The Congress That Stole Healthcare (With Apologies To Dr. Seuss, And The Grinch)

"And they’re looking at packages!" it snarled with a sneer. "Tomorrow comes healthcare! It's practically here!" Congress growled, with its coke fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep healthcare from coming!"

Oct 8, 2013 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

Some Americans in America,
Liked Healthcare a lot,
But Congress,
Who lived in Eastern America,
Did not! 
Congress hated Healthcare! The whole healthcare concept!
Well, government healthcare; it filled them with contempt.
It could be that their wallets were quite overfull.
Or maybe their brains had been replaced with wool.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was that Congress’ heart was two sizes too small. 
But whatever the reason, their heart or their wool-brains,
It sat at the Cap’tol, hating the ACA,
Staring up from its seats with a Right-leaning frown
At the prospect that healthcare for all would go ‘round.
For it knew that poor Yankees all across the nation,
Would receive their new healthcare with great celebration. 
"And they’re looking at packages!" it snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow comes healthcare! It's practically here!"
Congress growled, with its coke fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep healthcare from coming!"
For, tomorrow, it knew... 
That U.S girls and ladies,
Would have free birth control. They’d stop having babies!
And then! Oh, the sex! Oh, the sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!
That's one thing it hated! It left them quite vexed! 
Then all citizens, but especially the ill,
Could switch their insurance, and have healthcare still!
They’d go to the doctor, and pick up prescriptions,
The thought of this threw the House into conniptions! 
And then they'd do something it feared most of all!
Poor folks in America, with bank accounts small,
Would gather together, from Duluth to Belle Grade.
The gap would be closed! They would be insured!
On America’s tab, their ills could be cured!
The more Congress recalled the words of Dr. King,
The more that it thought, "We must stop this whole thing!
We have to stop Healthcare from coming!
...But how?" 
Then it got an idea!
An awful idea!
Congress got a terrible, awful idea.
"I know just what to do!" Congress laughed in its throat.
As it picked up a some paper and made a quick note,
And it chuckled, and clucked, "What a shit-eating trick!
"With these added barriers, Healthcare’s sure to die quick!” 
"All I need is a victim..."
And Congress looked around.
But the ACA passed; it was hard to take down.
Did that stop the House?
No! It simply said,
"If I can't find a conflict, I'll make one instead!"
So it took the Spending Bill, then took some red ink
First it went for birth control, to repeal the laws,
And added provisions for a new “Conscience Clause
It said “This way, business won’t commit a crime
"to refuse to let women have sex on their dime
With this clause in place, we’ll win this big time!” 
Congress took to the bill with their blunt, angry axe,
And tried to remove the Medical Device tax,
“With this out of the way, we’ll surely defund it!”
Congress said about healthcare to right wing T.V pundits.
Then last of all, with conscience somehow  still clear,
And it sat in its seats, sending the bill for approval
Knowing it would never pass with healthcare’s removal.
Congress turned in the bill and patiently waited
When it heard a loud groan from someone not elated
It looked up from its desks, and it saw: guess who!
Barack Obama, that’s who! Who was no more than fifty- two. 
Congress had been caught by the U.S President
Who'd caught wind of their antics and was not content.
He stared at the House and said, "Why, Congress, why.
"Why do keep sending me this bullshit. Why.” 
But, you know, that old Congress was so quick and so shameless
If Senate would just approve the bill that we crafted,
The government won’t shut down and no one will be shafted!”
The president, skeptical, had heard this before
But decided this time to take their shit no more,
So despite the fiscal year having no more time
He looked at the Bill and refused to sign.
T’was a minute after midnight
And Congress was gloating
For the bill hadn’t passed
And its spirits were floating
Now came the Shutdown! The blame and the scrambling!
With citizens as chips in their juvenile gambling! 
"Pooh-pooh to the people!" The House fiendishly hummed.
"They're finding out now there’s no Healthcare to come!
"They're just wising up! I know just what I’ll see!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or three
"Then they’ll all blame the Dems and vote, instead, for me!" 
"That blame,” grinned the House,
"Simply fills me with glee!"
Congress paused, and it raised an orange hand to its ear,
And it did hear a sentiment rise across the ‘net.
And that sentiment did leave Congress in a cold sweat... 
There was certainly blame
For forfeiting workers,
To hold back needed progress! 
The House stared in confusion
How could they have the gall?
But it was nothing compared
To the worst blow of all! 
Every citizen in America, the tall and the small,
Had healthcare! Without any gov’ment at all!
Somehow or other, it came just the same! 
And Congress, with feet stuffed into its loafers,
Sat hemming and hawing: "How could these freeloaders?
Free healthcare’s EXPENSIVE! How can they not see?
Do they give no shits of our economy?”
And it sat on its ass, `till its ass-parts were sore.
Then it thought of something it hadn't before!
"Maybe healthcare,” it pondered, "could go to the poor.
"Maybe healthcare...perhaps...means a little bit more!" 
And what happened then...? the U.S, they say,
That Congress’s small heart
Grew no sizes that day.
For they gave not a crap of their constituency,
S’long as there were women getting the pill for free.
Where this fight will end, only time will tell,
As furloughed workers labor, unpaid, through this spell,
And Congress fights a battle their voters want ended
So the country they live in can start to be mended.