Lately here at xoJane HQ, we've been getting a lot of press releases on the subject of "engagement season." I guess a lot of people propose around the holidays? Is this like one of those Christmas birthday things where you get half the presents for two occasions? Because if I just got engaged, I would not be cool with sharing the attention with Jesus.
By no means am I a love-hater or even an institution-of-marriage hater. I like being engaged, maybe more than I like the thought of actually getting married. It's fun!
I think weddings are fun, too. You get to dance, and eat so much free food you have to shove your Spanx in your purse, and sometimes have casual sex. Sure, there's stuff that's sexist about getting engaged and married, but you know what else is kind of sexist? Like, everything. Not gonna stop me from eating cake in my good dress.
Because I was baked in the society's sexist oven, some subterranean part of my lizard brain felt that someone wanting to marry me would validate me in some undefined way. As a result, I really wanted to get engaged for a long time before we did, and I got increasingly frustrated. While I was still drinking, especially, I would act super crazy about this. I sometimes found myself on one of those runaway trains of terrible like when you have PMS and you know your feelings are irrational, but godamnit you just can't stop YELLING ABOUT THEM.
So what I'm saying is, I get it when ladies want to be married. Even, like, real bad and in sort of unseemly ways. I'm never going to be like, "You ladies should be ASHAMED of yourselves for believing the messages you're bombarded with every day of your lives!" But even I read the email I'm about to share with you and was like YO, PRESS RELEASE, BE COOL.
We all want the “happily ever after,” but what if he’s not proposing? Or what if you have discussed marriage, but you’re not sure he knows your dream ring is an cushion-cut, yellow diamond center stone, with two white diamond round-cut side stones, all in a micro pave, white gold setting? [REDACTED], premiere custom jeweler, knows all the tricks for how to tip off an aloof dude.
·Bring up engaged or married friends
·Place ring advertisements around the house or on the computer
·Make comments about rings you see in movies, on TV or in magazines
·Ask his opinion
·Talk about your “dream wedding” subtly
Hahahahhahah. I would love to see you "subtly bring up your dream wedding." All these great ideas got me thinking about more batshit crazy stuff you could do to ensnare your man into spending the rest of his life with you.
1. Sit on the couch shivering and chattering your teeth for several minutes, then bring it home by complaining that your ring finger is sooooooo cold.
2. Threaten to fuck like 50 other people if he doesn't propose by end of day Friday. Alternately, threaten to kill a beloved pet.
3. Fake your own murder to remind him how much he really loves you. When he finds out you're alive, he''ll be so relieved he'll definitely want to lock it down.
4. Tell him you're not going to sleep with him until marriage. Hope he forgets the million times you've already boned.
5. Don a bridal dress and veil, wait for a rainy night, and then stand beneath his window bellowing "WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF MY LOVE?" Bonus points if he lives on a desolate English moor. -- Rebecca Jane Stokes
6. Make that "engagement chicken," then serve it at a dinner party and see if it instigates an orgy. -- Julieanne
7. Construct a papier-mache ring made from premarital spunk and old bedsheets to hang over your would-be nuptial bed. Or something. I am not great at subtle. --Kate Conway
8. Set up a fake Gmail account pretending to be a long-lost friend from elementary school. IM him in a different style than your usual impeccable grammar. Gain his trust. Eventually ask if he's thinking about marriage, and then say I THINK U SHOULD RLY ASK HER RITE NOW (this is also how someone I know got her crush to ask her out when they were 14, except it was AIM) . -- Kate
9. Take a Nativity scene and paste your faces on Mary and Joseph. Transform it into a wedding diorama and leave under tree. Bonus points if the baby Jesus officiates. -- Kate
10. Get your cable company to lock every channel but Bravo. Every time one of those "Crazy Bride" shows come on, turn to him and say, "I'll never be like that." -- Kate
11. Passive-aggressive skywriting. -- Kate
12. Tell him that someone else really wants to marry you but he's your first choice. If he doesn't ask soon, though, you will run off with Lenny, the checkout guy at Pathmark. -- Corynne
13. Get Julie Andrews to show up suddenly and pronounce you princess of a fictional European principality. Who wants to marry who now? -- Julieanne