Don't Let Hollywood Tell You How to Have a Threesome

Choosing your threesome partners wisely is of the utmost importance.
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Publish date:
December 2, 2011
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Tags:
movies, threesomes, threeways, menage a trois, wild things

Like any girl who's suffered the pain of single-sex education, had an absentee father, traveled in Europe on her parents' dime, or gets horny drunk on holidays, I've long been an avid supporter of threesomes.While the threesome can be a beautiful, uncomplicated experience between two people who love each other very much and one from Craigslist, or three strangers at a white party, Hollywood seems to be intent on disseminating the hideous lie that threesomes aren't superhot get-down times that result in great stories to tell at parties. Movies would have you believe that all threeways end in breakups, death, an ambivalent attitude toward one of Spain's finer cities, and the theft of your speedboat.One of the best examples of show business' aversion to threesomes, particularly those of the MMF variety, comes courtesy of Alfonso Cuaron's "Y Tu Mama Tambien." In the film, two teenagers hang out with a soon-to-be divorced woman, get her to sex them in a variety of cars and motels, go swimming at a really nice beach, and eventually all bone down together.

For normals, this would just end with "I'll never forget that summer" and a shot of the two boys clinking Coronas on that same beach 10 years later as a hot pink sunset spreads dreamily over the horizon. But no, a lady got DPed, so she obviously has to die. The moral of the story ends up being: If you sex your friends, you'll kill both your friendship and the chick you porked.Much like the perfect wedding or Bar Mitzvah, there's a lot of planning that goes into having an awesome three-way -- you should plan ahead for where everyone's sitting and who's eating what these days. And this is where taking cues from the porno playbook comes in handy -- Vivid doesn't make a whole lot of videos with a guy and a girl getting down and a third dude texting at the end of the bed.This is yet another reason why it's important to understand your role in the situation before you buy your ticket for the Pound-Town Express. Take the hot polyamory in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" -- everyone's speaking Spanish, painting, taking photographs, and drinking a lot of wine. But what dear Scarlett Johansson forgets is that Javier and Penelope have a past, and despite her boobs and whiskey-for-breakfast voice, she's not always going to be the star of the show.

Choosing your threesome partners wisely is of the utmost importance. (If you're the third member of an ongoing threesome with a couple, you're probably not going to get any of the flowers, jewelry, and makeup sex that you get when you're part of a twosome.) And sometimes Rebecca Hall will get shot for virtually no reason, and that's just a shame.This leads me to a very important point on being clear what your assumptions are. Here are some things you probably will get from a threesome: finger-blasted, banged and good view of one or two peoples' taints. What you probably won't get are: money (unless you're a prostitute, and hey, that works for some people), girlfriend-like treatment, or a "True Life" special (they've already done that one.)

Just ask Sam, Suzie, and Kelly from "Wild Things." They thought it would all be sexy fun times packed with rape accusations, extortion and Denise Richards' boobs, but it turned into a nasty ordeal full of police corruption, pulled teeth and boating. Oh, and lots of death.And last, but not least, there's Matthew, Isabel, and Theo in "The Dreamers." Who could resist the promise of great company and a beautiful Parisian apartment during an exhilarating time of social turmoil? Not Michael Pitt's pasty American ass, that's for sure! This film teaches potential menage a trois participants the most valuable lesson of all when it comes to making time with multiple partners: Never, under any circumstances have sex with your twin and your houseguest, no matter how much you all enjoyed "Freaks."