Okay, so you've helped me interpret my dreams brilliantly before. Last night's was a doozy (or a series of doozies), so much that I wasn't sure I was going to share it, but of course I am. (I am not still in bed, as this pic would indicate. I am in the office now — it just took me a while to decide whether to show you this.) I think what I'm looking for here is less dream interpretation and more "don't feel guilty for having that totally inappropriate dream, Jane," though I will take whatever you give me. Especially if it's both. Oh, you know what would really really help? If you told me dreams you've had that weirded you out. That would help a lot.
The dream (or the chapter of it that is most weighing on me right now):
I am in a big house where my Grandma is living. In the country. It's beautiful and there are leaves on the ground outside. My Grandma (105) is even more spry than in real life -- she's walking like a 30-year-old (whatever that means -- not being ageist -- you get the idea). I have Charlotte with me, of course, and we are running around this big house where they have all of these healthy snacks in glass close-topped containers and we keep going back to the kitchen for more. (Note: If you didn't already know from all of my tweeting about eating #driedsemen off my clothes and such, I am on a raw-food thing for 5 days, so this constant-snacking part of the dream interpretation is a little more obvious.)
My friend comes over to visit with her young son (he is a bit older in real life) whom she is feeding in this very elaborate way by cutting and mashing up various vegetables and dispensing them to him through this suctiony malleable-plastic clear container so that it is perfectly digestible and he is SO healthy for it, clearly. The friend I'm talking about is famous for many things, including her wonderful and accessible health advice. She has fed me and my daughter delicious kale chips she makes. She is someone I look up to health-wise. She is wonderful. She is also married. So I would totally name her here, except for this next part of the dream:
This friend brings along some guy named Snoopy or Popeye or something goofy/cool. He is a little smelly in a way I enjoy. After hanging around upstairs for a while, we go down to the bedroom to watch TV. While my friend and her son and I are sitting on the bed, he goes to where my Grandma and daughter are sitting, closer to the TV and fondles my Grandma's right breast. I feel terrible about it. She doesn't realize what he's doing and then she notices and I make some noise and he stops. My daughter and Grandma go to the kitchen.
Then he starts taking off his clothes and making moves to have a threesome with me and this friend. She is into it and starts taking off her clothes too. I feel like a prude, but I am not into it (and I don't know when my daughter and Grandma are going to come back into the room), but I disrobe and start going for it anyway (this, you may or may not want to know, is my tendency in real life too -- to do what other people want to do sexually even if I am uncomfortable with it -- I've only said "no" once that I recall and that's in a lot of years). Grandma and daughter walk back to the doorway of the room and I am saved by this as we have to then put our clothes on. They fortunately do not seem to know what was happening.
Note to friend: It is not that I don't find you incredibly sexy and attractive and alluring and all of that stuff.
The end. Thanks for hanging in this long if you did! I will do anything for you (very few boundaries here) if you help me feel okay about dragging my friend, her son, my daughter, my 105-year-old GRANDMA and now YOU into this freak-show!
For more of this lunacy, in smaller chunks, follow me on Twitter @JanePratt. Or don't if you are horrified by this -- I understand.