IT HAPPENED TO ME: His Crazy Ex Won't Leave Us Alone

I had a baby with my ex-boss's ex-husband (& it's ex-tra complicated).

Jan 13, 2012 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

Almost four years ago, I hooked up with a really great dude. Totally unintentional, no one saw it coming including us. During that time, we've procreated and our two-year-old man-child is running around "bweaking" everything. We've got it pretty good, except for one thing: his ex-wife.

This isn't a typical ex situation, not that any ex situation is typical, but in the way that ridiculously insane things seem to gravitate toward and engulf me, this has been no different.

First, my significant other was my boss. I know, I know. It gets better.

Second, his business partner, and my other boss, was his ex-wife. What am I complaining about, right? Right. Except no! They were long separated before we got together.

At some point before our hot night of passion that resulted in the best domestic situation ever, she actually suggested that I should consider dating him. It struck me as a little strange, but at the same time, I had been working for the two of them for nearly two years and never knew them as a married, cohabitating couple.

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They had also dated many other people since, and really, it's not like I just jumped on her offer. I genuinely forgot about her trying to set us up until a few months after we got together.

So I had been working at this small boutique for around two years. I had recently gone through a tough break-up and was getting acquainted with drinking excessively, nursing full-time hangovers and having serious fun.

After work one night, I found myself at a cafe bar with my future life partner. We had a few drinks, ate a leg of lamb, decided to have more drinks somewhere else, which was completely out of the ordinary, and the deal was sealed. I thought it was going to be a one time super awkward kind of thing, but to my delight it was an every-night-insanely-nuts-for-each-other kind of thing.

Bad. I knew it was bad. I felt incredibly guilty and horrible about the situation, but you know what? I wasn't about to turn down that shit. It made me happy. It was mine. I wanted it.

So I did the right thing (I thought) and owned it. I invited my other boss, his ex-wife, to drinks on a Sunday afternoon and live and in person, laid it all out there. I really didn't know what to expect, but the worst that I thought I could expect was incredibly mild compared to what really went down.

She stormed out, and within minutes was sending me a barrage of text messages in between the messages she was also sending to my boyfriend.

You know, I was an asshole. We were both assholes. It was pretty terrible, but things had to get better from there, right? I sure hoped so.

Obviously, I left that job. My boyfriend was still in the business. I knew what I was getting into and made my choice. It's not like he could just wipe the dust off his hands and walk away.

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Their business, personally and professionally, was not my business, and I was quite proud of myself for seeing it that way because when your boyfriend's business partner is texting him incessantly about the c-word-expletive that ruined his life, while that c-word-expletive (me) is sitting next to him six months pregnant, it's a little tough keeping it zipped. 

In a way, I totally understood her feelings and actions. I absolutely hated being on the receiving end of it, but I was a crazy ex once. I had rage and jealousy and incredible insecurities and totally made it hell for one of my exes when he started dating another girl.

It sucks. Man, the horribly rotten feelings, but everyone breaks up. Everyone goes through tough emotions in and out of relationships. I guess I just feel like it takes a special personality to intentionally cross the line at every opportunity.

For nearly three years, mum was the word with me. I really knew that it wasn't my place to voice anything while they still had business to resolve. It was a long process and super difficult at times.

While I had an incredible birth and amazing son, going through that emotional roller coaster while my boyfriend was obligated to communicate with her was more than I could handle. Yes, orders and events have to be coordinated, but does that require a hundred text messages to him, on my birthday, riddled with insults about the mother of his son?

But I didn't get involved. I made no contact with her through her bizarre Single White Female-style claims that my child and my life were hers (seriously), the threats, dinner and drink invitations extended to my boyfriend, scheduling work on my due date, both of our birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, our son's birthday, all while sending my son Christmas and birthday gifts, picking things out for him at thrift shops, small presents just whenever.

All of this was pretty much on a daily basis for over two years. Miraculously, over the past year or so it dwindled to weekly, then bi-weekly.

The entire time, I kept to myself. There were professional issues that needed to be resolved and it wasn't my place.

The day finally came last fall when all professional ties were officially cut, major cause for celebration. Less than a week later, she was asking him to fill in for her. On his birthday.  He explained that no, he was no longer working with the business.

We had the best time ever on his birthday that year. It was seriously such a relief for both of us. Until she started contacting him, a-gain.

She needed to call him, text him, ask if he could work on our son's birthday, then another and something else. Never ending. ENOUGH.

Shaking with a huge barf-knot in my stomach (I hate confrontation and this had gone SO far), I fired off few succinct text messages and emails, curtly informing her that this was ending now, and she should back off. With a few more colorful details I had wanted to say for years.

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In response, she messaged my boyfriend, again and again. I let her know that my boyfriend and I openly discuss her text messages, and she should contact me directly if she has something to say. She instructed him by text to not let me contact her.

My infuriated, and probably incredibly childish, response was to inform her that if she contacted him again, I would take her approach and contact her boyfriend about her behavior.

Shockingly, that worked for a while. At least a month of silence, but then just like before, she was blowing up my kid’s dad’s phone with work requests and anything she could think of.

I've gone back and forth over the years between insane rage and anger, not really caring, confusion and just being bummed out.

I've also felt really foolish at times; I knew what the situation was from the very beginning and that it wasn't going to be pretty. But I suppose I thought time would put to rest the harassment.

They were a former couple when I met them. She's a smart woman, runs a successful business, and is seemingly happy in her current relationship. She has a lot of great things going for her; why persistently hit me below the belt?

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There were times I wasn’t super comfortable in my own relationship, but I've become so satisfied and happy on a daily basis, really confident with my little family. I like this a lot. So why does her nonsense still get under my skin?

I'm more determined and motivated than ever to fully enjoy my beautiful life with my guys. The good times have just been way too good to sweat this.