15 Things I'm Thinking When You Don't Text Back

Buy some backup cell phone power already.

Dec 18, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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I came across a Thought Catalog article called 15 Honest Reasons I Haven't Responded To Your Text. I was thrilled! I thought at last, someone is going to fess up. Someone is going to say out loud, a nicer version of "I just don't care that much." I was so excited. 
 
I read. I laughed. I pondered. Mostly I just felt concern for what the person on the other end of the nontext must be thinking, particularly because that person is often me. So I decided to respond to the nonresponse. 
 
1. "I’m focused on having sex with someone I actually like."
 
See, I don't think there's anything wrong with this reason. I just have a problem with the fact that we never say this reason to each other! We leave the other party hanging on to the last shreds of butterflies they had the last time we spent time together. We are jerks. We are all jerks. Let's just throw an "I'm just not that into you" text back at them and let them move on. I say we here because I've done this, too. I am so mean.
 
2. "I’m having an extraction party in my mirror with Mr. Blackhead."
 
Wash your hands. 
 
3. "My phone is probably just dead. Yeah. It’s totally dead. Yep."
 
We're staring down the barrel of 2014. Buy some backup cell phone power already. I highly recommend the Mophie
 
4. "I leave my read receipts turned on my iPhone just to torture people. I saw it and I just haven’t opened it because reasons."
 
This is mean. You are mean. This is game playing and let's stop it with the game playing because REASONS. 
 
5. "I’m way too stoned to figure out how to put words together. In the case that I ate an edible, it is likely too difficult to even manage typing “hi” and hitting send."
 
Forgiven. 
 
6. "I’m ignoring you and I “passed out” but really I’m just reading in bed and not existing in phone land right now."
 
I hate excuses. They're a non-truth of saying "You don't matter much to me." Just tell me I don't matter! I'm not made of glass, I can take it, and then move on to pursue someone I actually matter to. Making me think I matter when I don't is a waste of my time and a misuse of your Karma. 
 
7. "I am helping my friend look for her pet rat that escaped as she was trying to clean the cage. I can’t just be sitting there on my phone when there is a serious pet situation."
 
If this genuinely happened, I hope she got her rat back. Also maybe buy her a pet carrier so she has someplace to put Rat while she's cleaning. 
 
8. "I’m not sure how to respond to that incredibly confusing and irrelevant meme you just sent me."
 
THEN SAY THAT. Dammit, why is ignoring the default behavior? Do you like being ignored? Do you? It's the Bog Of Eternal Stench Of Feelings. You can't wash them away, and they can negatively affect your self esteem. 
 
9. "I was buzzing one out and my Hitachi Magic Wand is louder than my text alerts. Priorities, dude. Besides, my phone autocorrects “masturbating” to “madturbatong.”  I can’t really explain that one."
 
Finish up and respond. I mean nap if you have to, but then write me back. Your orgasm did not expel me from your memory. If it did, tell me where you got that Hitachi Magic Wand, plz. 
 
10. "I’m posting what I’m doing on Facebook and uploading my last meal to Instagram, both of which take precedence over your message."
 
Glad I matter. 
 
11. "“It was on silent.” …and buried in the abyss of my purse while I dance with a drink in my hand."
 
This is OK. Be busy. Have a life. Maybe invite me dancing next time.
 
12. "You took forever to respond to my last text so now I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine. How immature and dramatic of me!"  
 
If we all stopped pulling this little rabbit of revenge out of our hats, imagine how much less game playing there'd be in the world?
 
13. "I am actively trying to push you away by being passive. I may actually just come out and say “leave me alone” if my phone starts having a seizure due to the influx of alerts from you."
 
Why not just go ahead and say "Leave me alone" right now? Why wait? The waiting hurts me. Just get it out. The sooner I'm pushed away, the sooner you're free of me. Think of it that way. 
 
14. "I am pretending to not be awake yet or your timing is just terrible."
 
You saw the text. You are not sleeping. Place hands on buttons and type. Again with the ignoring. Why? The reason why is you just don't give a hoot. It's okay not to give a hoot, as long as you don't not give a hoot in bloody secret! 
 
15. "I’m an asshole."
 
At last.