One of the best parts about being on the “xoJane Editors” email list is the amazing pitches we get from PR companies. Everything from cool new apps to the latest beauty advice to my recent personal favorite: “Nine Men to Bed Before You Wed.”
WhatsYourPrice.com, an auction-dating website (I don’t even know what that means), did a super official dating study in order to figure out exactly which types we all need to bang before we tie the knot and are forever stuck with the same guy night in and night out.
Of course, I love science and research, so I immediately tried to figure out which of the types I’d gotten down and dirty with because, heaven forbid I don’t check them all off before someone decides to put a ring on it. The problem was, the definitions felt vague. Sure, everyone should do “The Older Man,” but what makes a man “older?” And if he’s a “Foreigner” AND a “Bad Boy” does that count? Is doubling-up allowed? What about tripling up?
These are tough questions, but don’t fret my friends. Because I am hear to answer them for you.
So with no further ado:
“The Nine Men to Bed Before You Wed” – according to a random website AND “Daisy’s Qualifications for an Accurate Count”
1. The Bad Boy
OK. This is a given. Every girl needs to hook up with a “Bad Boy.” I mean, for most of us, it’s one of the first guys we hook up with, right? But what constitutes a “Bad Boy?” Does he have to wear a leather jacket? Ride a motorcycle? Have a scar on his eyebrow? (Why am I describing Dylan McKay?)
Personally, I’m going with “Has come close to being or has been arrested.”
Daisy: CHECK. I mean, I’ve got a felon in my dating history. Done and Done.
2. The Older Man
This one’s tough because I think age difference lessens as we get older, if that makes any sense. Like a 20-year-old banging a 40-year-old is newsworthy. A 40-year-old banging a 50-year-old, not so much. However, for the purpose of science, we will break this into two categories. If you’re “young,” then 10 years older counts as older, but if you’re “older,” then he’s got to be at least 17 years older. This is based on facts and stats and lots of math.
Daisy: CHECK. A 43-year-old when I was 26. He acted really young though. In every way you're thinking.
3. The Foreigner
I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. A foreigner is someone who is not from your country. However, I did need clarification if Canadians count for Americans. The general consensus was yes, but that it was weak. Still…
Daisy: CHECK. I’m sorry it was just with a Canadian. I will work harder in the future.
4. The Wealthy Man
Wealth is relative, but I think in order to cross this guy off your list, he has to be, like, really wealthy. Like second home, personal chefs, a savings account that most of us can’t fathom, etc. My friend tried to claim one of her dudes as “wealthy,” but even though he has a decent amount of money, I had to veto it because he lives with roommates.
Daisy: Does it count if we dated in high school? I think "no."
5. The Athlete
Who knew THIS was the category that would cause the most contention? Some people felt that if he was any kind of athlete in college that counted. I felt that was too general and might end up including things like fencing, so I narrowed it down to: Played professionally or Division 1 in college.
Daisy: CHECK. Olympian, for the record.
6. A Man in Uniform
Pretty simple. This guy has to work in a profession with a recognizable uniform that tells others exactly what he does. So, like, a waiter doesn’t count, but military, police officer, fire fighter, and UPS guy all do.
Daisy: Nope. But if any fire fighters are game, I’m down to slide down their pole, if you know what I mean. Which, as always, you do.
7. The Nice Guy
Daisy: CHECK. More than one. But I always got bored. Mature Daisy would love to meet one though. (That's me doing "The Secret.")
8. The Pretty Boy
Again, this one comes down to taste. My idea of a pretty boy is Damon on “The Vampire Diaries” (also counts as a bad boy since, you know, he’s a murdering vampire) or Jared Leto in “My So-Called Life.” But yours might be different and that’s OK.
Daisy: CHECK. This story is too good to share. We were sitting in a hot tub after snowboarding and The Pretty Boy looked at me for a while and said, “Wow. You have really pretty eyes… They look just like mine.” Nonetheless, I still got nekkid with him. What? He was pretty!
9. A Younger Man
Again, this is a tough one, but the final consensus is “Couldn’t have gone to high school together.” So 5+ years or younger. I think this one needs a little work though.
Daisy: CHECK. But barely.
7/9 OR 6/9 if we don’t count The Canadian. Not too shabby. Now I just need to find myself a wealthy foreign man in uniform and I’ll be all set to settle down!
Also: Doubling-up does count. Tripling-up is pushing it. If he was all four, I'm sorry, that's impossible and you need to count again.
OK. I showed mine now you show yours. How many on the list have you crossed off and do you think my criteria are too rigid?