Ladies, ladies! Come over here and sit down. Have a cocktail and quit your whining. I’m about to reveal to you the formula for how to be a successful executive, a nurturing mother and an adoring and adored wife all at the same time, and I’m not charging you a dime.
It is so easy you will laugh and laugh and then your laughter will mysteriously turn to tears once you learn my secrets.
…What? Where am I? Oh excuse me, just taking a quick power nap. I really don’t know why I am so damn tired. I easily had over 4 hours of sleep last night. Must be the two hours of boot camp I squeezed in before breakfast.
Anyway, pay attention ladies, because you too can have it all, all at once. Ignore those pesky naysayers and mediocre little people who have no understanding of how truly easy it is.
So here goes – are you taking notes?
1. First, you must be rich. If you are not rich, I say best of luck to you and you have my total support. One day you will conquer all (but probably not).
Being wealthy and having a large and anxious staff at your fingertips is an essential and obvious starting place for having it all. I doubt I need to explain this step any further.
2. If you insist on having children, do it discreetly and for God’s sake, don’t be a wuss about it. For example, the idea that you need to take any time off for childbirth is an outdated myth. I commissioned a made-to-order birthing chair for my office desk. It was a snap to give birth while still reviewing documents. And the lower lumbar support is fantastic. Should you need a c-section and are unable to give birth from your office, make sure the sedation is mild so you can at least take phone calls during the surgery.
3. Once you’ve taken the dubious, and might I say somewhat selfish, step of growing a family, you can still bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let your partner forget the romance because you’re a woooo- man.
Here is how you execute Step #3:
After a 12 hour day in the office, it is important to arrive home and prepare a home-cooked meal for your family. You must also schedule in about thirty minutes to argue with your teen or pre-teen about why they cannot do something they’d like to do (because you are the meanest mom in the world). If you have a baby then you need to do something with the baby, but I can’t recall what that might be since babies were a long time ago for me; maybe sing a few stanzas of “Cat’s In the Cradle,” or teach it how to make sushi?
If you have a toddlers or young kids, have the good sense to come home when they are already asleep. Otherwise they will demand so much attention, it will suck the life right out of you. Just buy them a toy the next day. At these tender ages, they have bonded with you as the primary toy buyer in the family. Sure, they love you, but they love toys WAY more.
Now that you are finished with the allocated 30 minutes or so of family time (Alert! Very important! Be firm about your scheduling – make sure the kids know you have to make a hard stop so the meeting doesn’t run over), you can move on to dinner.
Additional time saving tip: you can combine the family time with eating dinner. Since you are rich, you can have your staff prepare the meal, but you will have to do the arguing or the baby stuff on your own. Sorry, but being a mean mom or baby entertainer cannot be delegated.
Once that is all out of the way, slip into your very expensive negligee. No, wait, first you need to check some emails and put out some fires. Give yourself another 45 minutes or so for that.
Ok, now put on that negligee. Drape yourself seductively over your man or life partner or family pet. Look, I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your own home as long as you attend to those emails in a timely fashion.
Tell your beloved that he/she/it is the sexiest thing ever and you are going to make him/her/it very happy. Then, drug their drinks so they pass out cold and never know what hit them.
While your loved one is comatose, watch CNN for 30 minutes, yell at the kids to finish their homework and get back to those emails.
But it is important to also make time for exercise. If you don’t look your best, you don’t feel your best! So bring your martini onto your elliptical while you catch up on missed episodes of Love It or List It. One martini can fuel you for about 3 miles and 325 calories. It isn’t a lot, but you can make up for slacking off by working out again in three hours after you’ve woken up.
Now it’s time for bed. If your loved one wakes up with a severe headache, be understanding and thank him/her/ it for the best night ever. Then, you may sleep for two to three hours.
Set your alarm for 4 am. Make sure you exercise but check your emails first (preferably between 4 and 4:30 am). Reply to all your direct reports. It is critically important that your underlings feel guilty for still being asleep while you are up working.
Then, clutching your staff-made protein shake, slip out the door into your awaiting limo to begin another fulfilling and rewarding day being you. Make sure to text your older kids at least once during the day. Wish them luck. Be vague. They probably have a test or something important to do, but you don’t need to know the specifics.
Before leaving for the day, if you have little ones, make sure to give your nanny an impossible list of chores to tackle and then fire her when she can’t do everything. You want to make sure your babies are primarily attached to you even though your sushi-making skills and singing are terrible. If necessary, you can take your little ones with you to work because you have a private nursery fully staffed with nannies from England, who are usually just sitting around all day doing nothing.
At work, while you drink your shake, take a moment to send a dirty text to your beloved. But make sure it doesn’t go to the entire Board of Directors by mistake. Not that I’d know from experience, but some of those guys and gals can get overly offended. Then you have to find someone expendable to blame for hacking into your phone, and even though you very visibly fired someone else for sending the message from your phone, there will be someembarrassing silences at the next quarterly meeting. Not that I’d know directly — I’m just saying, be careful.
If you follow this EASY and FOOLPROOF, it will take a small village of underpaid and exploited staff to pull it off, but their misery is a small price to pay for your success and happiness.
While you are destined to receive many plaques and accolades throughout your life and career, remember, it’s not the recognition that matters. What matters is that everyone around you will be extremely jealous and insecure because you are having it all, all at once, and you are making it look so easy!
[Photo via Shutterstock]
Reprinted with permission from The Jane Dough.