I’m not who most people would picture as a 30-year-old virgin.
I have plenty of friends and a fairly active social life. I went to college. I’m not asexual. I fit society’s general definition of physically attractive. I had a happy childhood and have never been the victim of sexual abuse. I had sex education and happily married parents as an example of a positive relationship.
I really don’t even understand myself how it happened, or, more accurately, how it didn’t happen. Not only was I a virgin, but was a virgin who had never given or received oral sex, never been fingered, and never had my boobs touched under my shirt. .
I only ever had one “real” kiss (with tongue), and it barely even counted. One night in the sixth grade at a school dance, my group of friends convinced me and my then-boyfriend to French kiss, in front of everyone. To the romantic tunes of New Kids on the Block, I had my first kiss (which consisted of us sticking our tongues into each other’s mouths, leaving them there for 2 seconds, and then recoiling in horror). Little did I know this would be my only kiss for almost 20 years.
My high school and college experiences were fairly typical. I went to school, socialized with friends (mostly girls), had some serious crushes that I could never admit to anyone (ding ding ding -- root of my problem!), got drunk at parties, went to prom with a one-time blind date set up by a friend, etc. It didn’t even seem particularly weird that I didn’t have a boyfriend. I knew other girls in high school who just didn’t date, and my college was predominantly female and in a tiny town, so I definitely wasn’t alone in my lack of action there.
In fact, when I graduated from college, two out of my three best friends were virgins as well. Unlike me, however, they had sex shortly after graduating.
It’s really very easy to be an adult woman and not have sex. I just didn’t get into relationships. I occasionally went on a first date with someone my friends set me up with or during my occasional experiments with online dating sites, but I just never clicked with any of these guys. Maybe if I’d given them more time I would have, but I had other things to do.
I moved a few times and frequently went out of town to visit old friends and family, and I think my friends thought I was having sex at some point (however infrequently) when I wasn’t geographically around them. People in my life knew I didn’t date much, but I truly don’t think any of them realized I was a virgin.
When the subject of sex came up, I typically didn’t get too involved in the conversation or made up vague stories or exaggerations of real experiences (turning a guy I had plans to hook up with in college into a guy I actually did hook up with in college, for example).
I discovered the wonders of the vibrator shortly after graduating from college. The first time a penis-shaped object was inserted into my vagina, it hurt, and I bled a bit. I think all my experience with sex toys and knowledge of what I liked when masturbating really helped make sex more enjoyable when it finally happened.
Two years ago, I decided to dive back into the online dating scene at the age of 30. My intention wasn’t really to have sex, but I thought a boyfriend might be nice, mostly because all of my friends were married and I frequently found myself alone on weekend nights. I went on a few bad first dates, similar to all of my other dating experiences.
Then I met T for an innocent first date over coffee. I really didn’t even want to go out with him, but he begged, so I thought I might as well get a free coffee and croissant. Thank god I’m easily motivated by pastries.
For the first time since my college crushes, I instantly felt chemistry with him. We got along wonderfully, and I decided to go out with him again. He clearly was looking for sex (and possibly a relationship, though that was less clear) and pursued me pretty aggressively.
Although I don’t necessarily want this in a future partner, I think his pushy (but still respectful -- I never felt like I was doing something I didn’t want to do) nature was what I needed at the time.
For our second date, he invited me to his apartment to watch a movie. I may have been a virgin, but I wasn’t naïve.
After sitting through a movie on his sofa with our bodies not even touching for two hours, he pulled me in for a back massage, and thus my first sexual encounter began.
That night, I think I experienced more sexual firsts than anyone in history: my first good kiss, first “make out” session, first boob fondling, first fingering, first touching of a penis, first reception of oral sex, and first sex.
And yes, during the sex, I thought to myself, “THANK GOD this is finally happening.”
Afterward, I was happy and relieved. I didn’t feel like any more of a woman or an adult, but I felt like the pressure was finally off, and most importantly, like I was no longer keeping a secret from everyone. As an adult virgin, I really didn’t feel ashamed or unattractive or any of those negative things you might expect. To me, the problem with being an adult virgin wasn’t the lack of sex, but the way society negatively views virgins over the age of 21.
I knew that if I really wanted to, I could have sex. For some reason though, I just didn’t really want to. Interestingly enough, that first experience must have jump-started my hormones or something, because now I want sex ALL THE TIME. Maybe it’s because it’s been demystified for me, or because the pressure of the First Time is off.
Either way, I’m happy with how my experiences with sex have turned out, despite (or even because of) the slow start.