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It’s resolution time! This new year are you truly committed to getting rid of those unsightly bulges? Are you finally ready to be the best you you can be: more attractive, more beautiful, more pretty, more good looking, more cute, more sexy, more desirable, more confident, more rich, more exciting, more happy, more funny, more successful, more bikini-ready, more little-black-dress-wearing, more the real you, and more less fat?
Well Aspire Bariatrics LLC has an “Apparatus for Treating Obesity by Extracting Food” for you!
There’s really no more entertaining and exciting way to explain this groundbreaking new weight loss plan than by directly quoting Aspire’s United States Patent Application number 20130006166, itself:
The present invention is directed to an apparatus and method for treating obesity. A tube is positioned that passes through a patient's abdominal wall into the upper digestive system of the patient. The patient is allowed to carry out his/her everyday affairs including ingesting food. After the patient has ingested food, the food is extracted by pumping it out of the upper digestive system through the tube. The present invention is less invasive than current surgical procedures for reducing weight and allows patients to live a normal and active lifestyle without experiencing adverse side effects.
But if that didn’t turn you on, their website goes on to explain the AspireAssist™ Aspiration Therapy System, “a breakthrough weight loss solution”:
With Aspiration Therapy, patients “aspirate” (drain) a portion of their stomach contents after each meal through an endoscopically-implanted tube, reducing the number of calories absorbed by the body. The tube is implanted in the stomach, and leads to a small, low-profile port at the surface of the skin. Aspiration performed about 20 minutes after a meal will remove about a third of the calories consumed.
Get it? You eat, the food travels through a tube in your stomach, you open a port on the outside of your skin, and you dump the undigested food out into a bucket.
Does this sound an awful lot like bulimia only using a brand new hole? It should. Because it is. But it’s all right because a doctor said so.
In fact, the “AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System received CE mark approval in December 2011 to market in the European Union, and is now commercially available in selected regions in Europe and beyond.” That means that in the 27 member states of the European Union (including some areas in Eastern Europe) plus Iceland, Norway and Liechtenstein, the weight loss protocol is a go, and is already being used in some areas.
This is not actually the first patent application for this product; the United States Patent Office has already issued a patent for the system and method, meaning the idea and how it’s done is already patented in the United States and now Aspire is simply aiming to get a patent on the actual device.
Given that the system and method patent has already been issued, as long as the device “works” as they claim it does, it will most likely receive that patent.
Of course, the United States Patent Office is not the US Food and Drug Administration, and a patent doesn’t mean it will be approved for use in the US. But “AspireAssist Aspiration Therapy System received CE mark approval in December 2011 to market in the European Union, and is now commercially available in selected regions in Europe and beyond,” and this isn’t the abortion pill, so the likelihood of its approval for use in the US seems, logically, pretty high.
Though there are admittedly problems with the device, as outlined in the patent application. In clinical trials, it was explained that one patient who lost over 38kg (84 pounds) in 59 weeks aspirated after every meal:
[T]he patient uncapped [her] tube, connected a 60 cc syringe and extracted food from her stomach twice. This resulted in a siphon effect, which permitted the subject to freely drain the stomach by allowing the open tube to empty into a bucket. The patient squeezed the tube to enhance propulsion and to break up large food…. The patient changed her dietary intake to avoid food clogging [the pump tube]. She avoided eating cauliflower, broccoli, chinese food, stir fry, snow peas, pretzels, chips and steak.
So the claims on the Aspire Bariatrics website that “patients can eat and drink normal amounts and types of food with the AspireAssist” may not be entirely true. And there are no long term studies of efficacy or safety, but hey, “the quick, 20 minute procedure is performed under conscious sedation -– no general anesthesia is required.” Plus, it’s “reversible” and “affordable.”
This is a free country, as long as the US Food and Drug Administration says so, and more than 200,000 people a year (with numbers steadily increasing) are currently getting far more invasive bariatric surgery, often irreversible, and with frequent dire consequences (and also no long term studies on efficacy or safety). So maybe aspirating your food into a bucket through a port in your stomach (you know, instead of into the toilet through that nature-made hole in your mouth) is for you.
I imagine that this aspiration port will be a sexy new accessory with my bikini on the beach, and intimacy will be greatly enhanced by the hole in my stomach where food pours out (what a chuckle we’ll get during a romance accident). I will feel nothing but pride in my new appearance when I have to get up from the table in 20 minutes to aspirate, and everyone will be so enamored by my hot new bod that no one will blink an eye when I carry my aspiration bucket to that new trendy joint while I am wearing the perfect little black dress (which I guess I will have to remove for aspiration purposes –- but who knows, the latest runway fashions may include an aspiration-port-cut-out).
Or, on second thought -- excuse me while I go eat, digest my food, and expel any waste from my God-given anus. Oh, and probably stay fat.