A Porn Star Is Using My Birth Name

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Publish date:
September 2, 2015
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Tags:
twitter, porn, comedy, porn star, xxx

On December 9 1990, after a ridiculously long labor, a baby with flowing black hair and unnaturally large feet was born. Her parents named her Kelly Jaye Diamond.

I am that baby, and I am living my life with those feet and that name. While my large feet don’t pose much of a problem in my every day life, my birth name has given me just a little bit of angst over the past few years.

Carrying around a name like Kelly Diamond has always made me the target of jokes from classmates, strangers, baristas, preachers, ship captains…you name the joke, I’ve heard it.

To save you some time right now, I am not currently dancing at any strip clubs and I am not using my name to partake in UFC fighting or the more colorful professional wrestling. I would probably excel at all those things if I had any kind of athleticism but unfortunately, my severe scoliosis and fear of being hit have stopped me from pursuing any kind of career in the pole dancing or fighting fields.

Despite the mocking that I’ve endured for most of my time on this planet, living as Kelly Diamond was never that bad. The fact that my last name started with the letter D put me at the beginning of the line for school activities. And the name Kelly rhymes with a ton of words, which makes me great at freestyle raps about myself.

But things took a turn one day when I decided to Google myself.

Usually, searching my name on Google brings up something called a “Kelly Diamond harrow” or a doll of Barbie’s sister Kelly wearing a green outfit because yes, my name also technically means a green diamond, as Kelly is a shade of green.

Not this time though.

This time, my name was attached to something a little less safe for work. A porn actress had decided to take my birth name and use it as her porn name.

I hoped that her career would be short-lived and stop wreaking havoc on my Google-ability. As a hopeful comedy writer and standup comedian, I don’t want my future employers to think I’m doing it on camera.

I don’t have any issues with porn or the sex industry. However, I do not want my own work and the pornographic work of another to get confused.

To further my comedy career, I spend a lot of time writing jokes on Twitter. Little did I expect that things would take a serious turn on this particular facet of social media. A notification popped up to let me know that I was tagged in a tweet.

Someone was attempting to praise the other Kelly Diamond for her work in “Blacked: Epic First Time.” However, I was getting the praise instead. And with it, a slew of porn-loving followers, bots, and mentions that told me how hot I was.

I love a good compliment but I’m not sure “sexy pussy” is one that I want to receive on a public forum. I don’t even think I want that compliment in the privacy of my own bedroom with the lights off.

As time went on, Googling my name would elicit some very illicit videos. Kelly Diamond XXX was making a name for herself both on Twitter and on video. Her specialty was anal and people were knocking on her backdoor all over the place. Because of this, people started knocking on my backdoor as well, thinking Kelly Diamond XXX and I were one in the same.

If Google is the new resume, I am, apparently, highly qualified for all your pornography needs.

As I continued to receive more and more messages from men asking me for sex or sexy photos on Twitter, I decided to reach out to the source of my problems: Kelly Diamond XXX herself.

I wanted some sort of contact with her. I knew she wouldn’t change her name. Maybe we could make a funny video about a real Kelly Diamond and a porn star Kelly Diamond meeting for the first time. Maybe we could be friends. Maybe she would want to get coffee or go clubbing.

Generally, I just wanted her to know I exist.

So I tweeted at her.

Looking back, I could have been friendlier with my message. I shouldn’t have tried to shame or annoy my alter ego. But I was upset and I felt that my career could be compromised. I regret not reaching out to her in a more jovial way, especially because she wasn’t too thrilled with my message.

She blocked me.

This was the saddest cock block I’ve ever experienced. Gone were the opportunities for a new friend with my exact name.

While Kelly Diamond XXX refuses to engage with me, I am doing my best to outdo her on Google. I am trying to take back my name. I was born with it, after all.

Our birth names are the first gift we’re ever given and whether we like them or not, we should own them. I won’t let my porn alter ego own mine without putting up a fight for that top Google spot.

I’m not sure what Kelly Diamond XXX is up to now. Last I heard, she’s out of porn with a baby. I have no idea if this is true. But either way, I am still here for her if she wants to meet a fellow Kelly Diamond for a drink or a porn/comedy collaboration.