How Not To Be A Dick To Your Laser Hair Removal Technician

Be nice to me. I deal with assholes all day. Literally.

Apr 23, 2013 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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Congratulations! You’re my one millionth customer of the day!

 
Once upon a time, laser hair removal was something that cost a considerable amount of money and as such, was treated with a certain modicum of respect.
 
By this, I don’t mean that the technicians responsible for grooming your unwanted growth were held in the same regard as Nobel prize winners or that the actual act of wrapping your legs around your head to allow for greater access to your nether regions, carried in any way, a substantial amount of prestige but rather, when people paid thousands of dollars for a treatment, it commanded a particular level of service.
 
However, with the popularity of deal sites like Groupon and LivingSocial and LifeBooker and GiltCity, laser hair removal requires about the same financial commitment as a Happy Meal. Now, instead of laser spas, we have laser factories, sometimes churning out over 200 freshly zapped vaginas a day in order to accommodate the ridiculous amount of coupons sold. Spa workers are completely overwhelmed and customer care is suffering.
 
Yet there is a way that we can all make it through this special level of Groupon hell. As a laser technician, I’ll agree to do my very best to move expeditiously, yet thoroughly and in a kind fashion through all of the many MANY body parts that you bring in which need attending to and YOU, person who wants the most specifically shaped pubic hair EVER, will agree not to be such a dick when navigating your way from the front desk all the way through to the exit door.
 
Whadya say? Deal? Here’s how you can get started:
 
Be on time!
 
I’m the most punctual person living today, so for me, I feel like this could be the number one on any “How Not To Be A Dick” list but when it comes to the spa world, where some appointments are literally set at five minute intervals, you casually sauntering in a quarter hour after your start time like it’s no big deal is seriously obnoxious.
 
Technically, at that point you have missed your entire session so if we accommodate you, we are doing you a big fat favor. One which puts us at a huge disadvantage. Client tardiness is the biggest contributor to a backed-up waiting room. I don’t mind taking someone who’s late if they are obviously frazzled or super apologetic but if you think that just because your name is in the computer it means you can show up at anytime you want, don’t be surprised if we turn you away.
 
Don’t complain or harass the front desk if you aren’t seen at the exact time you were scheduled for.
 
OK, I know it seems unfair that I ask you to be on time and then tell you that I don’t have to be, but the two are not the same thing. I’m sorry, they just aren’t. You see, in order for spas to offer those insanely discounted rates you purchased your package for, they have to sell thousands of them. It’s essentially an unsustainable practice that I talk about in greater detail in my rant on why I hate Groupon, but for the time being you are competing with an obscene amount of people for a limited amount of appointments and with half of you walking in late to begin with, there is just no way that everyone is going to be seen on time.
 
So if ever you’re sitting anxiously in a crowded waiting room, losing your mind over the fact that it’s been 10 minutes and your name STILL hasn’t been called, chill out and ask yourself what your voucher cost. Was it next to nothing? Well this is the price you pay for not paying much at all.
 
P.S. Same thing goes for never being able to get through on the phone. Laser centers are usually dealing with more calls than a disaster telethon. Book your appointment from the spa.
 
Go to the bathroom.
 
I can’t tell you how many clients will wait for 15 minutes in the lobby only to have me escort them to a treatment room and say “Do you mind if I just use the bathroom real quick?” It baffles me every time. What in God’s name were you doing before this? If you have to relieve yourself, then by all means, go for it, but think ahead. Either that or consider the fact that you’re not three years old and are likely capable of holding it for the six minutes it will take to do your appointment.
 
Tip!
 
You tip your bartender for making you a drink. You tip your cab driver for giving you a ride. I just shaved your asshole.
 
(Yes, it’s part of the job. Good thing I spent so much money on all that college.) If there is any one profession that deserves a tip, it’s the one that’s tasked with beautifying your butt.
 
I know that lots of times laser clinics look like medical offices, but we are not doctors. The industry standard for a starting hourly wage is between 10 and 12 dollars an hour. We depend on tips for the bulk of our income. Granted, there are a few laser spots that pay their employees handsomely ($17 an hour!) and in turn discourage clients from leaving gratuity but here’s an easy test: If you see a tip envelope at the front desk, use it.
 
Leave your creepy boyfriend at home.
 
It’s the strangest thing but I swear there are couples who turn a hair removal appointment into some kind of weird sexual experience. Every once in a while you’ll see a them sitting together in the waiting room, holding hands and making out. I used to have one client that refused to sit on the furniture whenever she showed up for her session. If there were six chairs available to her, she would still sit in her boyfriend’s lap. I don’t know if the thought of another woman handling their girlfriend’s naughty bits gets dudes all riled up but I’ve even had boyfriends ask to come in the room with us so they could watch.
 
And please, don’t even think of allowing your man to describe to me what shape he wants your pubic hair in, like his initials or some shit. Yeah, that fucking happens. It’s rare, but disgusting nonetheless.
 
I hope this was helpful because honestly, I could totally love you and all of the crazy things I have to do to your body, if only you weren’t such a dick about it.