Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
Sometimes I get asked to talk on HuffPost Live which is cool because it's fun to talk on the Internet on a webcam via Google Hangout while I rest my computer on empty cardboard boxes to get that perfect webcam angle on.
Today, we are talking about this Salon article on makeup and breakup sex. It's written in this pretty stilted and academic way for such a sexxxxy topic. But that's neither here nor there. Mostly, I have to disagree with the article that these two kinds of sex -- makeup and breakup sex -- are really all that interesting or exciting in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, when I was younger I was all about the make-up sex. But then after like the hundredth time doing it with my ex during a 10-year relationship, I finally realized: Oh wait, this actually doesn't solve anything and is kind of becoming less hot and just annoying. Like flowers after someone keeps throwing water in your face. Eventually you realize: "Wait we're not re-creating some super sexed up scene from '9 1/2 Weeks,' we're just in a crappy cycle."
By the way, "9 1/2 Weeks"? Not overrated. At all. Especially that corny show-off dance. That definitely plays on a porn loop in my head as a go-to scene. Very classically erotic. (And that comes from someone who hates rocker rock ampersand roll Hawaiian shirt good times on the grill dudebro Joe Cocker music.)
Here's what I would like to scientifically posit.
Instead of needing the rush of that fake tug-and-pull chemistry that comes from reconciliation sex, why not bring that intensity to just regular old everyday sex? If Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke before all that plastic surgery in "9 1/2 Weeks" can make strawberries and whipped cream into one of the most iconic sex scenes of all time, can't we manager to muster some of the pomp and circumstance and erotic TENSION of makeup/breakup sex for just regular old it's a Wednesday in March nookie time?
The Salon article -- which it looks like originated in Psychology Today so the Awkward Dr. Sexypants McGee tone makes more sense -- focuses on one main reason these types of sex can be so good when they are good: the high arousal state from the fight itself being transferred over to the lovemaking itself. (And Pee Wee Herman secret word of the day props to me for saying "lovemaking," right?)
Honestly, though, just as you can summon different states of energy for any time of your life (as lame as it is, "fake it until you make it" and "act as if" really do work when you need them to), you can do the same thing for sex. Why do you think people love roleplaying so much? Because it allows you to summon up all those various energy states for different kinds of sex that you have. I'm an angry airline pilot! I'm a forest nymph foraging for berries! I'm a NAUGHTY HACKNEYED CARICATURE NURSE.
Boom, you've managed to summon up all the associations -- good and bad -- and the exhilaration that comes from these various roles by offering something that is different. That's all any super good sex is, really. It's different. It's not vanilla again and again. It's Rocky Road. Even when it's the most loving, tender, touch the essence of God type LOVEMAKING, it's still simply different. It's not the status quo.
So maybe instead of glorifying the catchy (and rhyming!) terms of breakup and makeup sex, why don't folks just start advocating more for fun Transferred Arousal State sex. Imagine conversations like this sweeping all across the nation!
"I need something to spice this relationship up."
"What about the hot makeup sex that comes from a fight?"
"But I don't want to fight!"
"Well, guess what, you're in luck. All you need to do is get in on the hot new sexy sex trend that is sweeping the nation since I read about it in xoJane. It's called Transferred Arousal State sex, and everyone's doing it!"
"Why that sounds absolutely perfect. I'm so glad we could have this imagined chat. I'm off to go bone my S.O.!"
Pretty cool, right?
So -- do you have any good makeup or breakup sex stories? I think the only really good story I have is when I straddled a boyfriend and told him he could have sex with me but only if he proposed. SO THAT WORKED OUT.
(It didn't work out.)
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.