Reason Why I Haven’t Got a Boyfriend #423: I’m Repulsed by Mr Perfect

The Daily Mail has the answer to all of life’s tricky questions, including: what constitutes the perfect man?

May 10, 2012 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

Where would I be without the Daily Mail? Probably floundering around looking for men with ridiculous, unsuitable qualities like "kind to children and animals" and "nice forearms."

Turns out what I really need is someone who owns an Audi and tells me when he’s been eyeing up other women.

Yes, the Daily Mail, long known for articles that make me spit feathers, has found a survey conducted by British men’s clothing shop Austin Reed (incidentally, not sure I’d date a guy in an Austin Reed suit, either), where they asked 2,000 British women to describe their perfect man. Here is the list in full:

- 6ft tall
-Muscly, toned and athletic
-Brown eyes
-Short, dark hair
- Smart dress sense
- Stylish
- A beer or lager drinker
- A non-smoker
- Wears smart jeans, shirts, and a V-neck jumper
- Gets ready in 17 minutes
- Earns around £48,000 a year
- Wants a family
- Loves shopping
- Eats meat
- Watches soaps
- Clean-shaven
- Smooth-chested
- Enjoys watching football
- Drives an Audi
- Educated to degree level
- Earns more than you
- Jokes around and has a laugh
- Sensitive when you are upset
- Tells you he loves you only when he means it
- Admits it when he looks at other women
- Holds a driving licence
- Can swim
- Can ride a bike
- Can change a tyre
- Rings his mother regularly

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My perfect man- - John Nettles, the Bergerac Years. Not now, that would be gross.

Now, I know these surveys are ridiculous, convoluted and only exist to make people cross, but I’ve risen to the bait nonetheless.

Deep breath, and rant: The first question is need to ask is, who are these 2,000 women? To me, their perfect man sounds both incredibly medium and at times a bit repulsive. For starters, what sort of a git doesn’t call his mother? [Have you, dear readers, put together yet that Rebecca is the editor of the upcoming xojane UK edition and that's why she gets to say things like "git" and spell "tire" with a y? This is also one of the rare photos where she allows you to see her teeth, as you will soon see. Sorry for revealing that, Rebecca, and thus begins your nothing-is-too-personal-to-reveal-about-ourselves-or-each-other initiation. xo and carry on! ]

And he can swim? He got his Coca Cola Bronze Award for front crawl when he was 11? What a catch!

He takes 17 minutes to get ready? How...specific.

If this survey is correct, then the traits British women apparently revere in men manage to be incredibly superficial, whilst at the same time, setting the bar for men’s behaviour depressingly low. I guess it's good that I feel this way, as it means I’ll be left out of the scrum when all the women everywhere set upon the remaining single Mr Perfects in the UK, screeching like hyenas and clawing at their cashmere and wool blend V-necks as they try to claim their prize. Because otherwise these women would have to be single, and that’s THE WORST.

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My new favourite man, Holly the dog. Holly is, confusingly, a boy.

It’s also moved me to construct a list of attributes I’d like to find in my perfect man. If you're reading this, give me a call sometime, I know you’re out there somewhere. Of course, if you really are perfect, we’ll meet in an incredibly exotic location when I’m at exactly the right moment in my career, life and loan repayments to start our relationship baggage-free. Because that’s exactly how I’ve pictured it.

5 11” tall

Once they hit six foot, men start to feel like they don’t have to try any more. 5 11” is still slightly taller than me in most heels, but he's likely to sleep around than his taller mate. This is based on scientific* studies.

Can drive when necessary, but has no real interest in cars.

Lives in London

If you think I’m commuting into work from your refurbished barn in Surrey every day, you can jog on, mate.

Doesn’t start laughing in my face when I’m crying

Sensitivity wise, that is all I need. Anyone being too nice to me when I’m upset makes me really uncomfortable.

Knows that Belgium and Bulgaria are two different places.

You wouldn’t think that would have to go on the list, but you’d be amazed what happens when you don’t specify these things.

Has at least four stamps on their passport.

Scotland is not abroad.

Doesn’t make small children cry, face-wise.

Isn't skinnier than me.

I’m pretty scrawny as it is, a bloke who’s got a smaller frame than I do is getting into urchin territory

Can cook four nice meals fairly proficiently.

Plus does a nice line in sandwiches and a decent breakfast.

Has never uttered the phrase "I only like plain food."

Understands that although sometimes rock climbing, white water rafting and abseiling are fun**, another great way to spend a weekend is under a blanket with a "Game of Thrones" boxset.

Understands that I'm not his mother, and with any luck, never will be.

*not that scientific
**aren’t that fun

Am I being too picky? Do you know this perfect man? Are Audis a misunderstood car?

Rebecca Holman, if you haven't guessed, is the editor of the upcoming xoJane UK.