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I know, you may be thinking, “So what? You married a virgin? Thousands of people do that.” That’s not what I mean. I mean that yes, my husband was a virgin when we got married almost a year ago and still is.
I met Jason years ago, when we were children really, and we quickly became friends. We stayed in touch through college, talking off and on, for several years. Then, in our mid-twenties, we ended up living in the same city. We met up for dinner one night, and sort of never let go after that. We fell in love quickly, I think in part because we had known each other for so long. We dated for 3 years before getting engaged, and married a year after that.
Having known Jason since we were wee lads, I knew what I was getting myself into –- or at least I thought I did. I knew he was a “waiting until marriage” guy, for both faith and personal reasons. I knew he was worth it.
Our physical relationship progressed as most of my previous ones had. I’m not exactly the fastest lady in that respect either (see any IHTM: I was sexually abused), so I was okay with moving it a bit slow.
We went from heavy make out sessions during the first couple of months, into touchy feely, and finally into the “everything but” status. And it was amazing. I had always enjoyed sexy fun time with my previous boyfriends, but all of my Os had been self-induced before Jason.
I really didn’t miss the actual P in the V sex, since I was truly being satisfied several times a week. That being said, I was excited for it as our wedding drew closer because I just knew that if everything else was so great, the sex was going to blow my mind.
I knew Jason and I were both a bit nervous about the wedding night itself. The only other time I’d been with a first-timer was my own first time. I thought it would be a lot like that since it had been close to 5 years since I’d done the nasty. I was totally a born again virgin, right?
And it was, at first. I had bought a special outfit, and things proceeded as they normally did. We got through me receiving the “everything but” portion of lovemaking, and this was it -– it was time –- we were going to do it.
I knew almost immediately that something wasn’t right. Jason made his way back up the bed and started up with the full make-out kissing again instead of moving on to the next steps. I went to touch him, and he was -– limp. I thought maybe he was just nervous, so we made out a lot more, in hopes that little mister would get with the program again, but he never did.
I wasn’t sure what to do. Jason was clearly embarrassed and upset, so I tried to comfort him and tell him it was fine, I’m sure it was just nerves and it wasn’t a big deal. We would enjoy our time together and it would become more natural and less nerve wracking soon.
We tried again a few hours later, but the same thing happened. I tried to keep it together in front of him, but on the inside I was freaking out. I told Jason I had to take a shower, and in there I cried my eyes out. Was it me? Was I doing something wrong? This was definitely not in my wedding night plans.
The next day, we did a lot of kissing and cuddling, and he used his hands on me once, but he never even got fully naked. That was 11 months ago. We’ve only talked about it once since then, about a month after we got married and he caught me crying in the shower (apparently that’s my cry place.)
We talked about whether it was something mental or physical. Jason has been under a lot of stress the last year at work, and maybe it was affecting him? Or maybe something is going on medically? He agreed he’d go to a doctor. He hasn’t yet.
At this point, I don’t even know what to say or do anymore. We still do “everything but” about four times a week and it’s still amazing. He’s still my best friend, I still love him more than anyone else in my life, and I can’t imagine not being married to him.
We have a fantastic relationship –- we communicate about our problems (irony, I know, except this one), we rarely fight, and we are very supportive of each other's lives. He’s my favorite person to spend time with and we have fun doing the most random things. I would never want to be with anyone else. I also know that things could be worse –- Jason would never hit me, verbally abuse me or intentionally hurt me.
I do have my moments where I have (hopefully irrational) fears that maybe Jason is gay? Have I seen anything to suspect that? What if we never have sex? How will we have kids? Will we have to adopt children because Jason can’t have sex with me? How would I be able to explain that? Would I just take the blame? Let people assume that I’m somehow infertile? Would I be OK with not having biological children? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?
At the end of the day, I feel like I’ve accepted this as part of the “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” portion of our vows. He’s my partner through thick and thin, and I have to believe we will figure this out one day. For now, I appreciate what does happen in our sex life and enjoy the moments we do have.
And I try to quiet that voice in the back of my mind that says I should worry.
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