5 Pretty Effed-Up But Real Things I Actually Fantasize About

I'm trying to remember what women did back before "50 Shades of Grey" taught us how to fantasize.

Nov 6, 2012 at 3:08pm | Leave a comment

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I never fantasize about this.

I'm trying to remember what women did back before "50 Shades of Grey" taught us how to fantasize. Just blankly fiddled with our clits while gazing at the white ceilings of our own empty minds, I guess. Or so I gather from this piece about how more women are harnessing the POWER OF FANTASY (say it in a really booming voice) in a post-Grey world.

Luckily, now that we've learned how to do it, we're really getting into it! Here are the top 5 female fantasies according to neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam: having sex with a stranger (sure), being worshipped in bed (sounds kind of creepy), being ravaged in bed (whatever that means), being watched by others (eh) and enjoying a threesome (which kind?).

The piece goes on to note that women tend to fantasize about being objects of desire, that is, we are more likely to fantasize about what we'd like a man to do to us. Which isn't particularly surprising considering women are socialized from the first hint of pubescence to think of themselves as sexual objects. (Or earlier! When it comes to sick-ass fantasies, baby, I was born this way.)

And look, sexual objectification when you're just trying to go about your daily business sucks. But sexual objectification in the bedroom? Can be sexy, for men and women. 

The real problem is that most of the women I know would give the above list the heavy side-eye: What does being "ravished" or "worshipped" in bed even mean? You know that shit was multiple-choice, because I don't believe any human person came up with that language to describe their own sexuality. 

Here's where my mind really goes during clitoral stimulation. Obligatory disclaimer: These are FANTASIES, which are the opposite of REALITY. There is stuff on this list that I wouldn't want to happen to me or another person in real life, but the fantasy gets me hot when played out between two consenting adults -- or just to think about so get out of my sexbrain, MIND POLICE.

1. Red-Hot Two Girl Show

I am a stripper working the champagne room with another girl, and a pushy client has talked us into going further than the rules allow. He persuades us to fool around with each other, specifically telling me where to put my mouth and hands on her and vice versa. Eventually he selects me to actually perform sex acts on him while he watches the other girl dance and masturbate. In an alternate version of this fantasy, I am a massage girl being convinced to turn my first trick. Sometimes I just imagine being a hooker, but there's something extra sexy about being a "reluctant hooker."

2. Teenage Runaway

I'm all alone in a big city and I just need a place to stay. Thank God for this nice man who offered me dinner and a warm place on his couch! But wait, I'm barely settled in before I feel a stray hand creeping up my shirt. Looks like he expects "payment" after all...

3. My Best Friend's Dad

I go over to visit my best friend after school but she's not home. Luckily, her dad doesn't mind if I settle in to wait for her. Our conversation turns sexual, and soon he's asking me personal questions like how far I go with my boyfriends. Soon, he's requesting a personal demonstration. "I always knew you were a little slut," he says, while he bends me over on the living room couch.

4. Drunk at a Party

I had too much to drunk and passed out in a stray bedroom at a wild party. I hear the door creak open in the dark and someone climbs into bed with me. Groggy and confused, I barely resist when he starts to pull my clothes off. By the time I'm finally aware of what happening, he easily holds me down and put his hand over my mouth while he finishes having his way with me. (Yes, this is a rape fantasy. See above re: fantasy vs. reality.)

5. Poker Night Entertainment

This is my old standby for when I just want to go ahead and get 'er done already. I am wearing a skimpy little outfit and serving drinks and snacks to a group of men at their weekly poker night. They start to get a little handsy, groping a breast as I open a beer, smacking my ass on the way back to the kitchen. Eventually I start to get included in the bets -- somebody wins a sexual act performed by me and the others watch during. It all eventually escalates into a full-scale gang bang. POKER!

So that's the real unvarnished truth about what gets me off. Yours don't have to be edgy or creepy like mine. I really want to know what you're thinking about out there, ESPECIALLY if you're fantasizing about like, loving sex with a partner. Are you out there? We are way more interesting than that dumb list.