I think it's time to retire 69. I'm going to pass around a card for all of us to sign, buy a sheet cake from Costco, and then we'll all meet in the conference room on the fourth floor at 4 p.m. on Thursday for 69's surprise retirement party. Please RSVP as soon as possible.
I remember the first time I heard about 69. I was in health class in the seventh grade and our teacher gave all of us the opportunity to write whatever questions about sex or our bodies down on a white slip of paper, fold it up, pass it in, and then she would read them out loud and answer them. I never participated in this kind of activity, mostly because even though she guaranteed anonymity, I was too paranoid that the teacher would shout in front of the class, "THIS LOOKS LIKE DANA'S HANDWRITING," and mostly because in the seventh grade I was too busy thinking about Devon Sawa at the end of Casper to really be paying any attention in any of my classes.
But one day, we did the paper slip thing, and after the usual kind of dumb questions seventh graders ask about sex — like "Can she get pregnant if she swallows?" and "Is what's coming out of my dick cinnamon roll icing?" — someone asked "What is 69?"
And our dear health teacher told us exactly what it was. At 13, my teenaged mind reeled: Oral sex for both partners at the same time? That sounds pretty ideal! When I start having sex, that's all I'm gonna do! Why were other sex positions even invented? Wouldn't you just want to do that one all day?
Boy, was I wrong. Oh, that sweet, innocent 13-year-old Dana. She needed to buckle up the velcro on her S Club 7 sneakers because she had no idea what she was in for.
As an adult, I figured out why straight people don't rave about 69 all the time. And that's because there are only three ways to get into this position when you're a woman sleeping with a person with a penis. Lying on your side is kinda an option, but barely. If you have a vagina, you have to keep your legs wiiiiide, which forces you to put them into a diamond shape, which is really hard to maintain without rolling backwards. Only spider-monkey ladies can fuck in this position. The real positions are:
- Girl on top. The reliable standard.
- Girl on bottom. NEVER do this. You will asphyxiate and die. And then your grandma finds your body and is like I THOUGHT SHE WAS A SWEET GIRL and then the local news gets involved and it's this whole thing.
- Guy lying down propped up on pillows, girl on all fours as she backs her ass directly into the dude's face in slow motion like a mack truck. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP (This is literally the most vulnerable you'll ever feel.)
Firstly, please note that none of these positions are really all that comfortable. Secondly, each person has to service the other person upside down, which is essentially like David Blaine solving a Rubik's cube while being lowered into a water tank by his ankles (which I'm sure he can do, but still). Giving good oral is enough of a feat as it is when the anatomy is right-side up. Now the clitoris is at the bottom, which is a weird position. Not ideal when the sweet spot is the upper left-hand corner when looking at it head-on (her left, your right). And the frenulum — the spot on the underside of the cock, right under the head, which is essentially the clit of the penis — can't be stimulated with a tongue because it's now hitting the roof of the mouth.
Another reason why it's the worst is that you really can't communicate with your partner (which is key to good sex in general) because you have a mouthful of each other's junk. "Faster," "slower," "wetter" all sound like ASRGJIBITY BLARFINFACEN HURRRRRR GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE.
Lastly, let's say your partner does enough upside-down David Blaine clit magic to actually get you off while you're giving a beej. I don't know about you, but my brain literally shuts down and I can't concentrate enough to continue. The moment I start getting off, I can't focus on the task at hand and totally leave my partner hanging. Trying to blow someone while orgasming is like trying to take the SATs with a pencil covered in bees. And so then I'm orgasming and shouting I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY when I should be shouting other things, am I right?
The best description of 69 I've ever heard is from a friend who wishes to remain anonymous: "It's like working when you're on vacation." I think it's the perfect way to explain my dislike for it. Whenever it's suggested, I tell my partner I will literally do anything else, including his taxes. I have absolutely no background in finance, but I will buy a book on how to do taxes, study it and then successfully do my partner's taxes next year to get out of 69ing.
So let's retire it. It had a good run, it really did. Because, in the end, when it comes to oral, I just wanna take turns. That way we can focus on each other. I am more than down for that.