SEXY COSTUMES ARE NOT JUST FOR THE LADIES: A Curated Selection of Penis-Based Halloween Apparel

There is so much douchebaggin’ going on in this post, it smells like a vinegar factory. Seriously there is a douchebag in here for real.

Oct 24, 2012 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

Consider for a moment the humble penis, focus of adoration and scorn, one axis of many on which sexual desire might turn. The penis has factored in all of our lives at least once -- even if its influence began and ended at the moment of conception -- and according to some, the penis is a powerful master, driving its devotees (both inhabitants and recipients) to distraction at every opportunity.

Ah, the penis. Always a popular topic. So it comes (heh) as little surprise (heh heh) then that the penis should be a polestar (heh heh heh) for so many “humorous” Halloween costumes. Let’s look at a few, shall we? (Note: By “a few” I mean “17” and by “look at” I mean “make fun of,” and please remember that these are all actual mass-produced costumes you can buy, although I don't recommend it.) 

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This simple costume demonstrates to everyone around that there is a party in your pants and you are maybe going to invite them. It consists of fake open-front jeans complete with balloons, streamers, and -- thank god -- fake “party” underwear. It also comes with invitations for the wearer to distribute, because you might not want the party in your pants to get overcrowded lest you run out of hot hors d’oeuvres.

 

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The carnival-styled Ring Toss costume, because nothing screams “sexually available” like a floppy ineffectual fake dildo that solicits people to throw things in the general area of your junk. Add the goofy foam hat and this young man will be beating the ladies away with a stick! Although probably not the one he hopes.

 

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This one falls under the category of “really complicated costumes based on a weird homonym.” See, dude is a Master Baiter. The bait is... I don’t know what the bait is. The fish is his penis. His mastery is in baiting his own penis? He has a nametag that identifies him as “Master Baiter.” I guess that’s the whole point. Also, the point is that the fish is his penis.

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I’ve decided that this Fire Extinguisher costume could be kind of awesome if the wearer jammed a can of Reddi Whip into the end of the penis-hose. But then I’m a dreadful fatass who loves whipped cream so my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

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For the penis-based costume-seeking individual who likes a bit of tradition and subtle nuance with their penis-based costume, I present the Skeleboner, which takes liberties with human anatomy to further the noble purpose of penis humor. It’s funny when there are penises.

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Does the Happy Camper make anyone else uncomfortable? There’s nothing like a good pedophilia joke, am I right? And this is nothing like a good pedophilia joke.

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In the event that you are serious about not making any new friends on Halloween, this Snake Charmer costume handily combines a penis gag with offensive racial stereotyping. Or maybe I’m being hasty. Amazon Reviewer Scott shares his first person experience:

A wise man once said: "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."

We mortal humans must keep this in mind when we consider the relative merits of this guise. Indeed it does portray the indigents of Arabia with stunning detail and clarity, the life like serpent leaps forth out of the crotch in such a way that reminds me of my youth spent in the Tunis.

I once donned this outfit to a masquerade ball; I was able to charm innumerable feminine specimens who would gyrate with wild abandon at the sight of the giant serpentine creature.

I bet Amazon Reviewer Scott is also the owner of a thesaurus with a broken spine.

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I’m probably a bit of a drudge about this stuff, but I find the whole “trick them into thinking a penis is a different non-penis object” means of drawing attention to one’s penis-area is sort of creepy. This Genie in the Lamp costume also plays to the whole offensive-racial-stereotyping deal while simultaneously inviting the curious to rub the penis-lamp and make a wish. PENIS!

 

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Of course, not every penis-centered costume involves a fake penis. Some involve simulating a fake penis inside something else, like the above Down for the Count costume, which I believe is supposed to reference Count Dracula receiving a blowjob from a small inflatable lady. This seems like a pretty elaborate ruse to make an unimpressive pun.

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This costume is unfortunately called “Redneck Lovin’” and it comes with a “hillbilly hat,” a fake butt affixed to the outside of the costume (??) and a fishnet-clad sheep. The sheep is the “lovin’” part. The whole thing is the horrifically offensive part. I think my sense of humor broke entirely on this one.

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In a more abstract take, this guy is a Pussy Magnet. See also the Chick Magnet version.

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This guy is the Shocker and he probably wants to put his little finger in your butt. 

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This guy is an Orgasm Donor. He is also disgusting and should probably be in prison. THE FAKE TONGUE YOU GUYS. The fake tongue is freaking me out. What the hell is wrong with your natural real-life tongue?

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Some guys just don’t get foreplay.

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Some guys just don’t get foreplay and are also horrible racists who feel compelled not only to dress up as a giant black penis but to also don blackface to do it (thanks to Jezebel for sharing this one with the world). 

Even given everything else about this costume that is wrong, the testicles-for-feet seem strangely fitting. Indeed, I find that my own booted feet are irresistibly drawn to this guy’s testicles.

 

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Of course, if you’re gonna be a douchebag, you can always just be a Douchebag.

 

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Or just be a Cock Block. Is it any surprise that I like this one best of all? Thank god Halloween is almost over.