Open Thread: What Are Your Arbitrary Online Dating and "Dealbreaker" Rules?

If you do not use spaces in between commas, we are not having sex.

Jun 6, 2013 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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I probably wouldn't date me. Look at this obnoxious fucking selfie.

So Olivia wrote about arbitrary fashion rules, and I felt it was my civic duty to step up here and write about my favorite topic of discussion: sex and dating.

I've recently ventured back into the always inspiring world of Match.com where if half the guys are anything like me, they cut and paste and send the same message to multiple folks.

But I've found myself having my own very specific reasons for not giving someone the time of day.

1. They write like this: "I like sports,cooking,time with friends, family." While whoever wrote this is in fact probably smarter than I am as I don't believe grammar equates to intelligence, I just can't do it. It hurts my brain.

2. All of their pictures are of with cropped-out or blurred ladies. Seriously? You wouldn't have even a second thought about why this isn't a good idea? What else might you not consider a bad idea? Sleeping with my best friend?

3. You write me some horseshit like, "I joined Match.com specifically to write you." No you didn't. But it's a great line. Try it on someone less savvy.

4. You're in your 40s or 50s and only looking to date someone far below your age range. Blergh. Nope.

5. All of your pictures are selfies. Seriously -- not one friend?

6. In your picture, you are holding a dog or a baby as if you are sacrificing it to the dating gods. I don't like it in real life either. Like on "The Bachelorette" when the son was the cuteness prop.

7. You write to me as if we are old lovers and already know one another intimately. "Hey baby, you look so hot, I can't even concentrate thinking about you." Try a cold shower. And some other chick.

8. You seem like you are looking for a wet-nurse or therapist. "Been a hard couple of years and just trying to get on the dating horse again. LOL what a few years it's been." OK, first the LOL has to go unless you are a Japanese schoolgirl. And secondly, I'm depressed all the fucking time, but at least I know enough to pretend. Show me your game face, buddy!

9. You only have one picture. I've been on a date with a guy who only had one picture before. It turned out it was taken 20 years earlier. That was that guy's One Picture.

10. You try way too hard to make me laugh. Or you have a "funny" profile and say a lot of things like that you love: laughing, to laugh, laughter and making other people laugh. Chances are: Nope. Sorry.

What are your arbitrary online dating no-no's? I showed you mine. Come on, now!

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