Truthfully, the only reason I write a Father's Day article every year is to remind myself that it exists. If I cover all of these men's products, then surely I'll have to actually get my dad one of them and then I won't completely blow off the holiday, right? Not that I'd ever do such a thing. Birthdays are what I forget.
A few weeks ago, my dad emailed me and said "I have a bunch of good ideas for your Father's Day article this year." And I was all "Wait, who's the one writing this article?" If any man is gonna steal my thunder on xoJane, it's certainly not going to be my own father. By the way, speaking of men stealing my thunder, Dan is helping me out with this one. [Dan's Note: I thought this was a collab, you takeover queen!]
What's even more insulting, my dad actually had some good ideas. I know, I couldn't believe it either. I thought about deleting his email altogether and pretending I hadn't seen it, but then I realized he was probably just using this as a Christmas List of sorts, which took a lot of the pressure off of me since he's impossible to buy for.
I only used one of his ideas because I can't give him an ego bigger than my own, in my own article, but here it is:
Leatherman Tread, $220.
What is it? It's a stainless steel bracelet where every link contains multiple tools, 29 in all. There are Allen wrenches, screwdrivers, and box wrenches! Now, I don't know what any of those are, but I do know that this bracelet has all of them.
The day I turned thirteen, my dad was putting something together, probably a vanity for me. He took me down in our basement and tried to have this dad moment where he taught me what the difference between an Allen wrench and a Phillips head screwdriver.
I should have stopped him right there and been like, "Listen girl, I appreciate what you're trying to do here but you and I both know that in ten years, this is the type of shit that I'll be paying people to do for me." Sometimes things like that are just left better to the people who actually know what they're doing. Every time I move into a new place, I troll Craigslist for people who can assemble things for me. I know what you're thinking, what if one of those creepy Craigslist guys comes over and kills you? That would be terrible! But it'd still be better than building something myself.
I'm kidding. I build things! I put my bed together with no directions! But I'd probably build more things if I had a cute bracelet like this to do it with.
Speaking of having no direction, this article.
So we're clear, this beard oil is scented like an old fashioned, the classic cocktail, it's not just "old fashioned" as in your grandpa used to use it.
This one jumped out at me because I live in Madison, Wisconsin, and the old fashioned is a very Wisconsin cocktail, so I thought a beard oil fashioned to smell like one would be an appropriate addition to this belligerent roundup. I was going to whip up an old fashioned at the bar I work at and photograph this beard oil next to it, but then I remembered than there is nothing I want to do less than make an old fashioned, ever, so just use your imagination.
The men in your life, whether they're your boyfriend, husband, or father, are probably not using a beard oil but they definitely should be. Why? Because they condition both the beard hair and the skin below it. Nothing is worse than a dry, scraggly beard. I would know. I have one.
The oil is a mix of jojoba, sweet almond, grape seed, and hemp seed oils so soften and add shine to that nasty beard of his. The fragrance is amazing, too. It really does smell like muddled orange rind and maraschinos, ginger, cinnamon, and brandy, and you don't even have to go through the trouble of making it for some asshole who's too drunk to taste it!
Dollar Shave Club has been slowly building themselves up from just a razor company to a full men's grooming brand, complete with shaving cream, aftershave, moisturizers, hand creams, great hair products, and now cleansers! They are quality, straightforward products and nothing in the collection is over $10. They make great gifts, but the real gift is turning your dad, or whoever, onto a company that they're going to go back to, buy for themselves, and make a part of their daily routine.
I hate men's products because I hate men, but I always get really excited when Dollar Shave Club launches new shit because they're just a great company that makes bomb products that everyone can afford.
The body washes are free of sulfates, rich in vitamins, hydrating, and smell great. Amber Lavender smells green and herbaceous and kind of like Gin (Claire, you'd like this, I'll send it to you) and Mint Cedarwood smells minty and woody. The scents are mild, so they're not overpowering in the shower and won't cling to his skin and battle whatever other fragrance he puts on. They're really enjoyable all around.
OK, it's me, Dan. My turn.
Now that Tynan has worked his magic, I'm going to attempt to show you some stuff I'm either using in my daily life or stuff I've come across that your dad hopefully won't hate. Keep in mind that Tynan is infinitely younger and cooler than me, so you should probably just stick with his picks, but I do possess a gift giving method that I think works well (at least for me, with my dad). It works like this: I am a selfish person, and my dad knows this, so what I normally do is shop for myself and then try to figure out what could work for him.
This has proven successful in the past, but I will say this, NOTHING trumps a Home Depot gift card for Father's Day. Nothing. I have tried to one-up the most basic of basic Father's Day gifts, but it cannot be outdone. So when all else fails, and you're short on time, this:
Otherwise, this is the cool shit I'm currently using or into that could potentially apply well to dads. I clearly left out the stuff dads wouldn't like that I'm into, like La Prairie's new Skin Essence. Dads probably wouldn't like that.