“Hello, it's me, I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet.”
Adele? No, that’s me talking to my vagina. Or more specifically my Kegel muscles.
I had made a 2015 New Year's resolution (something I normally never do) to whip my vagina into shape. After all, they say working out your Kegel muscles can create stronger orgasms, aid in childbirth, improve core muscles, and help to prevent a prolapsed uterus.
I was too damn lazy to figure out how to actually do Kegels properly so I figured stuffing a weighted Lelo Luna ball in there would do the trick. But like most things in which I see no results (learning to swim, skiing, singing) I gave up.
Still, I remained concerned. So when I was invited to an event to try out the Elvie, advertised as "the Fitbit for your vagina," I jumped at the chance.
Elvie is an egg-shaped gadget (in a lovely pistachio color I might add) that connects to an app on your smartphone via Bluetooth. After inserting Elvie in your vagina, you let the app guide you through a series of exercises designed to test your Kegel strength. To charge the device, you simply put it back in its container and plug the USB in.
Look how cute she is.
We started off with a series of core exercises in an attempt to get in touch with our Kegel muscles. Unfortunately as I wearing jeans, all I could think about was when it would be over. Nothing like working your core and Kegels when you've got a pair of tight high-waisted jeans.
Fast forward to the end where we all left with our very own Elvie to try. And much like the first time a BF gave me a vibrator, I was eager to go home and test it out.
The next day, after she was fully charged, I put Elvie in for my first ever high-tech vagina workout. You can do the exercises standing up or lying down, but I figured standing up would be harder because of gravity. And there’s really no need to stack the deck against myself right off the bat.
The first game had me hold the “ball” above a line while the second had me try to knock targets with the ball. It was an exciting experience. Like learning to ride a bike for the first time. FINALLY I had properly figured out where my Kegel muscles were and how to work them out.
Having something to squeeze against helped, sort of like how weights help me work out my triceps. On my first try I scored an 85 percent on Lift, 4/5 on Pulse and 5.6 on LVs which is my overall pelvic strength. I knew I could do better. The equivalent of a B or C grade was not acceptable.
As I looked at my personal scoreboard, I was started to wonder, how do my friends’ vaginas stack up? I imagined instead of going to the local skeeball bar, we would all try to out-Kegel each other with Elvies. Unfortunately, they haven’t designed a competition element to the app yet (and as of now, none of my friends have Elvies) so my fantasy was just that.
On day 2, I eagerly used Elvie again, hoping to beat my scores. But much to my chagrin, my scores went down. WHAT IS HAPPPENING?! I screamed to no one in particular. Were my Kegels tired from the day before? I felt angry and ashamed.
Maybe I had to work out alternate days like I did my muscles at the gym? Enacting this new plan of action, my vagina did better in the coming days. After a week, my individual scores began to matter less to me than the fact that I was finally actually exercising my Kegels, an activity I had put off along with plastering the holes in my wall and hemming my pants.
Thus far I haven’t noticed any stronger orgasms, but I am happy to report that I can now do jumping jacks without feeling like I have to pee. Best of all, I feel like I have a whole new relationship with my vagina. We’ve been reintroduced. And it’s beautiful.