I know I have made bad decisions in my life — just like everyone else. I also know that the decisions I’ve made do not warrant other people to treat me like I’m garbage. But that's what I experienced when Nathan Hamill, son of Star Wars actor Mark Hamill, got me pregnant earlier this year.
Nathan and I started dating at the end of 2015. We had sex, of course — lots of it. I was on birth control and he eventually expressed interest in not using condoms. I realize it was my mistake to allow him to not use them. But I thought that an adult would understand the possible consequences.
About three months after we started dating, I found out I was pregnant. It was a major surprise since I had been on birth control. I told him immediately. His response was simply, "Fuck."
He then told me he’d really like for me to get an abortion. I wasn’t sure what response I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. Maybe I wanted him to ask, What do YOU want to do? It would have been better to at least give me that first.
I had previously experienced an abortion and knew I didn’t want to go through that again. I gave him options — a way out of the responsibility. Nathan told me it would be best if I got an abortion.
I asked him not to lie to me to get what he wanted. If he didn’t want to be with me, I told him, it was fine. I sent him links to read about termination of parental rights; I spoke with him about closed adoption. Still, he said abortion was the only way he would be there for me and it was for the child’s best interest.
"It makes me feel awful that my kid could be out there when I don’t want to raise one," Nathan said over text message. "But I can’t force you to do what I think is best for all of us. If you’re keeping it then it sucks that our relationship had to end this way cause I really like you."
"I really like you, too," I replied, "That’s why this is so hard for me. If I couldn’t do it I’d never contact you or ask you for anything. I’d never ask you to help me raise it."
"Don’t you think the kid not having a dad is fucked up though?" he asked. "It would suck for the kid. If I don’t have any responsibly, I would feel horrible for the kid."
"If you’re not around then why would you think about it though?" I asked. "Wouldn’t you just move on with your life?"
"No. I’d think about it," he answered. "And whether or not I did, it’s still unfair to the kid. That’s the bottom line."
This began the most volatile emotional roller coaster I’d ever experienced. I felt lost, alone, and I even started to wonder if maybe an abortion would make everything right again. Nathan kept up the pressure, and listening to his words, it started to seem like the best answer. He said everything would be all right and that he would be with me if I got it done.
At seven weeks, I agreed to an abortion. Due to scheduling conflicts with clinics, I ended up getting a medical abortion, using pills. It was a horrible experience, and during the second day of bed rest, Nathan was drunk at a bar the entire time. I thought maybe I deserved that.
Then I learned the medical abortion didn’t take — and I now had a high-risk pregnancy going full-force. At this point, I felt the need to keep the baby. After all I went through, I decided it was meant to be, and I was happy with that decision. I felt the guilt of everything I did to this baby, and to make it up to her, I’d love her forever.
I thought Nathan’s constant badgering would end there, but it didn’t. When I told him I was keeping it, I clearly expressed it wasn’t about his family's money. Child support was brought up, and at first he was slightly communicative, saying it would be $500 a month, with health insurance. I was fine with that. Then he dropped it to $325, with no health insurance for the baby. Again, I said it was fine. Never did I expect money from a trust fund or his parents, and I have kept all the digital communication to prove it.
But at that point, his mother took over with emailing me, and he stopped talking to me.
"Maegan you blew it," she wrote in an email. "When he got to London, he showed me pictures of you and was excited you were coming over. Then you got pregnant. Now if you thought that would keep you together, you calculated wrong. If you’d had the procedure, then he would have felt closer to you for that, for knowing you cared about him and his feelings. Your time in London would have been fabulous. You would still have a relationship with him now. You still could, if and only if, you have the procedure. But it is up to you. No coercing. No more contact with you about it. It is your decision and only yours to make. As he has told you time and time again, he is not ready to be a father yet. But instead you have given him ultimatums and threatening to have the baby if he didn’t do this or that or you didn’t come to London. He has tried to please you as much as he possibly could under the extreme pressure and uncertainty that you will (or did) have the procedure."
He wanted nothing to do with the baby, which I was fine with. But both Nathan and his mother told me it was “unfair” that a child would have only one parent.
"I am devastated for his child," she wrote. "No child should only have one parent. I know it happens all the time but I would never chose to do it. I would never want to raise a child without the father around. It’s hard enough to do it with a partner, but alone, it would be far too lonely. You want Nathan around now? How are you going to feel after the baby is born and he is not around? I couldn’t do it. It is so selfish."
Farther along in that email, she wrote, "I pray for this poor child. I told you I was adopted and not knowing who your parents are and wondering why they didn’t want you is something only another adopted person knows and when I meet anyone that has been adopted, we have an instant deep bond that is unexplainable to anyone else. This is the only reason I feel strongly that you should not have this baby and for no other reason than for the child. The best option for a less than ideal situation."
Verbal abuse, manipulation, lies, and coercion from Nathan and his mother led me to a state of overwhelming hopelessness. I didn’t want to talk to his mother, I wanted to talk to him. But in order for that to happen, I had to agree to abort the baby.
"So Maegan, once again, as I have said before, it is totally up to you," his mother wrote in another email. "Mark and I told you that if you choose to do the procedure we would be more than willing to pay for it. Do not use that as an excuse. It is not an excuse. We could and would pay the clinic if and when it is done but at this point we are not going to contact you again. You can have an attorney contact Nathan but until the baby is born and a paternity test is done and then the courts determine what Nathan is responsible for, you will not hear from him. Then and only then will you get a check, no more. We have welcomed you into our home and treated you as family only to have you say things that just aren’t true and hurt us and our son."
I finally just told him I’d get the abortion. He was eager to get it done — happy, because he was finally getting his way. He said he’d take care of me after, and that we’d be together. His words weren’t comforting, but they were all I had.
He took me to an abortion clinic at 21 weeks where I learned it would be a major procedure. I told the nurse at Planned Parenthood what was happening, and I showed her the emails and messages. She told me it was coercion, and I shouldn’t have the abortion if I didn’t want to do. She offered to give me paperwork stating I’d gotten it done.
Under stress, I lied, which I know wasn’t right to do. I let Nathan think I went through with it. I told him it was done. I wanted to see if what he told me was true — that he’d be there for me after. But he immediately told me he didn’t want anything to do with me. He had just been telling me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. He wanted it taken care of with no thought of my feelings. I’m sure he’s used to getting his way.
I knew being that dishonest wasn’t right, but it let me know where I stood. It let me know that I didn’t care what he thought anymore. I guess a part of me was still holding onto him. At that moment, I was glad to let go.
Communication was scarce after that. I had a lawyer contact him. He ignored it. I spent months trying to get affairs in order and get some sort of child support in order. No one would talk to me. No one would give me any sort of consideration to the life of the baby I was having.
At this point, I was angry. After all the options I offered, he still treated me like garbage. I decided to approach a well-established lawyer who would take my case.
But of course now I’m the bad guy. I’m the “horrible gold-digging slut” who ruined his life. It’s all my fault. It got back to me that Nathan is telling people his rights were violated, but what about my rights? He was given opportunities to get off scot-free, but he and his family felt it was better to push me to do something I truly didn’t want to do.
In a less-that-great situation, I did what I thought was right. In the end, I’m happy with that choice, and I’m happy to welcome my daughter into this world.
xoJane has reached out to Nathan Hamill for comment. We have not received a response, but we will post an update if we do.