AVOID CANCER MEN!: The Most Insane Astrological Signs

According to illustrator, crafter, witch, palm-reader, writer, musician and subliminal comedian Dame Darcy

Jun 3, 2011 at 1:02pm | Leave a comment

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At a picnic in Central Park by the turtle pond convened a bunch of super cute people who all have two things in common: We love food and we love Dame Darcy. An amazingly talented (and loveably odd) illustrator, crafter, witch, palm-reader, writer, musician, and subliminal comedian, she’s always had an affinity for the occult and all things beautiful, feminine, esoteric, and potentially Cthonic. Of course the conversation quickly turned to behavioral explanation based on astrological sign. In this, Dame Darcy schooled us on the most insane people in the zodiac. Later, I followed up with her, and she wrote this whole amazing thing telling us definitively who is completely bonkers and who is as well-adjusted as it gets. Behold: The Countdown to Crazies.

1. Cancer Men, then Cancer Ladies
Because Cancer is a feminine moon sign, the moon does not seem to affect the ladies as adversely as the guys, probably because dreamy, moody, subconscious, introspective and witchy are already things with which women are familiar. Men should be logical, solid and have their emotions under control, or be able to (or at least TRY to) express what they feel, despite the way society tries to make them into robots.

Dating a Cancer man is like dating a moody woman, but one who doesn't express what they feel, instead running away sideways and attacking by abandoning and passive-aggressively disappearing instead of talking about how they feel and what’s going on. Which can be the ultimate in hurtful.

Cancer men particularly can be the most insidious, because they pull the "suddenly throw you away" thing like you’re just a piece of trash, when really they are the trash by doing this to people.  The Italian mafia are probably all Cancer men. Pretend they like you so they can lead you into an elevator and kill you. Then bury your body, so no one says or knows who did it because they all sneaked off sideways into the night and disappeared forever.

All you Cancer men who have pulled this crap will be sorry, you’re not off the hook, God sees what you did and you will pay, you will pay dearly.

2. Scorpio Ladies
Scorpio ladies are charismatic and will do anything for you, seeming loyal and amazing, and will make you fall in love with them. But then suddenly one day, without warning, you come to their birthday party an hour late or something you don't even know would be a problem, and STING they never talk to you again for the rest of your life, and you are just standing there stunned and wondering, “Wha happen?!”

Scorp guys are just kinda slutty, which may or may not be a problem depending on your taste.

3. Pisces
Pisces men have the same problem as Cancer men: weird, dreamy, wishy-washy, and moody. They also tend to be drug and alcohol addicts because they are so emo. This kind of flakiness is annoying. 

 The Cancers and Pisces should take a lesson from the Capricorns and Taurus and just get a little emotional stability, do what they say, say what they mean, and take accountability for their actions.

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4. Gemini Men, then Gemini Ladies
Gemini Men don't want to really commit, and they play switcheroo games while at the same time being so cold, logical, and analytical that you actually think they’re making sense, but really what they did was make you drink their Spock Kool-aid. Repeat after me: Do NOT repeat after them, "I understand."

Gemini ladies can be gossipy back stabbers; let’s face, it, they are two-faced, but it doesn't need to be a big deal. As soon as they do it, they forget the next minute, so you should, too.

5. Leo
Leo = Ego. Is this crazy? Maybe a little babyish, but otherwise whatever, it depends on how good you are at keeping your head out of the Lion’s mouth.

6. Aries
The same goes for Aries, but without the Lion part. Replace it instead with a goat-like stubbornness. Goats are less dangerous than lions; that’s why they are after the Leos in the Countdown to Crazies.

7. Aquarius
Kinda like the Gemini, but without the schizo, that’s why they are after the Gemini on the Countdown to Crazies. But they are still crazy for sho.

8. Sagittarius
Both Ladies and Gents are crazy like a clown. To some this may be really funny, to others horrible beyond their worst nightmare. Again, depends on your taste. Oh, and they can be slutty too, but it's all in the name of fun, so unless STDs are involved, what’s the harm?

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9. Libra
They try to stay balanced, but don't always succeed, that is why they are on the list at number 8. At least fairness and justice is their number one priority. That honorable trait means something in this world still to poor, overwhelmed Libra.

10. Virgo
Now we have finally moved into the earth signs. The only reason Virgo is more crazy than the other earth signs is because they have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Other than that they are fine.

11. Taurus
12. Capricorn
Not crazy. But some may say... boring?

Ophiuchus
The new sign. I don't know if it’s crazy. I hear it’s like a doctor. Is that crazy?

BTW I am a Gemini on the cusp of Cancer with a Scorpio rising. That is why I even get this stuff (and why I am crazy).