley-face thing and sure enough, very intelligently I will add, the vibe makers had thought far enough ahead to give it a little slap and tickle of a charge for desperate 2 a.m. in the morning use. Then I used it. I kind of slid it around up there (my vagina) in G-spot land back and forth, and golly. I had one of my favorites: The Gigantic Screaming Animal Caught In a Trap Orgasm. Good show, new vibrator, good show!
Hence, my new mathematical equation is Thrill + butt plug = CET.
Also: I ignorantly never knew that women used butt plugs (there has to be a better name, doesn't there? like anal-chutes? behind-friendlies? tushy-tamers?) until some chick I met randomly years ago brought it up. Well, first she talked about how she didn't like skinny snake-like dicks and then she said that the only way she could come was with Le BP. So I went to Babeland and bought one along with some recommended lube and I kind of geared that sucker in there. You gotta sort of gently cycle-maneuver it into your butthole -- like how you would treat a good friend, sensitively but with purpose. And yes indeed, it sure as hell provided a heightened experience, one I had only sporadically before enjoyed from the old wandering-finger-in-the-bottom-during-intercourse trick.
Anyway, that's how I come. LIKE A BOSS.
To provide a little range, here's an awesome video of Emily at the Babeland meetup talking about a few of her favorite toys.
How do you achieve CET? And you can't say penises. We're talking TOYS. Toys, toys, toys, toys, toys.
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.