Queef And Other Words I Wish I Could Change To Literally Anything Else
At some point over the past few years, I signed a Change.org petition to rescue a few elephants, and now I get at least one email from them every few days. I don’t mind because it’s a great dot org. They bring attention and, ahem, change to many very important causes.
Luckily, I don’t have anything Change.org-worthy going on in my own life right now. However, if they allowed frivolous causes to be petitioned for, I’d be all over it with my vote to change the word “queef” to literally anything else. Are you with me?
The act queefing represents is probably one of the most embarrassing, awkward and yet funniest consequences of a good ol’ roll in the hay. I appreciate when the dude laughs along with me instead of ignoring the situation. After all, it’s usually due to multiple position changes, which is usually due to the man because I’m really quite lazy. I don’t mind when it happens, because it means I’m having sex… but the name.
The name makes it sound so much worse than what it represents. Call it a vagina fart, call it a vart, call it queen beef, call it flatus vaginalis, call it vagart -- call it anything but queef. I have to stop writing/mind-saying it now. I’m getting queasy.
I polled my friends, who are weirdos like me in their own right, and although none hated the Q word with as much fervor as I do, it seems that sexual euphemisms or words that describe body parts or functions make many people squeamish.
The two men I talked to mentioned the word “moist” as a common least favorite, but it doesn’t bother them at all. So does it bother? Well, my cousin Stephanie doesn’t like it. There’s also a TV show called “Dead Like Me” that posed the least favorite word question and came to the conclusion that moist is the worst word ever. I don’t watch this show because between "Breaking Bad" and "Sons of Anarchy," I’m maxed out and have no room in my life for another all-consuming fictional story that’s going to take my little heart, put it in a blender and hit “Pulse.” (Seriously, Kurt Sutter, you are killing me).
Moist only makes me mildly uncomfortable, especially in the face of much more heinous words like “panties.” Please don’t say panties, especially if you are a man. It’s gross. I have to say underwear because when I try to utter the word “panties,” it comes out forced and staccato, like my mouth is rejecting it.
There are many other words that bother the general population and me. I did some research -- meaning I texted some of my friends -- and here’s a list of words they or I or we dislike immensely:
Pussy -– for a cat, for a vagina, for a wimp, it’s a terrible word.
Pantyhose -– This is probably because the word “panty” is in there. Shudder. Can’t we just call ‘em hose, like in “A League Of Their Own?”
Slacks -– My friend Megan hates this word and I agree. It’s a boring, unattractive word for pants.
Manhood -– Oh, god, just say penis.
Dick -– This one doesn’t bother me, but my friend Matt takes issue with it. Maybe because he has one and has a special name for it?
Vagina -– This word also doesn’t bother me but some of my friends dislike it. In Italy, they say “patata,” which means potato, in case you were looking for an alternative word for your vag.
Folds –- Coming after vagina, ew.
Cleft –- Stop.
Salve –- JUST SAY CREAM.
Cunt –- No one wants to be called a cunt. In England, this word is apparently used with much less consequence. I knew an East Londoner who called me a cunt at least 10 times every time I saw her, and she said it with genuine affection. If you don’t possess a charming British accent, cunt stings. It’s foul and hateful and best reserved for use on mortal enemies and even then only if they’re boys.
Perineum -– This just seems like too complicated a word for the piece of skin it describes. Can we rename it peen-ass connector, or something?
Crotch –- This one comes courtesy of my friend Melissa who is incredibly troubled by body part and sex words. We think at least some of our discomfort in saying these words comes from latent Catholic guilt and being secretly ashamed of our sexuality. This is a topic for an entirely different article.
Vulva –- Sounds like it could be the name of an evil witch from "Game of Thrones" or a Romanian princess.
Labia –- In Spanish and Italian, they just call it “lips,” which makes me sort of uncomfortable, but not as much as labia does. What about petal? Or that which shall not be named?
Diet -- My friend Matt hates this word, and the more I say it out loud, the more I realize how much it really does suck. Diet. Die it. DIE, IT.
Porn words -– Matt wouldn’t get specific, but I’m guessing “anal” is one of the words he doesn’t like.
Anus -- I don’t mind anus, although I can’t say it without giggling.
Tender -- Bad in every instance, except when Elvis sings it.
I still say queef is the worst of the no good very bad terrible words.
What are some words you’d sign a petition to change or remove from our vernacular forever?