Every Month Is Anal Sex Month With These Simple TIps

Say it with me: Reluctant anal is bad anal.

Aug 10, 2012 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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I love everything about butt sex. I love having it, talking about it, fantasizing about it. I love, especially, the phrase "butt sex," which delivers a feeling as satisfying as the "Wham Bam Thank you Ma'am" part of "Sufragette City."

Apparently August is anal sex month, which gives me the excuse I didn't even need to share my butt sex tips with you. I'm not an expert or even a sexpert on the topic, and please consult a doctor if you're worried about turning your butt inside out or whatever. All I can offer is my experience with doing butt stuff and what's worked for me.

The most important thing: Anal sex should be intentional. "Oops, I slipped" is not a legitimate way to introduce it into the relationship, even though douchebag guys always try this. And honestly, if you don't want to have anal sex, you shouldn't let anybody pressure you into it. The insides of butts are pretty personal. Letting people put stuff in there should be done enthusiastically or not at all. 

To be honest, I probably started having anal for the wrong reasons, i.e., in my misguided youthful desire to mold myself into some kind of Malibu Sex Fantasy Barbie who would be desired and thus BELOVED by all. Like threesomes with rando girls I wasn't attracted to, it was something I put myself through in the interest of being H-A-W-T and for the illicit thrill of letting guys bulldoze over my boundaries. Don't do this; it's dumb.

As a result, I've had a bunch of experiences with anal sex that range from unsuccessful to downright bad. But here's what I eventually discovered: When it's done right, anal sex doesn't have to be painful AT ALL.

I mean it -- it shouldn't hurt. At least with a dude who's on the reasonable to smallish side. As far as I'm concerned, you get to have a really big dick or you get to have anal sex, but not both. EVERYBODY CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING -- that's why I have flawless skin but my metabolism has the work ethic of Homer Simpson. Take a number with God.

I probably never would have discovered the joy of painless anal if I hadn't gotten down with one of those dudes who is into anal as a sort of lifestyle choice. He was such a b-hound that he knew exactly what he was doing -- I just had to lay back and let him get me turned on, lubed up, stretched out and then pop that sucker in like it was no thing. I think of him as sort of an anal whisperer. Letting a guy like this initiate you into the world of butt sex can be excellent. Just make sure you use a condom, because you know exactly where his dick has been (in a lot of butts).

And while anal doesn't have to hurt, I wouldn't say it feels good in the same way that having your vagina rubbed feels good. A lot of the reasons I love it so much are psychological -- it's dirty, it's taboo, Oh yeah, you're fucking me in the ass baby, that kind of thing.

But to be honest, I kind of feel the same way about vaginal sex. The actual physical sensation ain't all that. If I was having sex purely for sensation, I'd probably just want guys to play with my tits while they tell me how pretty I am the whole time.

OK, here's what has worked for me

USE A LOT OF LUBE

No duh, but you'd be surprised how many guys try to skip this step. SPIT is not good enough. You need lots of lube on you, in you, and all over him before you even think about letting him in the back door.

BE SUPER TURNED-ON

Only attempt anal sex with someone you have great sexual chemistry with, and who you feel comfortable enough to relax around. You definitely want to be worked up to a fever pitch with lots of foreplay before he makes his move. Anal should be executed in the middle of a crazy hot porno fuckfest activity, which is another reason why reluctant anal is bad anal.

Have him start by rimming you or using a finger around and in your b-hole. Rub your clit while he is pushing his way inside. Once he's in there, he should go slow, but actually pushing past your sphincter, in my experience, is best done quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid. Getting it in should feel like a little POP. It may be slightly uncomfortable but just for a second, like getting your ears pierced.

Speaking of which, have you ever had that awkward moment when a guy thinks he put it in your B but it's actually in your V and he's pumping away and sexy-talking about doing it to your butt and you have to correct him? I obviously have.

ASSUME THE POSITION

This is probably the most important thing I have to tell you. I think the amateur impulse is to try anal from the behind, in a doggystyle position. That is not a good starter position! It's hard to be relaxed when you're up on all fours, and the angle can be painful. Do it on your back, with your legs up. It's missionary position, but you just raise your hips a little higher and let him slide in that way. A spooning position is nice too.

A WORD ON POOP

Anal sex is rarely messy. Your bowels are generally empty until you're ready to go. That said, if your partner is completely uncomfortable with the possibility of poop, anal sex is maybe not for him. After all, it's not like he's fucking you in the ear and there's poop in it. It's a butt. It's where poop lives. He's the one who's out of place. It's like going to the zoo and then being surprised to see some animals.

You don't have to give yourself an enema before anal. Just check yourself out by sticking a toilet-paper covered finger up there. If nothing comes out, you're good to go. If something does, say "Not tonight, honey." And dudes, please don't make us explain why. Just trust that if we're warning you away from our butts, it's for your own good. And if the worst does happen, be a gentleman and discreetly excuse yourself to wash up, then come back and eff the bejesus out of us.

This kind of stuff is super embarrassing for women but so whatevs to gay guys -- my friend tells me they'll just be like, "Are you clean?" And then the other guy will be like, "I don't know let me check." No biggie.

Are these tips too basic for you sluts? Have you tried anal and liked it? Hated it? What lame shit have you done to seem sexy to men? You can ask me more stuff in the comments if I haven't explained well enough.

Follow me and my butt on Twitter @msemilymccombs.