I have a pretty low tolerance for bullshit. I can suss it out quickly, smack it upside the head and send it back to its momma fast.
So HOW did I end up dating a guy who was Super Best Friends Forever with his Ex-Girlfriend?
Introduced by mutual friends, PG and I hit it off right away. He was funny, charming, had a good job and was interesting. He was smart, too. Also, he had kick ass taste in music (probably the only good takeaway from this entire situation). My musical palette grew, thanks to him.
On our first “date” (yes, I am using quotation marks because sometimes, the first time you hang out with a guy, you’re not exactly sure if it is just a hang out or a “date-date”) when things were going well and the conversation was flowing, he started dropping A’s name. It would be in a nonchalant comment, such as, “A and I were having a laugh about xyz,” and I thought it was funny, too, so I’d laugh right along with him.
The more we hung out thought I started to notice the frequent name-dropping of A. He told me that A was his best friend and I thought, “Oh, a woman best friend, that’s neat.” He also added that she was married to B and she and B had a child together. I thought, “Cool beans.”
Until he started talking about her constantly.
You see, they also worked together, side by side, would go to lunch together, run errands together, shop together, celebrate birthdays together, and in one story he told me, went on vacation together, all post-break up. I started to notice how often he mentioned her and it began to annoy me.
Then, in passing, he mentioned that A was actually his ex-girlfriend, his first love, and that they had broken up because she wanted to get married and he wasn’t ready. So she married another man and had a baby with him.
I also began to notice how A seemed to have a personal crisis going on every time PG and I were going to hang, or had plans. It seemed to happen every. single. time we had a date. And he was sensitive to her needs, which I would have appreciated, you know, if I wasn’t dating him.
At the first few mentions, I thought, How cool that this guy can be so mature and evolved by remaining friends with his ex! And then I started to wonder if maybe I was strange because I am not superclosebestfriendsforever with any of my exes. I had had a long-term relationship end not super long before this dating experiment and was brand new to the dating world after years of being coupled up, so I thought the dating landscape had changed, “Maybe everyone is superclosebestfriendsforever with their ex now!” I said to myself.
PG told me that his last relationship had ended because that girlfriend couldn’t “deal” with his “relationship with A.” And I thought, “You don’t say?” He seemed really confused and defensive about this fact.
The clencher was when PG told me that A’s husband, B, told PG that on the day A delivered their baby, B thought the baby looked like PG and it floored him, causing him pause. I had no idea why PG was telling me this while we were on a date. Sidenote to men: if you ever want to lose a woman’s interest fast, just tell a similar story.
I had consulted with a guy friend on this, someone I have known for awhile. Male and female friendships are said to get trickier as you get older (whoever They are, They say this) and I agree to an extent. But male and female friendships where you are dating someone new is a whole different ballgame. My friend told me essentially, “Hell to the No, Erica. It’s freaking weird.”
When I tried to counter it by coming up with a “mature” or “evolved” excuse, he brought me back down to reality again and told me that it is “Just. Plain. Strange.”
"All right. I’m convinced,” I responded.
The best part is that he broke it off with me first. We had a long-distance situation and it wasn’t working for him and I immediately agreed though my reason was more of, “I can’t date you and A anymore. This threesome isn’t working for me.”
She was very present the entire time we dated, on the phone, in text, in every conversation, and it truly feels like the three of us broke up when it happened. Turns out dating a guy who is that close to his ex is a dealbreaker for me. I much prefer one-on-one.
I understand being friendly and courteous with an ex, but my personal boundaries and values do not fall in line with this kind of relationship. So in the future, it is best for me to be involved with someone who is more aligned with my way of thinking on this subject.
So adios, to all the superbestfriendswithmyex guys.