Dear People Of Facebook, Don't Show Me Your Tits!

Protip: As " sexy" as you are in all of your almost-topless glory, unmade beds are NOT sexy. Make your damn bed before showing the world your boobs.

Aug 8, 2011 at 10:46am | Leave a comment

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I'm going to preface this article by saying I am 41.

This is my new xoJane shtick, I'm going to remind everyone how old I am at all times so I can be either known as "That old lady who writes at xoJane" or "That old lady who has to mention how old she is every chance she gets."

Now, I knoooooooow, 41 is not old, age ain't nuthin' but a numbah', 40 is the new 20. But do you know when I feel reallllllly old? Checking my Facebook page. I have all these adorable, smart, ambitious, funny nieces, cousins, and various other relatives, and some of my other contacts have nieces, daughters and various late teens to mid-20s females who have added me. I don't have scads of " friends" on Facebook, either because I tend not to add people I don't know, or because most of my Facebook updates that I post have to do with either laundry, or bacon. People don't " add" me a lot.

Among these adorable, smart, ambitious, funny, young females, the majority of them, at some point, have posted a photograph of themselves that could easily be submitted to Maxim magazine (Bad, best case scenario) or Barely Legal (Bad, worst case scenario).

These photos are either of them clad in bikinis, tight fighting tank tops, bras or super low-cut tops. And these aren't candid shots of them at the beach playing sand volleyball, or volunteering at a charity carwash or entitled " Getting my first mammogram!" ( they are too young for mammograms) -- these are posed photographs of them either standing in front of their bathroom mirror or sitting in front of their bed with their legs slightly spread.

Protip: As " sexy" as you are in all of your almost-topless glory, unmade beds are NOT sexy. Make your damn bed before showing the world your boobs. If someone makes me a pillow crosstiched with: "Make your damn bed before showing the world your boobs," I will be your best friend. Forever.

When I see one of these photos I'm torn. I want to compliment the young girl on looking PRETTY because she DOES look pretty! And she obviously posted that photograph because she wants to be told she is pretty. So I usually end up writing " You are beautiful, put on a shirt," and then I feel like the old lady laundry/bacon obsessed Facebook police who ruins everyone's fun.

But these girls aren't showing these photos to just their other young friends. They are showing them to me, their parents, their parent's friends and anyone else on anyone's page who happens to see it, unless they actually took the time to tweak their privacy settings. Which how many of us actually do? So yes, dear young friend who just showed me your breasts, my dentist also saw them. And maybe his brother. And maybe his brother's plumber.

Now, I know this isn't my bizzzzzz. Girls can be girls and show their boobs to anyone they want and whoo hoo, grrrrrrrl power! But I still cringe when I see it. It feels very awwwwwwk-ward! I love breasts. I have two of them. I have used them for play (cough) and work  (nursing three babies). I have no issue with breasts or nudity or sexxxxy sexxxxxy sexy pics. I just don't like seeing my young contacts IN THAT WAY. Not because I'm old, (I'm 41) and jealous and uptight about nudity or sexuality, but because I know better. Yeah. I said it. I'm 41 and I know better.

If I can see these photos, who knows who else can? Future professors, employers, some scary serial killer who is using them to throw darts at while he waits for you to post where you work and masturbates in his own feces. And my drycleaner. So adjust your privacy so only a select few can see these photos. Or better yet, only post fully clothed photos but just do a daily status update that reads "I'm pretty and I have breasts." That way we can all know this without making me worried and uncomfortable.

I feel the same way about men who post shirtless photographs of themselves. Granted, I don't worry about women snagging their photos to masturbate to them (or worse) but it still skeeves me out. I once clicked on a photo of a contact's "friend" and ending up seeing some guy's naked ass and it creeped me out for days.

And if anyone wants to add me on Facebook, feel free. I don't post tit shots and I like talking about laundry and bacon. I'm 41. Xo, Eve