Do you ever unwittingly fart as you're falling asleep? Me neither, except when a guy is spooning me for the first time.
Over the years, it has become apparent to me that I've been cursed to sporadically pass gas as I'm falling asleep during introductory sleepovers with a guy. Last night, sleeping alone, I didn't fart as I drifted off in my own bed; but almost every time I've slept over at a guy's place for the first time in the last few years, it happens without fail. It's as if my body is saying, "Well, you don't snore, so we're going to make other embarrassing sounds. Potentially smelly sounds."
Luckily, they're never actually, like, gross farts. They're cute little lady puffs. (Best cereal name ever?) But every time, in the hyperawareness that I always have sleeping next to someone for the first time, it wakes me up, and I assume it doesn't go unnoticed by the guy. Sometimes, after it happens, I'll try recreating the sound by dragging my toes or fingers against the bed linens in hopes of fooling his drowsy mind into thinking it was just shifting-around sounds. Other times, I just play dead and pray he thinks it was him.
I blamed my waist-cincher for some recent sleep-farting, but that really just exacerbated a preexisting condition -- one that I wish would stop, but one I also don't feel so terrible about after asking other xoJane regulars about some of the embarrassing things they've done during first-time sleepovers.
I threw up on his dick. I was really drunk and blowing him and... well, things happened and because I am terrible, I kept going (he was also drunk, didn't notice) and cleaned up later.
We got a written complaint from the neighbors for fucking too loud.
And on a separate occasion...
I looked at his Ambien prescription bottle and said, "Do you have herpes?" Soon after, I requested he send me flowers. I was drunk. And he did. We dated for quite a while.
I remember getting off with this guy I really fancied. I'd gotten myself some food after the pub and after snogging for a bit he pulled away and looked at me disgusted and said, "You taste like a kebab."
I wet the bed after drinking. My boyfriend at the time was nice enough to say, "I can't really prove it was you. I could have peed on your underwear."
One night, I slept at my boyfriend's frat house. Naturally, I was naked and hungover, and I crawled down from his stupid loft bed to use the disgusting frat bathroom across the hall. As I desperately looked for my clothes, bouncing around, trying to keep last night's beer in my bladder, I ended up grabbing his roommate's T-shirt a little too late, and pissed all over his floor LIKE A FUCKING RACEHORSE. And I know that's a cliche, but I've seen a horse piss before, and it was seriously that quick and huge of a stream.
So I was living in LA and dating this guy that had a straight identical twin, and they lived together. This one night, we went out and got all hammered, and then went back and crashed at his place. I got up in the middle of the night to pee, and when I went to go back to bed, I went to the wrong room and got into his brother's bed, naked. Their doors were right next to each other, it was dark, and I was wasted. The brother wasn't in his bed when I climbed in, which I didn't notice. I thought I was back in the right place, safe and sound. An hour later, I hear some confused grunting. Then the light flips on and I hear "OH MY GOD" and I'm like "What's wrong, babe?" only to realize, whoops, wrong twin! So I, like, wastedly try to apologize and scurry back to the room, yanking the comforter off me. He yells "TAKE THE BLANKET, JUST TAKE THE BLANKET" as I ran back to the right room and the right twin.
How he did not dump me after that, I am not sure.
Last spring, I was making out with a guy, and right as we both got nekkid, there was a terrible smell. I was like, "Jesus, did Monkey fart?" Which would have been weird because, oddly, he doesn't do that. I turned on the light and no, Monkey had not farted, but he HAD just deposited an enormous amount of St. Bernard poop onto the floor. Like an ENORMOUS amount. And this was literally five minutes after I'd taken him out, so it was clearly his way of letting me know he did not like that a boy was sleeping over. I cleaned it up -- totally naked, as one does -- but amazingly, the guy still wanted to keep going. At 6 a.m. the next morning, I woke up to the guy yelling, "Monkey! No!" Monkey was staring right at him and peeing on the floor.
Getting a dog is the best. You should all do it if you haven't already.
So, the takeaway from this is that I fart more than Daisy's St. Bernard. Cool.
Ease my mind, won't you? Tell me about some of the embarrassing things that you've done during a first-time sleepover.